by Lauren Goodman | Feb 10, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Being too busy is overwhelming and causes anxiety.
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What do you do if your teenager seems generally overwhelmed?
These days the pressures on many high school students are off the charts. The honors students are expected to maintain above a 4.0 GPA, a job, a sport and a social life. They are told in order to get into college they will need incredible grades and SAT scores as well as a slew of extra-cirricular activities. First of all, weighting a GPA on something beyond a four-point scale is a lot of pressure; you’re child might have straight-A’s and still not feel good about it because they only have one AP class. I’ve heard some high school students tell me, “I’m not getting very good grades,” and they have a 3.6 GPA!
On top of all this most of the teenagers have phones with more capabilities than computers did five years ago. They are constantly texting, emailing and posting on Facebook or Instagram. While it is nice to stay in contact with friends, this is more noise in their lives. More noise means more stress.
It is important to help your teenager understand the benefits of taking a day a week to be phone, homework, job, sports and stress-free. Teach your teen how to enjoy reading a book or walking the dog. Teach them the benefit of slowing down. If all you teach them is to hurry up and get ahead they will never learn satisfaction with what they have. As a result, they will always feel overwhelmed and like they’re underperforming.
If you want your teen to stop feeling so overwhelmed then you have to model what is important in life. Get your priorities in order, which has to include time for fun and rest. This will greatly impact your children in a positive manner by setting a good example. Besides that, you will spend more quality time with them. There is nothing better for a teen than that (even if they protest).
If you’ve gone “offline” recently, you know it is hard at first. The first few hours, and maybe even the first few days feel like something is missing. Being aware of this feeling will help you relate to your teenager when you tell them to go offline too. They will feel disconnected and a little bit disoriented. It’s not going to help if you tell them that you never had a cell phone growing up and you were fine. Things WERE different back then. Nowadays teenagers mostly make their plans through Snapchat, group chats and anything else to do with their personal phones. When you have your teenager take a day off, they will be missing out. It’s your job to help them understand it’s good for us to “miss out” sometimes.
Try not to overbook your child. Our Southern California culture teaches teens to be extremely busy and involved. While there is value in accomplishing things, there is also value in learning to be content and peaceful. Keep yourself fresh and keep your children fresh- don’t have them doing 20 things that may or may not actually benefit them. Keep perspective on when their grades are good enough. Teach your children how to be content without being complacent.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Feb 1, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Teenagers worry about how they will measure up.
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You might wonder what your teenager is worried about these days. Of course it varies, but I’ll give you the run-down of the things I hear most often in my office when I’m doing therapy with teenagers.
1. Do my parents approve of what I’m doing? Your kid is concerned with what you think of them. They may act as though they couldn’t care less, but that’s not actually true.
2. What do my friends think of me? Adolescents are consumed with concerns about being liked and being accepted. While we know how little that will matter in the long run, their world begins and ends with Friday night. It’s difficult for them to see that being popular isn’t the end all be all.
3. How will I survive my schoolwork? The specific concern about this varies from teen to teen. Some worry about just passing a class. Others worry about getting everything done. Most of them do spend at least some amount of time telling me they are worried about how they will do in school.
4. Is my family okay? This is one of the most common concerns I hear about. Teenagers whose parents aren’t getting along, whose parents express concerns over money or a job, whose parents talk about an illness, etc., worry. Adolescents may act like you’re not their main concern, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. They worry about siblings and grandparents. They love their family. You give them security. If they sense you aren’t doing well, they feel unsettled.
5. Do I have a future? Teenagers get existential angst. We have told them their whole life how the world is their oyster. Consequently they have spent a lifetime knowing they have a zillion choices of how to spend their life. When it comes time to pick just one it feels very frightening. Closing the door on all the others is closing the door on many other things they’ve thought about doing. They also have to wrestle with how to overcome the challenges of “becoming” the thing they choose. For example, if they decide to be a doctor they have calculus, organic chemistry, microbiology, physiology and other very difficult classes to get high grades in…and then they have medical school.
Your teenager has A LOT to think about. We put tons of pressure on them to be successful. This isn’t a bad thing. We want them to know what they are capable of. But, as with all things, there are two sides to this. The first is that they have a better chance of doing well if they know what’s available. The second is that they worry about what you think, if you’re okay and if they measure up. They worry about measuring up with their peers too. Adolescence is a tough time in life when it comes to managing lots of pressure.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jan 13, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
School causes so much anxiety for some teens.
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School causes a lot of anxiety. There seem to be two areas where this is most true: socially and with grades. For some teenagers school is so overwhelming that they can hardly handle it. Towards the end of every vacation they start to feel intensely stressed and irritable. It becomes difficult for your teen to remember they are at school to learn; they begin to think school is a place where they will be socially and academically scrutinized. What follows are 10 tips that help reduce some of the nervous feelings.
1. Study regularly over the course of the whole week before an exam. Cramming causes more exhaustion and anxiety.
2. Do not lose perspective, pray instead. Just because someone says something rude about you does not make it true. It also does not mean everyone else will believe it is true. What God and your family think of you matter much, much more.
3. Remember to breathe. It is very helpful to take deep breaths when taking a test, or at any time when feeling anxiety.
4. Talk to someone. Letting a friend know when you don’t feel your best can sincerely give you relief.
5. Choose wisely. Your friends have a lot to do with how you feel. Unlike your family, you can choose your friends.
6. Get to know your teachers. If you take the time to talk to them a little bit you will feel better in their classes.
7. Watch the caffeine intake. Drinking soda or coffee contributes a lot to feelings of nervousness. It is better to get a little exercise. That wakes you up too.
8. Stretch. If you are standing in the halls between classes lean back and stretch a little. This usually feels good and is almost always calming.
9. Smile. If you struggle socially it is very likely you keep your head down and forget to smile. Just by walking around with a smile more people will talk with you.
10. Get enough sleep. If you are not sleeping enough then it is a big challenge to maintain your poise when you need it. You probably have to get up early for school so just go to bed sooner.
If you remember to employ these techniques you will feel a little better on your bad days.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Dec 5, 2016 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Teens need your input when they start dating.
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It’s bound to happen eventually. Your son or daughter has a boy/girlfriend. You’re happy for them, but you feel trepidation too. What does it mean for them to have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Answer: It really depends.
Some dating relationships are more like a special friendship. It’s someone your adolescent texts more often than other friends. They might sit near each other at lunch, and they have an automatic date to dances. It’s pretty innocent. This kind of dating is every parent’s dream!
For some teenagers having a boyfriend or girlfriend means becoming sexually active. The best predictor of this is how their friends behave. If you know your teenager’s friends “hook-up” [For teens these days this term implies anything ranging from kissing to having intercourse] with people at parties, and those that are in stable relationships are having sex, then your adolescent probably thinks that’s what’s expected of him or her too. It is really difficult for teens to go against the grain of their friends, even in something that should be a personal decision.
I’ve been counseling teenagers now for a little over ten years. The collective experience of Teen Therapy OC counselors is 28 years. One thing we all readily agree on is that less is more when it comes to teen dating. We feel convinced that once teenagers become sexually active with a boyfriend or girlfriend the relationship moves to an intensity an adolescent is rarely mature enough to handle. We also believe adolescent relationships that include a lot of time with friends tend to keep teens happier. In other words, if your teenager no longer spends time with his or her friend group, it’s a red flag that things are too serious.
Parents, be careful not to lose your authority when your teen is dating. You’re still older, wiser and in charge. Your job isn’t to be liked, but to guide and protect. The more you embrace the person your teen is dating, the less your teenager has to be sneaky. However, some basic rules can really help the situation:
- Don’t let your teenager be in his or her bedroom with their boy/girlfriend, even with the door open. They should be out in the family room.
- Hands out when they are sharing a blanket on the couch.
- Make sure their boyfriend/girlfriend always comes to the door if they are taking your teenager out. YOU should be answering the door, not your adolescent.
- Include your teenager’s boy/girlfriend in your family activities sometimes. You want to make sure you have a lot of conversations with this person too. For a time they will be a big influence on your child’s character, so let’s know the person with the influence.
- Always take your child’s side. Some parents aren’t supportive of their own teenager when there is an argument. This is hurtful to your child. If his or her behavior was wrong, it’s still best to tell your teen you’ll be here for him or her even though he/she messed up.
- Monitor the conversations occurring on text, Snapchat and Instagram. These conversations can become too intense; it has become commonplace for one teen to ask another for naked photos. While we know that’s wildly inappropriate, teens are used to it. They aren’t even appalled by the question!
You’re navigating new waters as a parent. It wasn’t too many years ago that you were an adolescent enjoying the attention of your first boy/girlfriend. You were hoping for opportunities to be alone with that person, and trying to balance what you were comfortable with and where to draw the line. If you were anything like me, you didn’t actually have the maturity to do this, and made some mistakes you’d take back if you could. Your child doesn’t have the maturity yet either. Though he/she might look like a young adult, an adolescent brain is still forming. Your teenager needs your input as he/she dates!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 28, 2016 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Texting is a sure way to make homework take forever.
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As a counselor for teens I hear about things that really drive teenagers crazy. One thing I hear repeatedly is that at the high school level they are given unbearable amounts of homework. I am told parents cannot understand because things were different when they were in high school.
In some cases this is true- teenagers are given an incredible amount of homework. However, usually the problem is more one of time management. The adolescents who truly have nearly unmanageable volumes of homework are the ones who sign up for as many AP classes as possible. These are kids with goals to attend really good universities, and probably with an academic scholarship. There’s nothing wrong with this if it’s the teenager who is driving it. However, if parents are the ones pushing until their teen is completely buried in work it’s worth taking a look at the whole situation. It’s worth evaluating whether this much work is at the expense of the teenager’s social and spiritual development. It’s worthwhile to ask how important pushing them this hard really is. Maybe the answer is a good one, and they should keep being pushed…but maybe not…
Now, for the rest of you teens. I have sat with many of you who have told me you have way too much homework. I do realize you don’t enjoy it, and it’s definitely not what you feel like doing after school or on your weekends. I don’t blame you one bit for feeling this way; it’s not fun!
The thing is, for a lot of you, it really doesn’t have to take that long. Are you doing your homework with your cell phone next to you? Do you have multiple internet tabs open while you’re working on your laptop? Is the TV on in the background? It’s really tempting to use electronics while you do your homework (In fact, for many of your assignments you need electronics). If you eliminate distractions you can definitely finish faster. A lot of you can finish a 40 problem math test in an hour in class, but at home those same 40 problems would take you 2 hours. You just might be losing time to texts, apps, the internet and the TV.
I encourage you to work on your homework distraction free. I think you could probably finish it in two hours most nights. If you came home and did it right away, you could be free by 5:30pm every night! You may not even have homework to do all Sunday afternoon. How amazing would that be?!?!
Teens, get your lives back! You already spend a lot of time at school every week. Don’t spend all your time at home with your textbooks open, while you halfheartedly get your work done. Work when you work and play when you play.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 20, 2016 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Being an introvert is perfectly fine and normal.
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As a therapist who works with teens I get a wide array of calls. These can range anywhere from concerns over a teen using drugs, to worries about grades dropping, to an adolescent asking mom or dad for help, but not telling them why. One thing that parents sometimes bring up about their child, and teenagers often bring up about themselves, is a fear they aren’t social enough.
We live in a society that truly glorifies the person who has a lot of friends, and gets together with people in all their free time. We admire a really popular, social extrovert. We’re in awe of the person who can talk to anyone in a room. We wish we didn’t have feelings of social awkwardness. We imagine how much better our lives could be if we were an extroverted, life-of-the-party fun person.
If you imagine this about yourself, your teenager imagines it even more. When they’re at school they notice who looks happy and who doesn’t. Usually this is gauged by who is laughing, smiling and at ease around a good sized group of other teens.
There are many of us who don’t feel at ease in large groups though, and enjoy ourselves in quieter, smaller settings. I should know, I am one of these people! Because of this I feel it is really important to speak out on behalf of you teenagers who are naturally introverted.
How do you know you’re an introvert? You may be okay with a lot of people and excitement…for a few hours…but then you need some quiet alone time to regroup. You get your energy from being by yourself, or with a few close friends. Extroverts are often bored when they’re alone, feel restless, and are energized by large groups of rowdy people; that’s your nightmare.
I have good news for those of you who are introverted. There’s nothing wrong with you! It’s completely fine to be someone who needs down time. You live in a culture that is always on the go, values busyness, and thinks constant socializing is what it’s all about. However, that is simply untrue. Half of us out there need time to slow down, process what’s going on in our lives, think quietly, and just be alone for a few minutes (or hours). There’s also nothing wrong with your peers who want to constantly socialize. Being an extrovert isn’t bad either. These are simply characteristics, like the color of your skin, eyes or hair. You aren’t wrong for the way God made you.
If you’re a mom or a dad who is reading this, and this describes your teenager, then I hope you feel relief. It’s another story if your teen is desperate to socialize more, but can’t because of anxiety, depression, or something else that’s going on. That means they are really uncomfortable with themselves, and that’s a great time to seek out help. However, if you’re just worried about the fact that your adolescent would rather spend Friday night reading a book or watching a movie at home than being out partying, but they seem fine in every other respect, stop worrying- that’s just who they are.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
