There is a strong correlation between pain and depressed moods. If you find your teenager seems irritable and down, one thing that might be worth exploring is if they are in chronic pain. Not every kid will complain when they have something nagging in their body. Perhaps your child has always had allergies, and everyone is so used to him having a runny nose that it’s easy to underestimate the negative impact this has on his moods. The bottom line is, pain can lead to feelings of depression. This means not every case of depression is psychiatric. It also works in reverse. Depression can lead to symptoms of pain. Things are not always as clear-cut as they first appear.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Some teens send hundreds or even thousands of texts per day. Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Dear Teens,
You live in an era where it’s easier to spend time in front of a screen than go do things out in the world. It’s hard to go more than three minutes without some form of entertainment. If you look at what you’re parents are doing, there’s a good chance mom, dad or both are also addicted to technology. They don’t even go to the bathroom without taking their phone! This means it’s not just your age group, so don’t feel condemned.
Here are the positives of being on social media, playing video games, watching Netflix, or spending time on any other app. First of all, you’re pretty much staying out of trouble. You could be out doing drugs, or getting into all kinds of stuff; instead you’re at home where mom and dad know you’re safe. Secondly, you’re probably never bored. You always have something to keep you occupied. When I was your age, if we couldn’t get ahold of our friends then we had almost nothing do do at home. Thirdly, you probably communicate with your friends all the time. Between commenting on their pictures or messages, and sending them texts or Snapchats, you’re always in contact.
Like anything though, there are some negatives to too much screen time. I bet you can guess what I’m going to say. First of all, you might not be taking great care of your physical health. One study came out that said people who use a lot of electronics are more sedentary, and eat more calories than those who don’t. The combination of not moving much, and eating in front of the TV because you’re bored can equate to carrying excess weight. The second problem you might have is that everyone looks happy on social media. They tend to post pictures when they’re with friends, or put up posts that say how much fun they’re having. You’ve probably heard, but this isn’t real. Every single person who posts things has times where they lack confidence, are lonely, feel angry, etc. It’s just not very common to write things on Facebook like, “I’m feeling ugly today because I have a huge zit in the middle of my forehead.”
Thirdly, some of you struggle with face to face interactions. When you text or post things all the time, you get to think before you hit send. That’s so nice because you have a few seconds or even minutes to formulate your answer. When you’re in person though you feel awkward and uncomfortable. You’re not with your peers in person as much as generations before you, so you haven’t spent as much time practicing the nuances of conversation. It’s really an art to be funny, witty, deep, and thought-provoking in a face to face conversation. Most people need a lot of practice to get there, and they practiced it growing up with their friends. Now you don’t do as much of that. It just makes things harder when you go on a date or interview for a job.
If you worry that you might be addicted to technology, here’s a quick self-test. Put down all forms of technology for 3 days in a row. Can you do it? If you can find books to read, enjoy going on a walk, and figure out how to talk with people, you’re probably okay. However, if you feel a sense of withdrawal, and a little bit depressed without your technology, then recognize that you might have a psychological dependence on it that goes beyond what is within healthy limits.
As an adolescent I was overly eager to fit in with the “Scrippies,” which was our sarcastic name for the cool kids. I’m sure my overeagerness was off-putting. In sixth grade some girls were called biters, some were called the b-word and some were called the s-word, but I was called annoying. Let me tell you, obsequiousness doesn’t really get you far when it comes to fitting in.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Oh no! It’s finally happened! Your teen has come home asking for permission to get a tatoo. Maybe you have a hundred tatoos already so this doesn’t really bother you. However, if you’re like most parents you’re not exactly ecstatic about this new development. Here are some therapist thoughts on what to do when your teenager wants to do something to their body you aren’t really comfortable supporting (or flat out refuse to permit):
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hypervigilance is a common symptom after a trumatic event. Credit: freedigitalphotos.net/Graphics Mouse
I’ve been a therapist for a decade now. I’ve worked with teens in private practice for that entire duration. I’ve heard a lot of different stories, many of which involve trauma. I’ve noticed with trauma there is a natural tendency to incorrectly predict its effects on teens. Some parents overreact, and others are so overwhelmed that they downplay the significance of the traumatic event. For parents it’s a very helpless feeling when something horrific has happened to your child.
In 1926 a sweet baby girl was born to a young mother who was divorced with very few financial prospects in life. While this girl’s early life was pleasant and full of love from her mother, eventually things began to unravel. Her mother did not have enough money to care for her and she was placed into foster care. Finally her mother was able to get her back, but when the young girl was 7.5 years old, her mother had a psychotic break from reality. Her mother ended up diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. What was a young girl with no father and now no mother to do in the 1930’s? She was moved through foster cares and orphanages where she either felt alone and abandoned, or was sexually abused. Eventually she married the first guy she could find simply to put some stability in her life. Do you know whose story this is? It’s Marilyn Monroe. We all know the tragic ending her life took after three divorces and drug abuse struggles. By the age of 36 she had overdosed, and it was called a likely suicide.
This isn’t to say that if you’re child has experienced a trauma they will end up like Marilyn Monroe. What I am hoping to point out from her really sad story is that recurring trauma absolutely wears a person down. We all have some amount of resilience build into us, but if we come to the point that we expect to be battered by life again and again, we will look to whatever escape we can find. The tragic irony of this is that many of those escapes ultimately cause further trauma. An example of this is using drugs to escape the deep anxiety, sadness, shame and hopelessness caused by trauma. Over time though, being around people who use drugs means being exposed to people who resort to all means to obtain more drugs. Now there is increased risk for more traumatic exposure.
To heal from deep trauma there are many components. I will talk about only a couple of them here. One is having something reliable and unchanging. People die and places change, but God never changes. A deep, meaningful faith is really helpful to healing from trauma. Knowing there is still hope, still love, and still something to lean on is important. But, this is complicated because a lot of trauma survivors feels abandoned by God as they question how He could have let something awful occur in the first place. While there are good answers to these very important questions, it’s outside a therapist’s purview to answer them. I strongly encourage you to have this discussion with your own religious leaders as you try to seek answers.
Another extremely important element to healing from trauma is addressing and uncovering shame. Shame says, “I am bad,” for whatever happened. This is different from regret or some other similar emotion which says, “That event was bad.” Many trauma survivors feel the event was somehow their own fault. It takes some deep work to change this belief.
Overcoming trauma is extremely important. During a lifetime each and every one of us will experience deeply disturbing and upsetting circumstances. Some of us will be unlucky enough to witness death, have our own lives threatened, or see our own children hurt in unimaginable ways. Resilience is built into our psyches and our hearts, but it can be really hard to find it sometimes. If you worry about your teen’s reaction to trauma, please seek a professional opinion. Sometimes just one event can continue to traumatize its victim over and over again. At Teen Therapy OC we desperately want your adolescent to have a joy-filled life, not one full of fear, anxiety, shame and hypervigilance.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
