by Lauren Goodman | Feb 29, 2016 | Uncategorized
Responsible teens are much happier than entitled ones.
Photo courtesy of Marin and freedigitalphotos.net.
Yesterday I was fortunate enough to hear John Townsend speak. He is witty, engaging and above all, wise. He had really good things to say about entitlement.
One of the key points he made was that we should not say, “I deserve” this or that. That verbage causes us to actually lose power. When we think we deserve something, we assume it’s due us. That means we’re upset when we don’t have it, and we don’t see how to go and get it for ourselves. If your teenager tells you, “I deserve an iPhone,” it means they’ve given you all the power to control when and how they get it. They are completely relying on you to provide this for them. Instead it’s much better to teach your children (and yourselves) to use the words, “I’m responsible” to get the thing you want. If your adolescents learn to say this, they then believe it’s within their power to earn things. I agree with Dr. Townsend on this point completely because it teaches your teens motivation, and goal setting. Those two things can be hard to teach a teen!
Another point Dr. Townsend made that was fantastic is essentially to be very careful about believing you’re “exempt from responsibility,” and therefore, “owed special treatment.” When you read that sentence I’m sure you don’t think you’re guilty of this. At first I didn’t. Then he went on to explain that ALL of us do this from time to time. We think it’s fine to share our opinions without being careful of someone else’s feelings for example. We can be particularly guilty of this on social media. On the other hand we think everyone should be careful about the various areas of diversity we fall under. This was just one example.
When it comes to teens I hear the problem of being “exempt from responsibility” and “owed special treatment” in one particular area all the time. This is with their teachers and coaches. I hear teens’ parents tell me their child had a bad teacher or bad coach. They say this in front of their teenager. This causes entitlement in your child. Some parents even go as far as to change their teenager’s schedule at school in order to get a particular teacher and avoid others. My question to you if you do this is: Why does your child deserve the best teacher? Don’t tell me it’s because they’re special (in other words, “owed special treatment”). And, there’s that word “deserve” again. The better thing to teach your child is to be responsible for finding a way to learn and earn a good grade even with the less engaging teachers. There’s that other word, “responsible.” Besides, learning to function with less than optimum learning conditions is more important than learning the subject matter. How many times in your life have you used your 11th grade trigonometry from that class with the great math teacher? Compare this with how many situations you’ve been in where your boss or client was less than great. Aren’t you glad you learned to cope with “bad” teachers after all?
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Feb 20, 2016 | Uncategorized
There are always things to be thankful for if you’re looking.
Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I’m reading an incredible book right now. It’s called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The book is fairly auto-biographical, but only for a period of the author’s life. She starts out by explaining how regret, sadness and bitterness pervade her life. More or less, she’s probably struggling with depression and some anxiety. She looks back at past events that really hurt her family growing up, and continues to have fears caused by those events.
I think if we’re not very conscious to control these types of thoughts, they can affect all of us. There are always things to look back on that we should have done differently. I must have thousands of those types of choices. I’ve spent a good part of the last few days wishing I could redo last Friday, actually.
Anyhow, One Thousand Gifts goes on to share how this woman works through her depression and anxious moods. There are a few lessons to take from her, which I will go over in the next paragraph, but first let me tell you the basis of what she does to move on from her past. She leans hard into her Christian faith, and recognizes one of the main tenants of Christianity is to be thankful IN all things (not FOR all things). This means finding something to be grateful for no matter what. She begins a list of 1000 little joys that surround her. The list has the smallest things, like how incredible the different colors are in soap bubbles, or how beautiful the sound is when her children play together. These things are so easy to overlook unless you’re paying attention; she finds she has been overlooking them for years.
The lessons from her story are as follows. First of all, while not all of you reading this are Christian, all of you probably believe in something. Learn hard into it when you’re suffering. Your faith is an amazing way to cope with stress, depression and anxiety. It might not solve it for you, but you also have to work at it. You can’t just vaguely believe in something, and then never read about it, pray, and give it time. If you would do all these things, you will start to see immense benefits.
The other huge lesson from Voskamp’s story is that thankfulness is really the opposite of depression and anxiety. Actively looking for the small things in life that are beautiful, enjoyable, funny, loving, etc. leads to less time worrying and regretting. There simply isn’t room in your mind to do both. This isn’t to trivialize a legitimate depressive disorder, or anxiety disorder, because often those are much deeper than just your attitude. However, for a lot of people, simply changing your focus can have a major impact on your moods.
Now for a personal note: I don’t struggle much with depressed moods. I do however struggle with anxiety. I worry a lot about the future, and it’s a battle to keep these thoughts at bay. I am finding Voskamp’s techniques to be really helpful in my own life. I am trying to be more active in my faith, and I am looking for tiny things to enjoy. So far, it really seems to be working! My hope is that it will help you and your teens too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Feb 12, 2016 | Uncategorized
Sleep is vital to your teen.
Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
I’m bringing up teen sleeping habits because I hear parents express concern over this in my therapy office all the time. I have to admit, how well and how consistently your adolescent sleeps is a really big deal.
Good sleep has very strong links to happiness, immune functioning, ability to perform in school, memory, safe driving, and the list goes on.
Teenagers are notorious for foregoing sleep in order to complete homework assignments, text their friends, play video games, and watch Netflix. However, none of these are a good excuse not to get about eight hours of sleep per night. If your teen is occasionally staying up late to finish an assignment that’s one thing, but if they do this night after night, this is a problem.
Adolescents still need a hard and fast bedtime. It has to be a deadline that you enforce. It’s essential for their health and well-being. If they have trouble waking up in the morning for school then it means they aren’t sleeping enough. That’s their body telling them to get to bed earlier.
There’s a good chance if your teen has poor sleep habits you do too. Get yourself on a good sleep schedule, and stop watching late night TV. Your sleep is absolutely more important! You will be more productive at work, nicer to your family, a more enjoyable friend, and you will quite possibly shed those few extra pounds that have been nagging at you. People who sleep well actually crave healthier foods and exercise more easily (they are more energized).
On the other hand, if your worries about your teenager’s sleep come from the other side of the spectrum, there are different concerns. If your teen naps often, and then also sleeps eight plus hours per night, then I have a different set of concerns. Excessive sleep is a symptom, but there are many differing problems that cause hypersomnia in adolescents. Here are a few: depression, drug use, endocrine issues, and physical illness. It’s very important to talk with your doctor in this situation. Your doctor might recommend psychiatry or therapy, but your doctor might also catch something else that’s wrong. In any case, for your teenager to need a total of more than 10 hours of sleep per 24 hour stretch warrants a conversation with a doctor.
Once you get the family back on a good sleeping schedule, everyone’s life will be better, and everyone in your household will be happier.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
