Building your self-esteem can help you feel more joy.
Low Teen Self-Esteem
Sadly, many teens have low self-esteem. They measure how good they think they are by how good others think they are. Not only this, but teens with low self-esteem believe others are thinking poorly of them, even when this is not the case. Low teen self-esteem causes teens to think another’s comment or action is an insult when really it means nothing. Self-esteem is something nearly everyone struggles with to some extent, and teens especially tend to think badly of themselves.
Symptoms of Low Teen Self-Esteem
They might seem wrapped up in how they look or being the best at sports. However, the only reason they are acting this way is because they think if they can look perfect or be the best at something everyone will love them. Why do they want everyone to love them? Because they can’t love themselves unless other people love them.
Why Teens Act This Way
Low teen self-esteem also causes them to get more embarrassed or to have their feelings hurt more easily. This is because deep down they’re expecting to be disliked by everyone. Worse yet, most teens think they deserve to be disliked. Many teens go through this, but for most people it starts to fade as they grow up. Why? First, as teens get older their emotions become steadier. Second, they’ll start to shape their identity. This helps them become more secure in who they are because they aren’t relying on others to shape their identity for them. However, few fully conquer the fear of what others think.
Consequences of Low Teen Self-Esteem
If teen self-esteem is low enough, teens can have severe anxiety. They are so worried about what others think that many teens prefer to stay at home where they know they will be accepted. The more they avoid potentially embarrassing situations, the more their anxiety will grow. Sometimes, the anxiety is bad enough to warrant therapy. If your teen seems overly anxious, give me a call. I’m happy to talk with you about your child’s situation.
How to Improve Teen Self-Esteem
There are some key things for your teen to think about when improving self-esteem. But before you share these things with them, they have to be willing to work on improving their self-confidence. Don’t tell your teen they have poor self-esteem, just tell them to keep these things in mind.
What people think of me can’t actually harm me.
Most of the time I think other people are thinking poorly of me, they actually aren’t even thinking about me at all.
I should do what I think is fun, not what is popular, even if I think it will make other people think I’m weird. Once I start doing it, I’ll be glad I did.
Finding Acceptance in Jesus
If you are a Christian family, encourage your teen to think about Jesus when they start to worry about what others think. Tell them what God thinks of them is more important than what other people think of them. And God will always accept and love them, even when people don’t. Some teens might hear you say this and just think it’s another cliche, something all Christian parents tell their kids. However, some teens will hear this, and the idea will take root in their brain and in their heart. Keep repeating it, even if it seems like your teen isn’t paying attention.
The True Cure to Low Teen Self-Esteem
Caring about what God thinks instead of what people think is the only real cure to low teen self-esteem. The other things I mentioned will help, but Jesus is the only way to completely eliminate low self-esteem. Think about it like pulling out weeds from a garden. The weeds threaten to take over the garden, just like low self-confidence threatens to take over your teen’s life. The suggestions I gave above are like pulling off the tops of the weeds; it will help for a while, but eventually the weeds will grow back. Jesus pulls up low self-esteem by the roots.
Don’t Replace Low Teen Self-Esteem with Pride
This doesn’t mean you should tell your teen that they’re perfect. And make sure they don’t start to think that either. Instead, they should value themselves for who they are, whether they are popular or not. If you’re a Christian family, remind your teen of this: Jesus saw them as someone worth dying for, even with their failings. It doesn’t mean they don’t have any failings; it means God loves them anyway.
Wrapping Up
Tell your teen that if they start to worry about what others think, suppress the urge. It will be hard at first, but eventually it will become more natural. Eventually, they will pretty much stop worrying about what people think completely. If you and your family are not Christian, consider attending church as a family. I have seen Jesus transform the way people view themselves from the inside out. Otherwise, just tell your teen to remember the three things I listed above. Most importantly, believe in them. They can do it!
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:7
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Listening to your teen requires your deciding to really listen. Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net/photostock
Are You Listening to Your Teen?
Are you listening to your teen? I mean, truly listening—not while scrolling your phone or stirring dinner, but giving them your full attention. Do you set everything down, look them in the eyes, and try to understand what they’re saying?
What Therapy Can Offer—And What You Can Too
Therapy can offer a lot to teens, but one of the most powerful benefits is actually something you can do for them at home. What is it? Simply giving your teen your full, focused attention. It’s hard to listen sometimes. Sadly, we live in a world full of things trying to distract us. However, we can choose not to give these things our attention.
What Listening to Your Teen Looks Like
When a teen comes into therapy to talk about something that’s bothering them, they can feel that I’m fully present. This is how they want you to listen to them too. Don’t fold laundry, leave the TV or music on, or examine your fingernails or clothes while they’re talking to you. Respond to what they’re telling you. Try saying, “Really! What happened?” or “No way,” or “That must have been really hard.” Match the emotion in their words—even if they don’t show much emotion outwardly themselves. If they tell a sad story with a straight face, respond with compassion anyway. That’s how they know you care.
The Power of Listening to Your Teen—No Training Needed
Of course, therapy involves more than just listening. I’ve spent years learning tools and techniques through reading, training, supervision, and reviewing my sessions. These are skills I’ve practiced over time—just like you’ve developed your own strengths and expertise in your career or everyday life. However, listening is one thing you can do without training. You just have to remember to set down what your doing, pause the music or TV, look directly at your teen instead of other things, and listen to your teen patiently and completely. Also, don’t plan how to respond to your teen while they’re talking to you. Just listen.
Being Tactful
Listening well makes teens feel seen, heard, and respected. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, and it doesn’t mean you can’t share your opinion. However, you have to choose the right moment. Being tactful means knowing when to offer your thoughts. Being tactful is especially important when listening to your teen. Try to listen more than you talk. Most importantly, when they open up, keep the conversation centered on them—not on your experiences or how you would handle it. In other words, try to hear them instead of making them hear you.
What Being Tactful Looks Like
And make sure you don’t offer you’re opinion at the wrong time or too often. It might come across like you’ve just been waiting to share your thoughts instead of trying to understand theirs. Or that you think their problem is easy to solve and they should’ve figured it out themselves. Even if that’s not what you mean, that’s often how it feels to them. And if they disagree with your suggestion, don’t shut the conversation down or tell them they’re being unreasonable. Let them explain why they see things differently. Most importantly, when you do share your opinion, make sure your tone is warm and open.
Your Superpower As A Parent
However, you have a huge advantage—your teen wants you to hear them. They may not say it out loud. In fact they might seem like they don’t want your advice. However, I promise deep down your teen really cares about you listening to them and what you think. In fact, your teen cares more about you listening to them than anyone else on the planet. It might not always feel that way, but your interest in what they think and feel means more than anything a therapist, teacher, or coach thinks. Those people matter—but you’re their number one.
Just Listen
So, Mom or Dad—whoever is reading this—please take the time to really listen to your teen. It shows them how much you care. Set your phone down, leave your to-do list for later, and let go of the urge to plan how you’ll respond to them. Just listen. That quiet, focused presence can go a long way.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
A teen’s moods can vary a lot multiple times per day. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Understanding Teenager Mood Swings
Does your teen go from sweet to sour in the blink of an eye? Do they act super nice only when they want something? Maybe you’re feeling burned out from doing so much for them when they barely show appreciation. Or maybe it seems like they think they are entitled to privileges. One minute they’re yelling, and the next they’re crying because they can’t believe they said that to you. These behaviors are a result of teenager mood swings, something all parents have to deal with. The question is, what do we do when teens have them?
Why Teenager Mood Swings Happen
Teenager mood swings are real—and tough. It’s hard for them and just as hard for you. Part of this behavior can be excused. Teens are still learning how to manage their emotions. Their brains are developing and changing rapidly. However, part of it needs to be held accountable. The tricky thing is knowing when it’s just immaturity and when it’s time to expect more from them. Each year, teenagers get better at emotional regulation, and your expectations should grow with that.
How to Handle Teenager Mood Swings
When your teen is 13 or 14, they can get emotionally overwhelmed really fast. Teenager mood swings happen the most in the early stages of adolescence. So don’t try to reason with them in the heat of the moment. Let them cool off first, then talk things out. One of the best things you can do as a parent is stay calm and wait. Teens still rely on us for most things—rides, money, daily needs—so you don’t have to rush into a fight. For example, if they miss soccer practice because they were too rude for you to want to drive them, that’s on them. But don’t call the coach to smooth things over. If the coach is upset, it’s a natural consequence of your teen’s actions.
What to Expect as Your Teen Matures
As your teen grows, you should expect better behavior. By the time they’re 15 or so, they should start showing more appreciation, yell less, show early signs of empathy, and being more emotionally steady. Teenager mood swings should happen less as your teen matures. That doesn’t mean they’ll be perfect, but they will be more reasonable. And this only works if you’re setting the example. If you’re still yelling like a young teenager, it’s tough to expect your teen to do better.
When They’re Old Enough to Understand
At 16 or 17, teens should start to get it. They understand you’re working hard, and they see the effort you put into your job, your home, and their lives. They should be past the point of taking you for granted. You will probably still fight with your teen sometimes, but they should be a lot more mature than they were than when they were 13.
When Something’s Still Off
If your older teen is still treating you poorly, there’s a reason, and it’s worth trying to figure it out. They shouldn’t be having as many teenager mood swings now that they’re older, so there’s probably another cause. Sometimes a parent’s habits (even unintentional ones) can be triggering or enabling of bad behavior. Or sometimes teens are making bad decisions that they are trying to hide from you, like doing drugs. This will also set them on edge. Whatever the case, give me a call and we can talk about why your older teen is still treating you badly.
A Time of Growth and Challenge
Raising teens is a wild mix of chaos and joy. They’ll drive you up the wall, and then crack you up five minutes later. Teenagers are dealing with so much: school pressure, figuring out relationships, shaping their identity, thinking about the future, and coping with the ups and downs of puberty. It’s a lot! Keep that in mind, but don’t let it be an excuse for poor behavior.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens really know how to push a parents’ buttons, but there are ways to “fight nicely.” Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
How Argumentative Teens Use Condescension
Being condescending is hurtful and disrespectful, and no one can stand being talked down to. That’s mostly why teens do it. If you’re in an argument with your teen, condescension is one of their greatest weapons. Argumentative teens are masters of combining sarcasm with eye rolls, rude names, and more, just to get you frustrated. It’s natural to want to retaliate, but is that the right response?
What to Do When Fighting with an Argumentative Teen
When you’re in the middle of an argument with your teen and they’re being rude, it’s really tempting to snap back. But that’s not the right thing to do. Instead, the louder or nastier they get, the calmer you need to be. If they keep trying to argue or talk back, stand your ground. Let them know—gently but clearly—that if the attitude keeps up, they’ll start losing some privileges. That way, your teen has a choice. They can start being respectful, or they can keep being rude and lose some privileges.
Follow Through
When you tell your teen that they will lose privileges if they continue being rude and they’re rude anyways, make sure you follow through with what you said. For example, say you told them they’ll lose screen time if they don’t stop talking back, but they talk back regardless. Make sure you actually take screen time away. If you don’t, they’ll keep being disrespectful because they know they won’t really face any consequences.
Don’t Dismiss Your Teen’s Feelings
Be careful that you are not condescending toward your teenager, even if they’re being an argumentative teen. Oftentimes, a teenager tries telling their parents that something hurts them, makes them angry, or overwhelms them. In response, the parent dismisses the teen’s feelings as ridiculous. This frustrates the teen, and they’re likely to either shut down or become mean. Whether or not the teen’s feelings are easy to understand, dismissing your teen’s feelings makes them feel condescended.
What to Do Instead of Dismissing Your Teen’s Feelings
Try acknowledging your teen’s feelings. You don’t have to give into their demand if it’s silly or unreasonable. Show them you’ll work with them to find a solution to the problem they’re upset about, even if it’s not what they originally had in mind. Facing a problem together is more effective anyway.
Don’t Repeat Yourself When Fighting with an Argumentative Teen
Try not to repeat your position over and over again. If they can’t understand you the first time (or choose not to understand you because they don’t like what you’re saying), this won’t change if you say it again. I have a friend who handles this situation well. If she tells her kids no and they start to argue with her, she looks at them and says, “asked and answered.” That way, her children have no more room to argue with her. If they’re confused about what she told them, they can ask for clarification, and she can rephrase what she said. However, they can’t just keep arguing.
Combat Conflict with Kindness
Always remember that it takes two to fight. I know that’s old advice, but it’s still a good reminder for all of us (including me!). Stay calm, but be firm. It’s the best way to respond to an argumentative teen. Besides, after you use these tactics for a while, they’ll probably stop arguing!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Why This Post
Being an OC teen is fun, but it’s not always easy. In this post, I’m sharing what some of my clients say about life as a teenager in Orange County. I’ve taken pieces of their stories and turned them into one voice—a fictional OC teen sharing their experience. This way, you can get a better sense of what it’s really like growing up here. I hope it helps you connect with your own teen and understand how they feel a little bit better.
Life for OC Teens
I’m a 13-year-old girl. I go to middle school, do homework, play sports, and go to church. Middle school is tough—there’s a lot of homework, and people are doing a bunch of new things. Some of those things are good, and some definitely aren’t. I also have a little brother I fight with a lot, but deep down I really care about him.
Why I Love Being an OC Teen
I love hanging out with my friends. We joke around and do silly things—like one time we got ice cream and yelled at cars to honk. It sounds silly, but it was really fun. I also love playing tennis. It’s one of my favorite things to do. But most of all, I love going to church. Not a lot of people I know go, but I really enjoy learning about Jesus and seeing my friends there. It’s one of the times I feel totally happy. When I wonder if I need to act differently to fit in, I remember the only thing that really matters is what Jesus thinks of me.
Why Being an OC Teen is Hard
I want to fit in and be popular, but it feels like the harder I try, the less cool I am. Sometimes I wonder if being cool means being mean, breaking rules, or having a boyfriend. At church, my pastor says being cool doesn’t matter—and I believe him—but it’s still hard to stop wanting that. A lot of kids are doing things I think are wrong, and the Bible says is wrong. Am I weird for not joining in? What if they’re having fun and I’m missing out?
Pressures OC Teens Face
I feel like I must be the best at tennis, have the best grades, and have the coolest clothes. And these are just a few of the pressures I face as an OC teen. I can’t just be good at something; I have to be the best.
Having the Best Grades
I get straight As, but that just makes it worse. Now I expect myself to get As. If I get a C on a test, I feel like everyone will be disappointed in me.
Being Good at Sports
I also feel like I have to keep getting better at tennis. I think if I could just improve one part of my game—like my serve—then I’d finally feel like I’m good enough at tennis. But there’s always something else to work on. How important are sports anyway? I’m not going pro; I’m just doing tennis for fun. But then why do I feel so pressured to do well?
Cool Clothes
Fashion changes so fast. Just when I get something cool, it’s not cool anymore. How much do other people’s opinions matter to me?
Wrapping Up
I hope you enjoyed reading from the perspective of an OC teen. My therapy office is located in Mission Viejo (a city in Orange County), so I wrote this post mainly about OC teens. However, these are joys, struggles, and pressures all teens face. So, what should we learn from how teens feel?
What Should We Learn from This
Let your teen have fun—but keep them safe. Talk to them about the choices they face and what the right decisions are, like whether or not to drink or do drugs. Support them when they’re struggling to fit in or feel overwhelmed by school or sports. These things matter, but they shouldn’t be too much. Most importantly, love your teen, listen to them, and help guide them through the ups and downs.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
