SERVING CALIFORNIA TEENS & FAMILIES         

COUNSELING FOR TEENS  |  

(949) 394-0607

 |  

Contact

Does My Teenager Actually Need Therapy?

I want to call a therapist and ask about what’s going on with my kid, but I’m not sure my kid really needs therapy. I don’t want to get talked into bringing them in if it isn’t necessary. I don’t want to start spending a lot of money and having my child get attached to a therapist if they don’t actually need to be there.

This is the thought process many parents go through when deciding if they should call. I understand it. I feel like that when I call the pediatrician’s office to see if one of my kids needs to come in. I wish they’d just tell me if it’s not necessary.

I’m writing all this because I want you to feel at ease to call. I personally return almost every phone call about counseling that comes our way. I do this because I don’t want you to bring your teenager in unless it’s necessary. Of course I can’t always tell that on the phone, but I do regularly tell people it’s not yet time to start counseling. I promise you the same courtesy.

I had a call last week from a couple of concerned parents. It was hard for them to witness their daughter struggling with friends at school. She was feeling isolated and left out. Once we talked for a little while on the phone, it seemed to me this problem might resolve itself if given a little bit of time. I asked the parents to wait a few weeks and see whether things improved for their daughter. If not, there might be something worth digging through in therapy. For many though, a little bit of time salves a lot of wounds.

This is not an uncommon story when you call to talk to us. You also might hear from me that nobody on our team is the right fit for your situation. It doesn’t help your teen if he or she is paired with a therapist who doesn’t have the right training/experience for your issue. We usually have good outcomes for our clients because we are very picky on the front end about who we see. That is why people in the community trust us and trust is the MOST important ingredient in a successful counseling experience.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT

3 Signs of Depression in Teens

Depression can be devastating to those who suffer its insidious greed for life, engagement, and joy. Teens who are depressed feel lackluster about their world, their future, and themselves. Often slogging through each day without hope, depressed teens contemplate suicide as a means of relief from the relentless blandness of a life without color.

Watch this short video for three signs your teenager may be afflicted with depression:

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT

What Do I Do With A Sneaky Kid?

Teens who sneak are often unhappy about the mistrust their parents have for them. Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Teens who sneak are often unhappy about the mistrust their parents have for them.
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What do you do if you’re one of the unlucky parents who has a sneaky teen?  You put very clear rules in place, but your teenager continues to do the wrong thing?  A lot of the time you’d even say yes if they’d simply ask, but they sneak anyhow.  This is incredibly frustrating for a parent.  It’s not that you want to control your teenager- you don’t.  You just want a trusting relationship between the two of you.  You want them to trust that you will say yes when it’s appropriate, and you want to trust they are doing what they tell you they’re doing.

 

The first thing you need to ask yourself is why they are sneaking.  You may or may not be able to answer this question.  If you believe they are sneaking because they are using drugs, having sex, or doing something otherwise dangerous they know you’d put a stop to, address this immediately.  For those of you that are pretty certain your adolescent isn’t doing anything dangerous, but is sneaking for some other reason, read on.

 

Perhaps one reason your teenager is sneaking is because you say no too often.  They feel confident you won’t give them any space if they ask for it.  They think the only way to have a little room to explore who they are is to go without permission.  I once worked with a teen boy who kept saying, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than ask permission.”  In his case, he was right.  He learned this very quickly and realized it was the only way he was ever going to date, try going to a party, or even get into minor mischief like toilet papering a friend’s house.

 

Another reason an adolescent could be sneaking is they are engaging in certain activities you wouldn’t approve of.  One way that many, many teenagers sneak is with their phones.  A lot of teens have smart phones now, and a great number of them download apps you would not like if you only knew they were there.  They know you’d make them take the apps off, and they don’t want to.

 

Whatever the reason(s) your teenager is being sneaky, here are a few ideas you can try to minimize this behavior.  The first thing to try is a heartfelt heart to heart chat.  This isn’t the situation where you punish them or get angry with them for what they’ve been doing.  Instead you talk about how it hurts you not to feel like you can trust your own child.  You ask them how they’ve been feeling when you keep getting frustrated with them as you catch them in their lies.  You and the teenager put your heads together to come up with a plan that will change this.

 

If this doesn’t work, you may have to try a less collaborative approach.  Warn your teenager this is coming if they don’t start being much, much more honest.  Then, outline very clear consequences that will occur if they are caught lying/sneaking.  Do this with a lot of love.  You don’t need to yell or even have a stern voice.  The only thing that is very important is you follow through on whatever consequence you’ve promised to give.  Be extremely consistent.  Reward them for honesty too.

 

Your final option is to make their world really small so it’s hard to sneak anything.  However, if you do this take care to make sure they don’t start resenting you.  You want all consequences you administer to children to make them think about how their action caused this result.  You don’t want them thinking, “My parents are such unfair jerks.”  They won’t learn anything that way.

 

Sneakiness is a really challenging character struggle to contend with and correct.  You are not alone in your aggravation.  Any parent who has dealt with a sneaky teenager feels angry, sometimes scared, and occasionally hopeless.  Just try your best to work on what you need to work on, keep loving them well, and be patient as you help them course correct.

 

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,

Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT

What Does Christian Therapy Look Like at Teen Therapy OC?

We provide an option for clients to see Christian therapists on our staff if they prefer it. I am often asked by Christian families what counseling looks like when it’s Christ-centered. The most important thing to understand is that we are not theologians or pastors so we do not give any biblical interpretation or religious advice. The way we most often see faith-based counseling play out is us encouraging clients to engage more fully with their religious community. For someone with social anxiety, there is an opportunity to face a lot of the fear while attending youth group. There can be collaboration with the youth pastor to make this a more comfortable step. For clients with an eating disorder there might be a discussion about what God really wants for their life and whether He sees them as beautiful even if they aren’t the “perfect” weight. For families there could be an encouragement to pray together or start attending church together. The bottom line is that Christian-based counseling means the therapist and client are operating from a paradigm that believes the client’s connection to God is an essential part of healing.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT