Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Sexting is happening much more often than you think. I have been completely SHOCKED as a therapist for teens at how frequently teens are texting sexy messages to one another. A lot of the girls I work with who are not sexually active still sometimes engage in sexting. The phone does make people more comfortable, and text messages make it even easier to say things that would never, ever be said in person.
Most of the time it is a boy asking a girl for a picture of something. However, it is rare that a boy comes right out and asks. Usually the conversation leads into the request for a picture. It starts out friendly enough. Next the conversation becomes flirtatious. Often it might include a compliment like, “You looked really pretty in that dress you wore today.” The girl says thank you, so the boy tries to be a little bit bolder. He might text, “Actually, you looked hot.” Slowly it progresses until the boy asks for a picture. Sometimes the girl says yes, and sometimes the girl says no. Rarely is the boy shamed for asking.
One situation I dealt with a little over 2 years ago happened with a 13 year old girl. She was called into the principle’s office. She was surprised to find a police officer sitting there. He asked her if a picture was of her. She reluctantly admitted it was. She was suspended, but the boy whose phone it was on was arrested. He faced charges of child pornography distribution. Apparently after he became angry at the girl, he sent the picture to several other people in order to embarrass her.
Sometimes the sexting conversations do not include pictures. However, they can include questions about what a boy or girl might do with the other one. Teenagers don’t realize these conversations are in writing! If one party says they are deleting it, but instead forwards it to a friend, it often replicates over and over again.
There are emotional reasons sexting is bad behavior for a teenager too. It creates a false sense of intimacy. There is no personal contact, very little emotional connection, and a boldness that surpasses face to face conversation. It moves the relationship along at a much faster pace.
Often, one of the adolescents in the sexting conversation is very uncomfortable. However, in order to keep the other happy, or not look like a “prude,” they continue. In fact, every single girl I’ve counseled who ended up sending a nude photo initially said no. Often the girl said no several times. With repeated asking the girl gave in. A couple of different times the girl unwittingly sent the image to a guy who had friends over. Can you imagine walking back into school after that?
What can parents do? You have to monitor what your teenager is texting/posting. You have to educate them on how to resist texting pressure just as you do with face to face pressure. Teach your teen to be guarded with his or her emotions. Explain repeatedly that whatever is put in print has the potential to exist forever. Most importantly, maintain an open door policy.
What is an open door policy regarding texting? When I was a teenager my parents allowed me to have boys at my house. However, whatever room we were in, the door had to be wide open. If I was on the phone with a boy the door also had to be wide open. Granted that was in a time when teenagers were carrying around pagers, so texting wasn’t an issue. The open door policy meant my parents could walk by at any time and look in, or hear my side of the phone conversation. Honestly, that policy was very annoying at the time. Now, looking back, I realize it kept me out of a lot of trouble.
An open door policy with the cell phone means that you as a parent reserve the right to grab your teen’s phone at any point, and you actually follow through with this. It means that if they complain that this is a violation of their privacy then they can just not have a phone for a time. It means that you are allowed to be their friend on SnapChat, Instagram, etc. and that you routinely check on their profiles. It also means that you allow your teen more and more privacy as they earn it.
A lot of parents automatically give their teenager privacy, and then they have to take it away if their teen is acting up. The teenager perceives this as mean and unfair. However, if privacy is a privilege and not a right, there is very little argument.
You do these things because you don’t want to be the parent whose son is arrested at school for the distribution of child pornography. You do them because you don’t want to be the parent whose daughter half the school has seen naked. You do them because you want to be the parent who teaches your child to become a self-respecting adult. You do these things because you are a smart parent who knows that setting limits isn’t mean, but is loving your child well.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Help reduce anxiety for your teens with a simple grounding exercise. I quickly demonstrate it in this short video. You will want to walk them through this more slowly, but you will easily understand the concept.
Taking tests can really scare some teens. Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Taking tests is a miserable process for a lot of teenagers. They feel nervous, overwhelmed, and stressed out. There is a lot of pressure to do well, but it is really hard for some people to relax enough to let their mind work.
Here are some tips and tricks that can help:
1. Priming. I put this one first because it is one of the most important things to improve test scores that nobody does. A study came out that shows when adolescents spend 5 minutes writing down adjectives that describe what they think of when they imagine a Harvard professor right before they take a test, they score better by 10% or more on that test. Your teenager will spend a little bit of time writing down words like “brilliant, smart, intelligent, and bright.” After they spend 5 minutes doing this they’ve primed their brain to “think smart.” This means they are overriding the negative assumptions they have about their own test taking abilities.
2. Effective Studying. The vast majority of people spend time studying everything they need to learn for an exam. They actually tend to focus on what they already know or understand even though this is a subconscious action. They do this because it’s what feels comfortable. However, effective studying means spending virtually no time on what is already understood, and a lot of time on the challenging concepts. Your teenager does not need to review every section of the unit for their exam. Your teenager needs to spend time on their more shaky areas. It’s actually a waste of time to look over things they learned in class where they feel competent.
3. Study Timing. We’ve all heard this one before so bear with me if it’s a repeat. It is far easier to retain information if it is studied for up to one hour per day for a week before a test than if it’s studied for hours the day before. Cramming simply doesn’t work. For one a teenager who is cramming has more anxiety, which blocks his ability to effectively remember information. This takes self-discipline, but it also takes the yucky feelings out of taking tests.
4. Sleep. Your child needs 8-9 hours of sleep the night before a test. This is more important than studying until 2am. Our ability to retain, recall and utilize information is very, very directly linked to enough sleep. When we’re tired studying is almost a complete waste of time, and especially when compared with the benefits we are getting from sleep.
5. Association. If your teenager walks while they study, even slowly, their recall improves dramatically. Of course this isn’t possible for every subject, but walking while reviewing flashcards, or listening to a recording of the information they need to learn (anyone can do this by downloading a recording app onto their phone and then reading key passages from their textbook and notes), associations are made. Your teen will subconsciously pair a certain tree with a certain phrase because as they were walking past it they were learning about a specific thing. For example, your teenager might be listening to something about the Revolutionary War while they walk past your mailbox. When it comes time to take their test and they can’t quite recall that specific fact, if they picture the mailbox the fact will probably come to them. Isn’t it fascinating that the human mind works that way?
Try these five steps with your teen. If you change nothing else, have your child get more sleep and spend the 5 minutes priming before the exam. This should help them with their test-taking abilities. It should also improve their confidence, therefore reducing their anxiety.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
I had a client who was a mediocre student. Her parents worked really hard to help her improve her academics. They studied with her. They paid for tutors, and even obtained a 504 plan from the school district. Things got a little bit better for her, but not significantly relative to the extra time and money spent on better study habits. When she started counseling the VERY FIRST thing we had her do is start giving herself the opportunity to sleep 8.5 hours per night. Of course she might not actually be asleep that long, but if she’d go to bed lights and electronics off 8.5 hours before she had to get up, at least she had the opportunity to sleep enough. Within two weeks her mood and academic performance improved far more than anything else she’d tried.
A couple months later she had a musical theater performance through her high school. Anyone involved in high school theater knows the week before and the week of the show a student cannot even consider coming home before 10pm. For those two weeks she got inadequate sleep. For the next while her academics suffered again until she was sleeping more.
Why do I share this girl’s story with you? Getting enough sleep is a HUGE part of your child’s success in school. Please make sure their time to rest is carefully guarded. For that matter, please make sure you also have good habits around sleep. You’ll be a better parent, employee, spouse, etc.
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
