The Parenting Tightrope

One of the hardest parts of parenting is figuring out how to help our teens grow into solid, responsible adults. It can feel like we’re constantly trying to balance being firm and being kind—and it’s not always clear which one is right in the moment. So, when do you discipline teens?

When to Discipline Teens: That Tricky Moment

Let’s talk about a real-life situation that can get totally different reactions from different parents. Imagine your teenager calls you from a party, and it sounds like they’ve been drinking. What do you do?

Option 1: Grace First

You drive over, pick your teen up, and let them know how proud you are that they called. You’re grateful they didn’t accept a ride from someone else who might’ve been drinking too. Sure, they made a mistake, but they were wise enough to ask for help. That’s a big win in your book.

Option 2: Tough Love

Or maybe you feel angry and disappointed. You tell your teen they’ve broken your trust and that you’ll be checking their messages for a while. You ground them, because they know better than to be at a party without adults, let alone drinking.

When to Discipline Teens and When to Show Grace

One of those responses is gentle and full of grace. The other is firm and direct. Neither one is wrong. There’s a time for grace, and there’s definitely a time to discipline teens. Knowing when to do which is the key.

Why Too Much Grace Can Hurt

If we’re always soft, always showing grace, our teens miss out on learning some really important stuff—like how to take correction, handle limits, and respect authority. These are all things they’ll need to thrive in a job someday. Unless they plan to work for themselves, they’ll need to be able to accept feedback and follow rules. That kind of maturity starts with how we discipline them now. Even if they do work for themselves, it’s still vital that teens learn the life skills discipline teaches.

Why Too Much Discipline Backfires

But if we’re all discipline, all the time? That’s just as damaging. Teens raised with nothing but harshness often struggle in relationships. They may become rigid, struggle with forgiveness—for others and for themselves—and are much more likely to hide things from you. Honestly, if you’re only coming down hard on your teen, there’s a good chance they’re already sneaking around.

Learning About When to Discipline Teens From the Best Example

Jesus modeled the perfect balance of grace and discipline. And how did he decide when to be soft and when to be firm? He looked at people’s hearts. If someone showed real sorrow, he responded with kindness and compassion. But if someone was just faking it or didn’t care, he got firm and serious. He was loving and caring to penitent sinners, but firm and disciplinary towards the prideful, self-righteous Pharisees. That’s emotional intelligence at its best.

Doing Your Best as a Parent

Look, none of us are perfect. We’re not going to hit the mark every time when figuring out when to discipline teens. But if we take time to look at our kids’ hearts—if they’re truly sorry versus just being sorry that they got caught—we’ll be better equipped to choose grace or discipline wisely.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT