Work Together As Parents
Yes therapists can be hypocrites. Here’s my admission of guilt and my hope that you don’t repeat my mistake:
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Catch Your Teen Being Good
Catch your kid being good in order to improve the relationship.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
When I was an intern my supervisor used to tell me one of her favorite pieces of advice to give parents was to, “Catch your kid being good.” She’d say that so often by the time a parent brings their child into counseling, they are at their wits end with their child. She’d say exasperated parents make impatient parents; impatient parents make parents who are overly focused on the negative; parents who are overly focused on the negative make critical parents; critical parents make irritable children.
I see this in my counseling office on a pretty regular basis. It’s not that the parents who are coming in are bad parents, or are unloving to their teenagers. Most of the time they love their teens tremendously, but are just overwhelmed with how to help them stay on track. Some resort to the tactic of trying to correct things as they see them. This is fine when the relationship is in a good place. However, if the relationship is strained then it doesn’t tend to work very well.
If you are wondering whether you might be in this cycle with your adolescent, try something different for a week and see if it helps. As my former supervisor, Leslie Gustafson used to say, “Catch your kid being good.”
What does that mean? We are quick to comment on, and punish our kids for doing bad. If they score a low grade on a test, tell a lie, sneak, sass, etc., we feel we must do something about it. When our kids are respectful, do their chores on time, are honest, etc. we think that should be status quo. We tend to say nothing much about it because we think that’s how it should be anyway. We save the praise for A’s on tests, going above and beyond around the house, or when our kids randomly show us extra appreciation.
For this week, try making affirming comments when you see your child just doing the status quo. When you notice your teenager doing anything small that is the “right” thing to do, praise them. Maybe you came home from work and noticed they had started their homework on their own. Instead of saying, “See, isn’t it easier when you start your homework early?” which comes across as a little condescending, say, “That’s awesome that you take initiative to get your work done!” If your teenager clears their dish after dinner, thank them. Try to resist the urge to then remind them they also need to wipe down the table.
You have the power to change the interaction with your teenager, and the power to influence their attitude. All it takes is a few words of praise when they are doing the small things right. You will be kinder to them because chances are, there are parts of them that are a really good kid. There’s also a good chance they will enjoy the praise, and want to keep doing that thing you commented on in order to get more praise from you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Should I Let My Teenager Struggle? When to Intervene
Raising happy, healthy adults can mean letting our teens “skin their knees.”
Image credit: stockimages at freedigitalphotos.net
About a month ago my elementary aged daughter kept forgetting to bring home her homework. At first I drove her back to school. I told her comforting things like, “No worries. Everyone makes mistakes.” Then it became a pattern. I started to struggle with the question every parent faces, which is ‘When do I let my kid experience failure and when do I rescue?’ Finally I told her that starting the following week she’d have to just live with the consequences. Interestingly she hasn’t forgotten her homework folder since then.
I’m guessing if you’re reading this, your child is older and you are facing some situation where you have to decide how to best help. Is this a time where you let your teenager cope with their sadness/anger/stress/frustration? Is this a situation where you step in because it is simply too much for a teenager to handle on their own? These are two of the toughest questions we face as parents.
I have worked with a number of teens whose parents have always intervened for them. I bet you can guess the result. These teenagers are indecisive and scared of the world. They do not know how to deal with anything uncomfortable. If there is a class that is too difficult, their parents have called the school counselor to help them switch out. If there is a job they don’t like, their parents have let them quit. Unfortunately these teenagers have been taught they are completely unable to cope with discomfort. Until they learn otherwise, they will have a very challenging adulthood.
On the other hand, there are parents that force their kids to stick through absolutely everything. There is a time when it is appropriate to quit. This refers to unhealthy dating relationships, unhealthy friendships, making a wrong choice and stopping the course, etc. It’s not that parents ask their kids to continue these particular activities, but their kids have internalized the idea that it is never okay to quit anything. These kids have to learn when to just let something go, which is often a challenge for them.
So, as a mom or dad, how do you deal with this dilemma? As carefully as you can, you try and guide your children. It’s important to always keep the big picture in mind. What do I want my teenager to learn from this situation? The big goal is to raise healthy, functional adults. As a parent, what do I do in this scenario that helps my teen reach the big goal? This is more important than them feeling good about something right now. Do I call my kid out of school today because they aren’t ready for that math test, or do I let them get a failing grade because the painful lesson will make them more responsible in the future? Every choice has its consequences.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Firm and Compassionate Parenting
Parenting is a roller coaster for all of us. Last night my usually level-headed, even-keeled daughter lost her mind because I asked her not to use her brother’s art supplies. This was incredibly uncharacteristic, but hey, we all have off moments. She was asked to go “take a break” for 30 minutes in her room. I didn’t want to give her a negative consequence because this outburst was so unlike her that I figured she could reset if she could calm down for a bit.
Instead of hearing this as a chance to regroup, she became more angry and started yelling at me. At that point I was forced to inform her she’d have to go to bed even though it was an hour early. She cried, begged, and pleaded for this not to be the case.
As a therapist I was keenly aware of how crucial this moment was in parenting her. If I chose to give in to her sincere apologies and entreaties to roll back her consequence, then I’d teach her she can negotiate with me. If I chose to repeatedly remind her, “This is all your fault,” then I’d be callous and harsh. My husband and I instead chose to hold the line of her consequence while showing her immense compassion. We understand that compassion doesn’t equal soft boundaries. We held her through her tears and talked to her, but still put her to bed. She was still a bit weepy when we kissed her good-night. We reminded her she is deeply loved and tomorrow is a fresh start. However, we did not give in to her desire for a reduced consequence. She felt our love but also understood our line.
I realize this isn’t easy to do. It requires a cool head. You can’t profess some unreasonable consequence in your anger because you’ll almost certainly be required to roll it back later. Or, if you stick to it, you’ll be strongly tempted to put all the responsibility on your teenager in order to justify your own overreaction. Even though my husband and I did it well last night, we are far from perfect in this arena. It’s still a work in progress, and probably always will be.
Here I share a few more thoughts on being both firm and compassionate; I hope it helps:
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Tips for Keeping Teens Safe This Halloween
Keep your teens safe on Halloween with these ideas. Image courtesy of samarttiw at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Halloween is on a Thursday. This is an “uh-oh” for a lot of parents of teenagers. Many of you have teens who are going to help you pass out candy, or just have a couple of friends over to watch horror movies. That’s awesome! Those sound like really healthy, safe ways to celebrate Halloween.
However, some of you have to worry about what your teenager will be doing and who they will be with. Will they be drinking? Will they be making-out with random people? Will they be pulling pranks that might get them into trouble? Will they be trying some weird drug at a Halloween party?
Here are 5 tips to help keep your teenagers safe this Halloween:
1. Don’t let them wear a costume if you don’t approve. This is especially important for teenage girls. They are at an age where they are almost expected to wear a costume that shows way too much skin. Don’t let your teen out the door dressed as a promiscuous nurse, or provocative version of some comic book character. You get the idea. Halloween is a night where inappropriate dress is often accepted; you don’t have to join the crowd and just look the other way. You can help your teenager dress up in a way where they look cute, but don’t attract the leering eye of every person they walk past.
2. Check your teenager’s backpack. Don’t let them leave your house with a backpack unless you know EXACTLY what’s in there. Open bottles and smell them. Even the best-behaved teenagers consider drinking on Halloween. Since Halloween is on a Thursday night (so almost the weekend) the probability that they actually will drink doubles. Your teenager might have a bottle of what looks like Gatorade, but it may be mixed with vodka. I’m not saying you can’t trust your kid, but you just never know. I have seen a great number of teens brought into my office because their very surprised parents caught them drinking or smoking, etc.
3. Know where your teenager is going, who is driving them, and what the contingency plan is. If there’s one constant with adolescents it’s that their plans change. Make sure you and your teenager have gone over exactly what you want them to do if plans change, and how they will get there. Make sure they communicate with you regularly throughout the night. If you don’t hear from them at an appointed check-in time, let them know in advance what their consequence will be (The most logical one being that you go pick them up right away).
4. Have the party at your house. If you allow your teenager to have a bunch of their friends over then you can control their environment. You can make sure there’s no alcohol, no making out in random bedrooms, no smoking, and no party-crashers. You can be certain everyone has a safe ride home at the end of the night. You get the comfort of knowing your teen is in their own bed at the end of the evening. The downside to this is that you probably won’t get to bed when you want to, and there will likely be a mess to clean on Friday morning. However, those might be prices you’re willing to pay to know your child is safe.
5. Let them trick-or-treat. A lot of parents have a cap on the age a teenager can trick-or-treat. I really do understand this. Overall though walking from house to house where there are a lot of small children and parents around is a pretty safe activity. Maybe it’s a little tacky to let your seventeen year old collect a pillowcase-full of candy, but would you rather have them doing that or at an unsupervised Halloween party? Invite them and their trick-or-treating buddies back to your house afterward for scary movies and a pizza.
The basic ideas of keeping your teenager safe on Halloween is that they are in a supervised environment, and you know exactly where they are. You are in close contact and there is a plan in place. Definitely let them go and have fun with their friends. Just remind them this is a chance to earn more trust and freedom from you if they handle this holiday with maturity.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Why Adolescents Need Rules (if they’re the right kind)
Love your teens with grace, affection and rules.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Parents, there are some of you who give your teenagers rules and consequences, but are very fair about it. Bravo! Keep it up.
There are some of you who have completely rigid rules for your teenagers. You are grounding them all the time, and your adolescent can’t even remember the last time you had fun together.
There are still others of you who really want to be “cool” moms and dads. You’re the parents who let your teenagers have parties at your house and you just stay upstairs. You know it isn’t right, but you just don’t feel comfortable setting limits with your teenager.
This post is geared toward overly strict and overly permissive parenting styles. If you’re overly strict, there’s a decent chance your teenager feels criticized at every turn. They really don’t know how to please you. On the other hand, if you’re letting them do whatever they want, consider who will teach them about life. Since it isn’t you, they’re going to learn it from their peers. This means other teenagers are raising your teenager.
Setting limits for children is an essential part of helping them feel loved. When they are two years old you might let them run around on the driveway, but you stop them from going into the street. As they get older, they get more and more room. By the time they are teens, they ideally are allowed a lot of say in their activities. However, when they might metaphorically run into the street, you still stop them.
Here’s an example. It’s great for teens to date. Just as small children “pretend” to do adult activities, such as play house, teens “play” at adult romantic relationships. They are learning! It’s really good for them to do this while they still live in your house and you can guide them. However, if you see them heading into something that is beyond their ability to manage, you stop them. Here’s an example of what I mean: even though it’s a good idea for teens to date, it’s not a good idea for teens to have sex. Any teen will tell you the physical risks that come with sex such as pregnancy and disease. What they can’t articulate is the emotional risks that come with sex. You, as an adult who has had sex, do understand the emotional risks associated with being sexually active with someone. You understand the connection that occurs, and the emotional pain that comes if that bond is broken.
An overly strict parent will not allow their teen to even date at all because they don’t want their adolescent child anywhere near sex. An overly permissive parent not only looks the other way if their child becomes sexually active, they might even allow the teenager’s partner to spend the night at their house. A parent who teaches their child how to date without allowing their child to be sexually active is one who is allowing their teenager to explore who they are becoming, while lovingly placing protective limits on their teenager’s behavior.
Teen dating and sexuality is just one example. The real point is to help you understand where to set limits on everything your teenager does. Allow them a bigger area to roam as they earn your trust, and as they can handle it. Don’t be so strict that while you protect them from any failures, they are not learning how to live life. Don’t be so permissive that while they might like you better, they are exposed to things beyond their adolescent years. Find the middle ground that keeps you in charge as the parent but lets your child develop; this is loving your teenager well.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Philosophy
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
For Teens
Online Therapy
