by Lauren Goodman | Nov 3, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Spending good quality time with your daughter or son can be fun!
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My blog usually discusses topics that are difficult. Normally I’m writing to you about things that might be going wrong between you and your teenagers such as arguing, lying, cutting, suicidal thoughts, etc. We’re always talking about the darker parts of raising teens.
While the challenges you face are extremely important to consider, sometimes it’s nice to think about how to keep things on the good track too.
Today we’re going to discuss one of the tools I’ve seen be most effective in healing relationships between teenagers and their parents: the daddy-daughter or mommy-son date.
You’re well aware of how important it is to spend quality time with your children. You even know already that to spend alone time with each child has huge benefits to your adolescent’s development. What you might not have known is that this special time together can be something that teaches your teenager multiple lessons in a loving, indirect manner.
First let’s address the daddy-daughter date. Dads, when you take your daughter out, make it special. You don’t need to spend a lot of money, but be thoughtful. Take her to do something she wants to do. If you know there’s a certain movie she’d like to see, or a certain place she loves to hike, take her there. It’s nice to show her things you’re interested in, but this is about you teaching her to feel confident in her preferences. When you leave the house, tell her she looks pretty, and open the car door for her. She will learn how men should treat her from how you treat her. She will learn her self-value from how you prioritize these dates in your life. If you tell her you’ll take her the first Friday of each month, it’s extremely important to follow-through.
For moms: Your date goes a little bit differently. This is your chance to teach your sons how to respect women, and how to treat them kindly. I worked with a mom who would give her son $20 or $30 and then tell him to plan a date for them. She was able to teach him something about budgeting, planning, and being thoughtful as well as teach him all the rules of chivalry.
For both mom and dad: When you take your kids on a date, keep the conversation positive. This is not the time to talk to them about how disappointed you are in their chemistry grade. They should look forward to these times with you. If you treat them the same as every other day, they may dread this instead of look forward to it. This needs to be a time of safe, critical-free conversation.
Spend some time with your teenager and have fun! Teenagers are really humorous, but they can also talk on a deep level. They still need you and crave relationship with you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 19, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
When you’re teen starts driving make sure there are clear rules.
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How did it happen so fast? How is your teenager already getting their learner’s permit, or ready to get their driver’s license. This is a scary, exciting time for parents. For your teen it’s a rite of passage.
As parents we worry about all the usual things: Is my teenager going to get into an accident? Do I need to be concerned that they will drive after drinking? Is my teenager going to get a ticket? What happens to my insurance when they start driving? What if they drive all their friends when they’re supposed to wait a year?
As a counselor who works with teenagers, I have seen parents handle driving in many different ways. The most common way I’ve seen parents handle teen drivers is to buy them a car without restrictions and then let them drive. The teenager may or may not be responsible for gas and insurance. There is really no discussion about responsibility and expectations. I don’t think this is a good way to go about something as important as driving a car, but it’s what the majority of parents do.
I’ve seen other parents lay out the ground rules ahead of time. There is a lot of discussion, with the teenager’s input, into how driving will be handled in the family. Some teens are told a few years in advance that they are responsible to pay for a portion of their car. They are encouraged to start working and saving. These teens tend to get less tickets, keep their car cleaner, and care more about the responsibility of driving in general because they put in a lot of hours at low pay to earn the right to drive. Other teens are told they can use the “third family car” as long as it is kept clean, grades stay up, they pay for gas and don’t get tickets or accidents. A third thing I’ve heard of, but never known parents to do, is require the teenager to put down a “deposit” with mom and dad for the amount of the insurance deductible in case of an accident. They get the money back when they are off mom and dad’s insurance plan. I actually really like this one, and am thinking of using it with my daughter when she starts driving.
The main point is that driving is a HUGE change in your teenager’s life. They gain a lot of independence and autonomy. It’s absolutely wonderful for the adolescents who are ready for it. It can be tragic for those who don’t respect that driving comes with a lot of responsibility and is potentially dangerous. Knowing your child as you do, think very carefully about how you want to deal with driving. Every teenager, and I mean EVERY teenager, has areas where they need some personal growth. Driving is an opportunity to encourage that growth. If your child is irresponsible with money you can use driving to teach them budgeting and wise spending. If your child is reckless with his or her belongings, you can use the car to teach them to take care of their things.
Driving is a wonderful opportunity for parenting. It’s a chance for your teenager to show you how responsible they’ve become. It’s nice for your teen to have independence, and it’s nice for you not to be driving all over the place. When handled with care, your teenager starting to drive can be great for the whole family.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 2, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
If you engage the argument with your teen, you’re just going to get more of it.
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Your teenager has a smart mouth, and you’re a little sick of it. You don’t know how much more you can take if they keep talking back to you when you ask them to do something. It’s plain rude and it’s really frustrating. You don’t understand why you are the recipient of the nasty tone when you see them be perfectly nice and respectful to other adults. What do you do?
One really important step to take is to check yourself. Are you rude to them? Do you get defensive easily? Do you engage their arguing and get just as nasty? Those things won’t help. However, I know how incredibly hard it is not to get baited into an argument. It’s almost impossible actually.
That is the next step though; do not get baited into the discussion. At first just fail to respond when your teen has a rude tone with you. They will probably comment on this. You might make eye contact and then just walk away. If you think you can say it evenly and calmly, you can gently tell them they are not speaking in a very nice tone and then walk away. The main point is that you don’t want to escalate the situation. Keep in mind once your teen gets into talking back mode, they’re not listening anyhow so getting louder won’t really make the point you’re trying to make.
Gently and quietly administer a consequence for their being rude to you. This has to be done in such a way that they realize if they continue things will just get worse for them. One time as a teenager I flipped my mom off in a conversation. She very calmly told my my friends could no longer spend the night that night (it was a Friday), but instead had to leave by 9pm. I protested loudly and rudely. She told me that because I was continuing to be disrespectful they could now only come over until 7pm. I tried one more time and she just said, “6:00.” That was it. I got quiet. I tried to apologize a little later and she said she accepted my apology, but the friends still had to leave at 6. She said she looked forward to Saturday night when I’d have the opportunity to try again. She really only had to do things like this a few times before I knew I shouldn’t speak to her disrespectfully or I would lose things that mattered to me, quickly.
On the other hand, my dad was always willing to negotiate with my sister and me. As a result, he got a lot more sass than my mom every did. He would sometimes give into our whining and begging, which actually rewarded our bad behavior. He would sometimes get worn out if we argued with him and then give in. We knew this and so we pushed. We talked back to him a lot. My mom used to tell him not to negotiate, but I don’t think he knew how to just be calm, yet firm.
If you can quietly stand your ground, not engage when your teen is rude, set a limit and maybe continue to restrict if they carry on, you will probably make some headway on the talking back. I know these techniques are easier said than done, but you can do it! It will make your relationship with your teenager a lot more enjoyable.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Sep 20, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Teens struggle when their divorced parents don’t get along.
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This has come up a lot recently in the therapy office, so I thought I might address it here:
Lately I have worked with several teenagers whose parents are divorced, and their parents are not on good terms. The teenagers really lose in this situation. They find themselves triangulated between their parents. They have to play both sides a little bit to avoid things getting worse. It is extremely stressful for some of them, and others choose not to cope with it at all.
The teens who feel a lot of stress and anxiety because of their parents disliking one another are the ones who really wish everyone would get along. It hurts them to hear how one parent is irresponsible or not paying child support on time, etc. They tend to be powerless to resolve any of the argument, and yet are expected to listen to it. Every action a parent takes is interpreted negatively by the other parent. If dad begins to date again, mom tells the child it is because he doesn’t love his original family enough. If mom goes on a trip with friends, dad tells the kids she is being selfish with her time and her money. When the teenager wants to have money for a trip, one parent will say the other parent is the one responsible to pay for it. When the other parent doesn’t pay they are made to look like they don’t care about the child (All these listed situations have come up in the last two weeks, by the way).
Teens who wish their family would get along end up holding a lot inside because they don’t want to upset the precarious balance in their families. They are constantly maneuvering to try and keep the peace. They omit information, tell small lies, and agree just to placate each parent. They excuse a lot of bad behavior and internalize hurt feelings because they wind up believing they have to protect their parents from one another. This is a role reversal from the natural order of things in life where parents are supposed to protect their kids.
Other teenagers refuse to cope with parents who don’t get along. I see them do this in two ways. One is that the teen acts out. They create enough of a problem in their own life that their parents are forced to band together to address the teenager’s issue. They might get into drugs, be promiscuous, do poorly in school, go through a major depression, etc. It really can be anything that’s effective at getting mom and dad to be amicable towards one another. Their struggle is then rewarded because their parents usually care enough about the teen to stop hating one another for the time it takes to get through the struggle. Sometimes the teenager’s issue goes away all by itself once the parents resolve to get along with each other.
The second way adolescents cope with divorced parents who argue is to simply not cope with it at all. They decide they cannot handle being in the middle and refuse to see one of the parents. They stay at one house and get along with one parent. This might look like choosing sides in the divorce, and maybe that is a piece of it, but it is often also related to a strong dislike of being in the middle.
If you and your spouse are divorced, try as hard as you can to be amicable. I realize that one or both of you hurt the other deeply. I know that things were probably said and/or done that are unforgivable. I know you worry about the influence your ex will have on the children. This is an extremely difficult situation no matter what way you look at it. Keep in mind that in most cases (typically only barring abuse and addiction) it is positive for your kids to have a good relationship with both parents.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Aug 28, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Showing our teens we’re proud helps them connect with us.
Credit: freedigitalphotos.net/ David Castillo Dominici
We all desperately want connection. We don’t just want any connection though; we want a good connection. When we’re on target in our relationship with our kids, it feels amazing. They are listening to us and we’re enjoying watching them thrive. They’re slowly stepping out into more and more independence. However, this process is done respectfully. How do we get more of this in our relationship with our teenagers?
One of the biggest things for the teens I see in my therapy practice is acknowledgement. They feel like a million bucks when a parent points out something that was done well. It means even more if there’s no constructive criticism attached.
Your teen has done something worthy of a compliment in the past week. Even if he or she is behaving horribly, something was done well. Perhaps your adolescent is a really loyal friend. Maybe your teenager showed compassion to a sibling. Did your teen show self-restraint when that is usually difficult for him or her? Find something to celebrate.
Also, go big on the big moments. It’s a nice thing to make a fuss over really big steps in your child’s life. This doesn’t mean throwing some huge party because your teenager has finished the 10th grade. It does means making a big deal when he or she finishes high school though. Even if your teen finishes in a non-traditional way such as passing the GED, this is a milestone.
Many of the young men and women who come to therapy in my office will tell their parents something isn’t anything to fuss over. Then they turn around and tell me they wish their parents had been present to celebrate it with them. I’ve heard this from seemingly small events like your child’s first varsity game and your child’s best report card, to the really big things like eighth grade promotion, prom and college admission.
Mom and Dad, your teen wants to know you’re watching. They want to know you’re proud. Sometimes they want you to tell them without including what they also can improve on. Every now and again, “Wow! That was awesome!” is all you need to say.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 31, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Good boundaries with teens leaves room for a good relationship.
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When your teenager is testing the limits of what they’re allowed to do, it can be a difficult process for you as a parent. Suddenly your adolescent daughter has her first boyfriend and now she wants to stay out until midnight. Or, maybe your thirteen year old son has tried pot for the first time. What are you supposed to do?
1. Be collaborative. Teenagers have a mind of their own and it should be considered. While they are not the final word, it’s important to include them in the discussion. What do they think are appropriate boundaries and why? Have your teen submit a draft of a contract to you outlining what they think they should have. It’s tempting to believe they’ll write things like “no curfew” and “unlimited computer and phone time,” but they almost certainly won’t. Usually they will write in things that push the limits of what you have allowed them so far, but won’t push the limits very far.
2. Create a contract. Once you have a proposal from your teenager, go over it with their other parent. If you’re married to their other parent, this is easier of course. If you aren’t married to their other parent, while this is a challenge, ideally the same rules will be enforced equally in both houses. Together with their other parent, create a contract for your teen. It should include boundaries for grades, electronics, socializing, dating, drugs and alcohol, disrespect, chores, and any other things you think are relevant to your child specifically. Each item should have an upper and lower limit. Here’s an example of what that means: You will earn a minimum of a 2.5. If your GPA drops below a 2.5 you will be grounded from social activities until it’s back at a 2.5. If you earn a 3.2 or higher GPA you will have demonstrated to us that you are working hard in school and can handle the responsibility of being social on weeknights as well. In other words, your contract should have both positive and negative consequences for each item.
3. Only set enforceable limits. It doesn’t do any good to make up rules you have no ability to enforce. Don’t tell your teen they cannot have a boyfriend or girlfriend when you can’t control who they talk to at school. This will just cause them to sneak, and you to have to punish when you find out. If you don’t want them dating it’s much better to set a limit in a way that is enforceable, such as “No dating one on one until you’re [insert age].” This is something you can control much more easily than whether they have the title of boyfriend or girlfriend.
4. Enforce your boundaries. This is the most important of all the tips in this blog. Once you set a rule you must enforce it, no matter what. A lot of parents I work with come in complaining their teen doesn’t respect them. When we dig into the reasons why, one thing that happens is they set a rule, but then negotiate with their child when it’s time to enforce the rule. If you’ve told your teen that texting after 11pm results in their loss of the phone for 24 hours, then you need to take the phone for 24 hours. This needs to be unemotional, no discussion, and quickly executed. Excuses and tears cannot change how you approach boundary enforcement. Also, your consequences should be very well known to your teen ahead of time because they will have signed the contract that says what you’re going to do.
Boundary setting sounds overwhelming with teens. However, it’s actually quite simple if it’s done clearly and consistently. They appreciate having a contract if they’re allowed to contribute to what’s in it. If you randomly set rules, randomly enforce them and don’t let your teen have a say then they’ll hate it. That’s when they’ll fight you on it and feel frustrated. Having well set boundaries with your teenager leaves room for a fantastic relationship with them.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
