by Lauren Goodman | Jan 28, 2018 | Parenting Techniques
If you let your teen use your extra car, have them keep it nice.
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How do you teach a teenager to be responsible? In some ways they seem like adults, and in other ways they seem like children. It is a very confusing time for parents. Most people know these are crucial years in terms of setting up good habits for the rest of the teenager’s life, but helping them become responsible step by step is very challenging.
Firstly, take stock of what your teenager does well. If your teen is really good about knowing when they have soccer practice, and what each friend is doing on a Saturday night, that is a sign of responsible thinking. That at least shows they have the capability to be organized. Build on this. Maybe you tell your teen to take responsibility for the sports schedule, and that they need to give you a 24 hour head’s up before you need to drive them somewhere. If they forget, take them at your convenience. Don’t drop everything and rush. To be fair though, if they do tell you about needing a ride somewhere with the agreed upon notice, get them there on time. When I was a teen my parents often dropped me off late at practices, games and sometimes even school. It was really frustrating!
Do not give your child an allowance. I know many people think this will help the teen learn to live on a certain number of dollars per day. However, getting an allowance simply because you exist is like getting welfare. Provide your teen an opportunity to earn the money you give them. It’s fine to give them a set amount each week, but it should be in exchange for a set number of completed chores. You also get a set amount of money from your company each paycheck, but you have to earn it; why shouldn’t they live under the same premise? Teaching your teen to work for money motivates them to work harder. It teaches the relationships between working harder and getting paid more, and working smarter and getting paid more. It won’t take your teen long to learn that working for you only pays $5 per hour, so getting a real job that pays $10 is working smarter.
Put your house in order. If you take care of your spouse first, and children second, they will learn responsibility. For single parents of course this won’t apply, and that’s fine. For all parents though, you show your adolescent a lot about responsibility when you keep your home clean, picked-up, and in good condition. Showing your teen that you take care of your possessions helps them see an example of hard work and self-discipline. This goes a long way in teaching your teen to be responsible.
These are just a few examples of how to teach responsibility to a teenager. If you didn’t notice, they all require you to be responsible too. If you work hard, you will pass this along to your kids most of the time. Discipline coupled with sensitivity and love is also absolutely essential. Do not give your teen everything, even if you can afford to do so. As a side-bonus, the more they earn things, the better their self-esteem will be. You know your child best of anyone so figure out ways that work with their personality. Some kids respond really well when they’re paid for As and Bs, and for others this really isn’t a good idea. Teaching responsibility isn’t one size fits all, but it is a must for all.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Nov 17, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Getting along better with teenagers
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Last week in my counseling office, a parent asked me, “How do I get along better with my kid?” I thought this would be a good topic for the blog.
Of course there are a myriad of reasons why adolescents and parents argue. I’ve heard the gamut of explanations ranging from hormones to how awful the teen’s friends are. A teen often suggests is that it is the parents. Truthfully, there are always a number of factors contributing to disruption in the parent-child relationship so I don’t want you to read this and feel blamed if you are mom or dad. Disclaimer aside, how might you be contributing to the problem?
Parents, might you be overly critical? You give your child a compliment, but follow it with a criticism. For example, “Kaylee, you look nice today, even if that skirt is a little short.” How often are you doing this to your child? Maybe you’re not saying it, but it’s in your actions. For example, “John, thank you for cleaning up the kitchen so well. You did a great job,” as you’re quickly giving the counter a wipe to get the excess crumbs.
Sometimes, we get so focused on helping our kids fix what isn’t going right that we forget to tell them the things they do well. For example, your son brings home a report card with all As and Bs, but there is one C. You feel very upset about the C because you know he could’ve earned at least a B in that class. Your teenager senses your disappointment and then takes a defensive attitude. Really though, he did well in 5 other classes and that needs to count for something.
So, if you’ve identified the ways you are too critical, what do you do now? How can you give your child loving correction without accidentally demeaning them? Just ask yourself how you’d want to receive correction if you were your child. How would you best learn what is being taught? Don’t forget that you are teaching your teenager how to function as an adult, and the individual situation is often less important than the overall big picture. If you are the dad who is always criticizing the way your kid plays sports, remember the point of sports is to learn how to focus, give your best, keep a good attitude on the field, and respect authority. The point is not to create the next Kobe Bryant; athletes of that caliber have a passion all their own and their parents did not have to force it.
Start serving your child more. This is likely a shock because those of us with children know we are serving our child all day long. We are driving carpool, writing a check for a yearbook, helping to fundraise for the softball team, etc. When I say to serve your child, I am meaning in a more intimate and loving way. One example I can think of comes from a former 15 year old client. One time in session she told me how much she respects and listens to her mom’s opinion. Since this is unusual for a 15 year old, I asked her what her mom does that makes her want to listen. My client told me that her mom is always being thoughtful. She said after track practice her mom picks her up with a plate of chilled salad sitting on the front seat because she knows my client will be both hot and hungry. She knows my client cares about healthy eating and that this kind of snack will help my client avoid eating junk before dinner. This mother is truly serving and considering her daughter. As a result, her daughter feels more inclined to respect her mom’s opinions and beliefs.
So, this week, maybe try two things if you want to get along better with your teenager. Firstly, pay attention to your critical comments. Find a kinder, more empathetic way to say them. Secondly, look for opportunities to serve that are a little above and beyond. It might not work the first time you do it, but if you stick with it for a little while you will hopefully see some changes.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman
by Lauren Goodman | Nov 3, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Spending good quality time with your daughter or son can be fun!
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My blog usually discusses topics that are difficult. Normally I’m writing to you about things that might be going wrong between you and your teenagers such as arguing, lying, cutting, suicidal thoughts, etc. We’re always talking about the darker parts of raising teens.
While the challenges you face are extremely important to consider, sometimes it’s nice to think about how to keep things on the good track too.
Today we’re going to discuss one of the tools I’ve seen be most effective in healing relationships between teenagers and their parents: the daddy-daughter or mommy-son date.
You’re well aware of how important it is to spend quality time with your children. You even know already that to spend alone time with each child has huge benefits to your adolescent’s development. What you might not have known is that this special time together can be something that teaches your teenager multiple lessons in a loving, indirect manner.
First let’s address the daddy-daughter date. Dads, when you take your daughter out, make it special. You don’t need to spend a lot of money, but be thoughtful. Take her to do something she wants to do. If you know there’s a certain movie she’d like to see, or a certain place she loves to hike, take her there. It’s nice to show her things you’re interested in, but this is about you teaching her to feel confident in her preferences. When you leave the house, tell her she looks pretty, and open the car door for her. She will learn how men should treat her from how you treat her. She will learn her self-value from how you prioritize these dates in your life. If you tell her you’ll take her the first Friday of each month, it’s extremely important to follow-through.
For moms: Your date goes a little bit differently. This is your chance to teach your sons how to respect women, and how to treat them kindly. I worked with a mom who would give her son $20 or $30 and then tell him to plan a date for them. She was able to teach him something about budgeting, planning, and being thoughtful as well as teach him all the rules of chivalry.
For both mom and dad: When you take your kids on a date, keep the conversation positive. This is not the time to talk to them about how disappointed you are in their chemistry grade. They should look forward to these times with you. If you treat them the same as every other day, they may dread this instead of look forward to it. This needs to be a time of safe, critical-free conversation.
Spend some time with your teenager and have fun! Teenagers are really humorous, but they can also talk on a deep level. They still need you and crave relationship with you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 19, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
When you’re teen starts driving make sure there are clear rules.
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How did it happen so fast? How is your teenager already getting their learner’s permit, or ready to get their driver’s license. This is a scary, exciting time for parents. For your teen it’s a rite of passage.
As parents we worry about all the usual things: Is my teenager going to get into an accident? Do I need to be concerned that they will drive after drinking? Is my teenager going to get a ticket? What happens to my insurance when they start driving? What if they drive all their friends when they’re supposed to wait a year?
As a counselor who works with teenagers, I have seen parents handle driving in many different ways. The most common way I’ve seen parents handle teen drivers is to buy them a car without restrictions and then let them drive. The teenager may or may not be responsible for gas and insurance. There is really no discussion about responsibility and expectations. I don’t think this is a good way to go about something as important as driving a car, but it’s what the majority of parents do.
I’ve seen other parents lay out the ground rules ahead of time. There is a lot of discussion, with the teenager’s input, into how driving will be handled in the family. Some teens are told a few years in advance that they are responsible to pay for a portion of their car. They are encouraged to start working and saving. These teens tend to get less tickets, keep their car cleaner, and care more about the responsibility of driving in general because they put in a lot of hours at low pay to earn the right to drive. Other teens are told they can use the “third family car” as long as it is kept clean, grades stay up, they pay for gas and don’t get tickets or accidents. A third thing I’ve heard of, but never known parents to do, is require the teenager to put down a “deposit” with mom and dad for the amount of the insurance deductible in case of an accident. They get the money back when they are off mom and dad’s insurance plan. I actually really like this one, and am thinking of using it with my daughter when she starts driving.
The main point is that driving is a HUGE change in your teenager’s life. They gain a lot of independence and autonomy. It’s absolutely wonderful for the adolescents who are ready for it. It can be tragic for those who don’t respect that driving comes with a lot of responsibility and is potentially dangerous. Knowing your child as you do, think very carefully about how you want to deal with driving. Every teenager, and I mean EVERY teenager, has areas where they need some personal growth. Driving is an opportunity to encourage that growth. If your child is irresponsible with money you can use driving to teach them budgeting and wise spending. If your child is reckless with his or her belongings, you can use the car to teach them to take care of their things.
Driving is a wonderful opportunity for parenting. It’s a chance for your teenager to show you how responsible they’ve become. It’s nice for your teen to have independence, and it’s nice for you not to be driving all over the place. When handled with care, your teenager starting to drive can be great for the whole family.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 2, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
If you engage the argument with your teen, you’re just going to get more of it.
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Your teenager has a smart mouth, and you’re a little sick of it. You don’t know how much more you can take if they keep talking back to you when you ask them to do something. It’s plain rude and it’s really frustrating. You don’t understand why you are the recipient of the nasty tone when you see them be perfectly nice and respectful to other adults. What do you do?
One really important step to take is to check yourself. Are you rude to them? Do you get defensive easily? Do you engage their arguing and get just as nasty? Those things won’t help. However, I know how incredibly hard it is not to get baited into an argument. It’s almost impossible actually.
That is the next step though; do not get baited into the discussion. At first just fail to respond when your teen has a rude tone with you. They will probably comment on this. You might make eye contact and then just walk away. If you think you can say it evenly and calmly, you can gently tell them they are not speaking in a very nice tone and then walk away. The main point is that you don’t want to escalate the situation. Keep in mind once your teen gets into talking back mode, they’re not listening anyhow so getting louder won’t really make the point you’re trying to make.
Gently and quietly administer a consequence for their being rude to you. This has to be done in such a way that they realize if they continue things will just get worse for them. One time as a teenager I flipped my mom off in a conversation. She very calmly told my my friends could no longer spend the night that night (it was a Friday), but instead had to leave by 9pm. I protested loudly and rudely. She told me that because I was continuing to be disrespectful they could now only come over until 7pm. I tried one more time and she just said, “6:00.” That was it. I got quiet. I tried to apologize a little later and she said she accepted my apology, but the friends still had to leave at 6. She said she looked forward to Saturday night when I’d have the opportunity to try again. She really only had to do things like this a few times before I knew I shouldn’t speak to her disrespectfully or I would lose things that mattered to me, quickly.
On the other hand, my dad was always willing to negotiate with my sister and me. As a result, he got a lot more sass than my mom every did. He would sometimes give into our whining and begging, which actually rewarded our bad behavior. He would sometimes get worn out if we argued with him and then give in. We knew this and so we pushed. We talked back to him a lot. My mom used to tell him not to negotiate, but I don’t think he knew how to just be calm, yet firm.
If you can quietly stand your ground, not engage when your teen is rude, set a limit and maybe continue to restrict if they carry on, you will probably make some headway on the talking back. I know these techniques are easier said than done, but you can do it! It will make your relationship with your teenager a lot more enjoyable.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Sep 20, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Teens struggle when their divorced parents don’t get along.
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This has come up a lot recently in the therapy office, so I thought I might address it here:
Lately I have worked with several teenagers whose parents are divorced, and their parents are not on good terms. The teenagers really lose in this situation. They find themselves triangulated between their parents. They have to play both sides a little bit to avoid things getting worse. It is extremely stressful for some of them, and others choose not to cope with it at all.
The teens who feel a lot of stress and anxiety because of their parents disliking one another are the ones who really wish everyone would get along. It hurts them to hear how one parent is irresponsible or not paying child support on time, etc. They tend to be powerless to resolve any of the argument, and yet are expected to listen to it. Every action a parent takes is interpreted negatively by the other parent. If dad begins to date again, mom tells the child it is because he doesn’t love his original family enough. If mom goes on a trip with friends, dad tells the kids she is being selfish with her time and her money. When the teenager wants to have money for a trip, one parent will say the other parent is the one responsible to pay for it. When the other parent doesn’t pay they are made to look like they don’t care about the child (All these listed situations have come up in the last two weeks, by the way).
Teens who wish their family would get along end up holding a lot inside because they don’t want to upset the precarious balance in their families. They are constantly maneuvering to try and keep the peace. They omit information, tell small lies, and agree just to placate each parent. They excuse a lot of bad behavior and internalize hurt feelings because they wind up believing they have to protect their parents from one another. This is a role reversal from the natural order of things in life where parents are supposed to protect their kids.
Other teenagers refuse to cope with parents who don’t get along. I see them do this in two ways. One is that the teen acts out. They create enough of a problem in their own life that their parents are forced to band together to address the teenager’s issue. They might get into drugs, be promiscuous, do poorly in school, go through a major depression, etc. It really can be anything that’s effective at getting mom and dad to be amicable towards one another. Their struggle is then rewarded because their parents usually care enough about the teen to stop hating one another for the time it takes to get through the struggle. Sometimes the teenager’s issue goes away all by itself once the parents resolve to get along with each other.
The second way adolescents cope with divorced parents who argue is to simply not cope with it at all. They decide they cannot handle being in the middle and refuse to see one of the parents. They stay at one house and get along with one parent. This might look like choosing sides in the divorce, and maybe that is a piece of it, but it is often also related to a strong dislike of being in the middle.
If you and your spouse are divorced, try as hard as you can to be amicable. I realize that one or both of you hurt the other deeply. I know that things were probably said and/or done that are unforgivable. I know you worry about the influence your ex will have on the children. This is an extremely difficult situation no matter what way you look at it. Keep in mind that in most cases (typically only barring abuse and addiction) it is positive for your kids to have a good relationship with both parents.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
