Teenagers like it when you listen. They will talk if you can refrain from judging or interrupting the things they would like to share with you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Marijuana addiction in teens is a growing problem
Marijuana is everywhere. If your teenager isn’t using it, they know at least five other adolescents who are. Teenagers have a very lackadaisical attitude towards the drug. They generally don’t think much about the physical health consequences of inhaling smoke/vape into the lungs, or the mental health consequences of using a drug that fosters dependence and indifference.
Here’s the thing with abusing weed. Teens can usually still function at a fairly decent level. If they were using heroin, methamphetamine, or cocaine, it is obvious that something is amiss. The effects with cannabis are more subtle. When a teenager is abusing marijuana, they seem off, but as a parent you might not be able to pinpoint why. There is a change in their motivation, but that could just be that they’re tired of school. It’s not so clear that you immediately think “drugs.”
With teenagers who regularly abuse marijuana, there are symptoms that really demonstrate why cannabis use can be a problem. Their grades drop. They lose interest in spending time with certain friends. They stop wanting to play sports. They lie to you more often. They seem uninterested in things that used to be exciting. They don’t react with anxiety to things that should make them anxious, such as you being mad at them. They suddenly become more concerned with money, and yet don’t seem to have much of it. They also might gain weight. Despite all this, the majority of teenagers who are consistently abusing marijuana don’t think there are any negative effects from the drug.
If you suspect your teenager is using, one of the best tools at your disposal is the over-the-counter drug panel. It is pretty easy to administer. Your teenager can fake it out with certain products they can purchase on the internet, at a smoke shop or get from their friends. However, if you surprise them with the test, it will most likely give you real results. Teens who are drug tested on a regular basis by their parents, at random, tend to quit using altogether. If they don’t quit, they often dramatically reduce their use. Once a few months go by, most of them tell me things like, “I feel the cobwebs clearing,” or “I think more quickly now,” or “I didn’t even realize how much it was affecting me.”
Help your teenager stay drug free. You’ll help them avoid depression, anxiety, bad friends, low motivation in school, and frustration in their relationship with you. If you yourself use marijuana from time to time, please understand that your teenager almost certainly knows it, and assumes that means you approve them using it too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Image courtesy of sattva at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Every week in my counseling office, I sit across the room from at least one Orange County teenager who is struggling with codependency. They do not usually realize this is their struggle. Their parents call me because their child is feeling a lot of anxiety, or has been having a hard time in their friendships. Sometimes the teen has been feeling depressed, or is acting out. Many, many times the call comes because parents are fed up with their child’s association with a certain group of kids, and this has caused some big arguments in the house.
This is a common enough problem that if you are my client and you are reading this, you might think I am telling your story. Well, in a sense I might be; this is true because codependency in teenagers is very common, and very challenging to work with.
First of all, what is codependency, and what does it mean when a teenager is codependent? Codependent behavior is when you cannot let go of someone who needs to make a change in their life. You feel valued by “helping” someone who actually does not want help. Let me explain this better with the most common scenario I see. I work with a lot of teenage girls who are dating a boy that uses/experiments with drugs. The girl hates this and tells her boyfriend to stop using. The boyfriend makes all kinds of promises, and the girl feels important. The girl believes the relationship is saving the boyfriend from spiraling downward into harder, more addictive drugs. She knows it is not good for her to date someone like this, but she feels value because she thinks he loves her enough to stop. She says things to me such as, “I can’t break-up with him because then he’d really fall apart.” (Just so we’re clear, I used the example of the girl being codependent, but boys are often codependent too.)
Friendships can have the same elements of codependency as dating relationships. A great number of teens I work with know they ought to make better friends. However, they often hold two beliefs preventing this. The first one is that the “better” people would not want to befriend them. The second (the codependent belief) is that their friends would do worse things if they were not around to keep them in check.
So, now that you know what codependency is, and what it can look like in teenagers, when is it time to end a relationship?
1. When your teen comes home upset on a regular basis. Adolescents are often moody, so I am referring to extra moody.
2. When you notice your teenager is clinging to a friend who only calls them back when nobody else is available.
3. If your teenager has been giving a lot of money to a friend.
4. If your teen is consistently asking you how to help a certain person, and you’re not sure it’s a good idea.
5. If your teen begins to lie in order to cover for a friend.
6. I’m sorry that I even have to write this one down, but it comes up more than you’d think. If your teenager starts asking you to lie to a friend’s parents to cover for that friend.
7. If you find out your teenager has been picking up their friend from unusual situations.
8. If your teen’s friends have spent the night and you didn’t even know they were coming over (This doesn’t mean your kid is codependent, it’s just a caution flag.)
9. If your teen is dating someone and all their friends stop coming around.
10. If you have a strong feeling of dislike for the person your teen is dating, and their friends agree with you.
Codependency in teenagers is common, but destructive. It raises levels of anxiety for your teen, and it can leave them feeling down. As a parent, this is very painful to watch. Codependency is difficult, but can be helped. Often this takes a parent being really firm, or it takes some good counseling.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
It’s hard to go back to school if you feel nervous about it. It’s even harder if you have full on anxiety.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Codependence is emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually exhausting.
Ending a relationship in which you get a lot of your value from helping someone who does not necessarily want help is a huge challenge. You believe this person would fall apart without you. They might tell you things like, “I will kill myself if you ever break up with me,” or “The only reason I don’t use drugs again is because you keep me sober.” However, their behavior is still very unhealthy and you are completely caught in it.
When you finally decide it’s time to get out of the relationship you need to realize 6 very, very important things:
1. You have value to this world whether or not you are associating with this person. There are many, many people who love you and think you are worth a million bucks just because you’re you. You don’t have to earn their love.
2. When you end the codependent relationship, whatever actions the other person takes are not your fault. If the person goes on a bender and then blows up your phone with texts that tell you it’s your fault, you HAVE to remember that it isn’t your fault. You are never, ever responsible for what someone else chooses to do. You didn’t hold a gun to their head.
3. You’ve been manipulated for a long time. You are so used to hearing that you’re a piece of garbage when you don’t do whatever the other person wants, and then that you are a savior whenever you show up and save them from themselves. It’s really hard to get used to just being responsible for yourself.
4. It is imperative that you cut off contact for awhile, and maybe indefinitely. Even though you are making a healthy choice for yourself, if you get a call that they are thinking about suicide, your heartstrings will be pulled, forcefully. You will want to rush into the situation and save them again. It is really hard to resist. However, if you give in you will be completely entrapped again.
5. Focus on what you mean to do with your life. Write down the ways you have given up things you shouldn’t have just to keep this other person sane. Write down money you shouldn’t have spent, lies you shouldn’t have told, friend you shouldn’t have lost, trust you shouldn’t have broken, etc. On the other side of the paper write down who you were before this person affected you so deeply. This is who you can be again if you stay away from the toxicity of a codependent relationship.
6. Most threats are idle threats just to get you back. For the most part if you stop responding to these desperate pleas for help, someone else will step in. This person has always come to you because you have had poor boundaries with them.
There are two really good, emotionally safe places to go if you struggle with codependent thinking and behavior. The first is Alanon. This is a great place to go if someone you are close with is addicted to drugs or alcohol, and you have helped enable their addiction. The second is CODA, which stands for Codependents Anonymous. This is for anyone with any codependent behavior, whether it is being “too” helpful to someone with a drug problem or “too” helpful to someone with mental illness, etc.
If you’re a young adult and you’re reading this, we have some therapists on staff who are able to provide you additional support as you work through this. We know it’s not easy.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
