As a parent I understand the longing to intervene when my husband is disciplining our kids. I often want to change some of his words, or help my kids better react to what he’s saying. I want to explain things more clearly.
Likewise, as a wife I understand the temptation to involve my kids when I’m not getting along with my husband. I get irritated sometimes, and I’d love nothing more than to tell my kids about it so they can be on my side.
As you well know, in both cases I’d be wrong. I would create a triangle out of a situation that should be between only two people. This diffuses the anxiety in the situation, which is a relief. But, it also creates unhealthy patterns of not allowing a person to work through hard things in a relationship without a mediator.
If you want to have a more solid relationship with your family members, stop triangulating! At first the tension will feel worse. Ride out the storm because eventually the dynamics in your household will be healthier.
Disclaimer: This obviously excludes situations where things become abusive. In those cases stepping in to protect the victim is always advisable, whether that is you speaking up, or you calling the police if there is violence.
According to research, girls who play sports make better life-choices. Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Teen girls who play organized sports get into a lot less trouble. According to a large body of research (http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Not_Just_Another/) conducted in the last ten years, girls who play sports have substantially lower rates of risky behavior. Girls involved in athletics are less likely to try drugs or alcohol, have fewer sexual partners, and become sexually active later. There are increases in positive behaviors as well. Girls who play sports have higher GPAs, and higher rates of graduation. They have a more positive body image and higher self-esteem.
Athletics provide a sense of structure, accountability, and a group of friends. Exercise is very good for the mind and body, and it decreases rates of depression. Girls who play on their high school sports teams have a sense of belonging to the school. They tend to have more school pride, which leads to an increase in caring about their community.
Playing sports also reduces overall anxiety. There are instances where anxiety arises because of the pressure in sports, but for the most part it is helpful for the anxious teenager. Getting exercise, going outside, being with friends, and focusing on something intensely all helps lower anxiety. Besides that, sports are fun!
If your daughter has been struggling with self-esteem or is tempted by risky behavior, consider signing her up for a sport. It can make a huge difference. It gives you both something to talk about too. If you’re discussing the most recent track meet, you’re communicating. For many parents, communicating with their teenager is difficult. Sports provide an avenue for relationship.
Be careful not to put too much pressure on your child when they are playing their sport. There are very few high school athletes good enough to compete at the collegiate level. There are very few collegiate level athletes good enough to compete at the professional level. It is okay if your 13 year old daughter isn’t on the top team. It is much more important that she is having fun and making friends. Your top priority needs to be her character development, not her athletic career.
The bottom line is, getting her involved in a sport is good for her mental health, physical health, and social health.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
If your teen has ODD, arguing back won’t get you anywhere. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a psychological diagnosis usually reserved for teens and children. It is given when the child has a pervasive pattern of disobedient or disrespectful behavior and attitude. Most often this is seen across the board towards adult authority figures.
Here’s a hypothetical example. Let’s say Michael is 12 years old. For the last year he has been very sassy with his parents. He ignores them when they ask him to do something around the house. He argues with them just because. If they say go left, Michael goes right. There often isn’t even logic to his choices other than they are the opposite of what he was asked to do. He behaves this way in school too. He talks back to his teachers. He is in trouble a lot of the time and receives detentions for disruptive behavior. He comments frequently that something is “stupid” when they assign a project or homework.
Adolescents and children with ODD do not cross the line into violent or law-breaking behavior. They do not harm animals, get into physical fights, steal things, or find themselves in situations where they could be arrested. Children who go that far are usually diagnosed with Conduct Disorder. Oppositional Defiance is more like an extremely bad attitude in a wide array of situations.
ODD is a huge challenge for therapists. The reason is that teens and children with ODD want to argue with adult authority figures. It takes a lot of work on the part of the counselor to help the child see them as something other than an authority figure while still maintaining limits and boundaries.
From my work with teens who have ODD, I have found there are a few really important things to keep in mind. The first is that these kids don’t respond to discipline in the same way others might. Oftentimes disciplining a child with ODD is taken more as a challenge than as a chance to rethink bad behavior. Children with this diagnosis need to be caught doing good instead of only caught doing bad. Teens with this diagnosis have decided the only way to get what they need in life is to fight against people until they’ve worn them down. When you catch them being good, and praise them for it, they have a chance to see their needs get met while they are behaving.
The second thing is to be immobile. Plant your feet in one place and no matter how hard your teenager pushes, just stay right where you are (figuratively of course). You love your child deeply, and nothing can change that. Don’t stop loving them, don’t react to their attitude, and generally remain consistent in the message you send that no matter how hard they try, they won’t succeed in pushing you away.
The third thing that is of utmost importance when dealing with someone who is diagnosed as having ODD is that anger is useless. Yelling, showing very intense irritation, arguing and trying to be louder than the child will not work. Keeping the emotional level very low tends to be more effective for engaging conversation. Once you cross the threshold into trying to win the battle, you’ve already lost.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder is extremely difficult to work with, and a hugely frustrating thing for parents to contend with. Be very patient, remain firmly planted, catch them being good, and don’t match their desire to argue. The other good news is that ODD often resolves in a few years- getting help can speed this along.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Binge watching on a regular basis can be an addiction.
Entertainment streaming addiction is so prevalent among
teens (and people across the United States for that matter) that it’s almost
hard to recognize. Most people are watching
hours of Youtube videos, Netflix, or Hulu each day. Because a great number of
people are doing it, it starts to seem acceptable. However, I challenge you to think about how
any “addiction” is defined. This will
help you decide if your adolescent might have streaming addiction.
Addiction means needing more and more of something to feel
satisfied, while feeling some form of withdrawal when it is taken away. Has your teenager spent increasing amounts of
time watching videos of some sort? If
you took all devices from them so they could not stream anything, would they be
irritable? Would it go beyond
irritability? Would they become
despondent?
Many people thinl addiction is only possible if drugs or
alcohol are involved. They assume you
need to go through physical withdrawals for something to qualify as
“addiction.” While the withdrawals from
substances add danger to the withdrawal process, my experience tells me people
get addicted to all kinds of things ranging from gambling to pornography to
entertainment streaming.
The other element of addiction is whether it is leading to
atrophy in other areas of life. Is your
teenager spending an inordinate amount of time sitting or lying down in order
to watch a screen? Is your teen
struggling to get enough sleep because of hours lost to binge watching? Has your teenager socialized less and less
frequently with friends, preferring the company of a series they are
watching? Is your teenager’s favorite
activity with you to watch a certain TV series together? If you answered yes to these questions, then
their life is out of balance because of entertainment streaming overload.
I encourage you to begin limiting your adolescent’s time in
front of a screen. According to Common
Sense Media, teenagers are in front of a screen an average of nine hours per
day. Think about that! Nine hours per day! I PROMISE you they don’t have nine hours of
homework per day, which means a lot of that screen time is unproductive. Try putting a monitor on their devices just
to make them aware of it at first. Most
people don’t want to be someone who does nothing but watch shows, they just
don’t realize how much they’re doing it.
If they are made aware of how much screen time they accumulate each day,
that might be enough for them to pare back.
If this doesn’t impact their screen use, then you will have
to consider cutting the cord. A lot of
parents are hesitant to end a Netflix subscription because they also enjoy streaming. But, being a parent has always meant doing
things you don’t feel like doing. When
your kids were little you probably didn’t want to watch The Little Mermaid for the 100th time, yet you did it
because it made them smile. You may not
want to give up Netflix in the house, but you can do it because it’s best for
your kids’ growth and development.
Once your teenager is through the initial withdrawal period
they will suddenly reappear around the house.
You will see your teen in the family room more often. They will reengage with other
activities. It’s hard to imagine
anything past their initial anger at first.
After a week or two though they usually start to enjoy things again.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
