You know that feeling you have the night before a school week? I get that feeling too. I think I’ve got the trick to get past it and hopefully it will help you too!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Keep your teens safe on Halloween with these ideas. Image courtesy of samarttiw at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Halloween is on a Thursday. This is an “uh-oh” for a lot of parents of teenagers. Many of you have teens who are going to help you pass out candy, or just have a couple of friends over to watch horror movies. That’s awesome! Those sound like really healthy, safe ways to celebrate Halloween.
However, some of you have to worry about what your teenager will be doing and who they will be with. Will they be drinking? Will they be making-out with random people? Will they be pulling pranks that might get them into trouble? Will they be trying some weird drug at a Halloween party?
Here are 5 tips to help keep your teenagers safe this Halloween:
1. Don’t let them wear a costume if you don’t approve. This is especially important for teenage girls. They are at an age where they are almost expected to wear a costume that shows way too much skin. Don’t let your teen out the door dressed as a promiscuous nurse, or provocative version of some comic book character. You get the idea. Halloween is a night where inappropriate dress is often accepted; you don’t have to join the crowd and just look the other way. You can help your teenager dress up in a way where they look cute, but don’t attract the leering eye of every person they walk past.
2. Check your teenager’s backpack. Don’t let them leave your house with a backpack unless you know EXACTLY what’s in there. Open bottles and smell them. Even the best-behaved teenagers consider drinking on Halloween. Since Halloween is on a Thursday night (so almost the weekend) the probability that they actually will drink doubles. Your teenager might have a bottle of what looks like Gatorade, but it may be mixed with vodka. I’m not saying you can’t trust your kid, but you just never know. I have seen a great number of teens brought into my office because their very surprised parents caught them drinking or smoking, etc.
3. Know where your teenager is going, who is driving them, and what the contingency plan is. If there’s one constant with adolescents it’s that their plans change. Make sure you and your teenager have gone over exactly what you want them to do if plans change, and how they will get there. Make sure they communicate with you regularly throughout the night. If you don’t hear from them at an appointed check-in time, let them know in advance what their consequence will be (The most logical one being that you go pick them up right away).
4. Have the party at your house. If you allow your teenager to have a bunch of their friends over then you can control their environment. You can make sure there’s no alcohol, no making out in random bedrooms, no smoking, and no party-crashers. You can be certain everyone has a safe ride home at the end of the night. You get the comfort of knowing your teen is in their own bed at the end of the evening. The downside to this is that you probably won’t get to bed when you want to, and there will likely be a mess to clean on Friday morning. However, those might be prices you’re willing to pay to know your child is safe.
5. Let them trick-or-treat. A lot of parents have a cap on the age a teenager can trick-or-treat. I really do understand this. Overall though walking from house to house where there are a lot of small children and parents around is a pretty safe activity. Maybe it’s a little tacky to let your seventeen year old collect a pillowcase-full of candy, but would you rather have them doing that or at an unsupervised Halloween party? Invite them and their trick-or-treating buddies back to your house afterward for scary movies and a pizza.
The basic ideas of keeping your teenager safe on Halloween is that they are in a supervised environment, and you know exactly where they are. You are in close contact and there is a plan in place. Definitely let them go and have fun with their friends. Just remind them this is a chance to earn more trust and freedom from you if they handle this holiday with maturity.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Every teen feels concerned with what others think, especially about looks. This can’t be helped. It’s part of human nature.
This week I felt like a teenager because of a big, crazy set of stitches on my lip that look like a really bad cold sore. Everywhere I went it felt like people were starting and were grossed out. Watch this video and see for yourself what ultimately happened.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Love your teens with grace, affection and rules.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Parents, there are some of you who give your teenagers rules and consequences, but are very fair about it. Bravo! Keep it up.
There are some of you who have completely rigid rules for your teenagers. You are grounding them all the time, and your adolescent can’t even remember the last time you had fun together.
There are still others of you who really want to be “cool” moms and dads. You’re the parents who let your teenagers have parties at your house and you just stay upstairs. You know it isn’t right, but you just don’t feel comfortable setting limits with your teenager.
This post is geared toward overly strict and overly permissive parenting styles. If you’re overly strict, there’s a decent chance your teenager feels criticized at every turn. They really don’t know how to please you. On the other hand, if you’re letting them do whatever they want, consider who will teach them about life. Since it isn’t you, they’re going to learn it from their peers. This means other teenagers are raising your teenager.
Setting limits for children is an essential part of helping them feel loved. When they are two years old you might let them run around on the driveway, but you stop them from going into the street. As they get older, they get more and more room. By the time they are teens, they ideally are allowed a lot of say in their activities. However, when they might metaphorically run into the street, you still stop them.
Here’s an example. It’s great for teens to date. Just as small children “pretend” to do adult activities, such as play house, teens “play” at adult romantic relationships. They are learning! It’s really good for them to do this while they still live in your house and you can guide them. However, if you see them heading into something that is beyond their ability to manage, you stop them. Here’s an example of what I mean: even though it’s a good idea for teens to date, it’s not a good idea for teens to have sex. Any teen will tell you the physical risks that come with sex such as pregnancy and disease. What they can’t articulate is the emotional risks that come with sex. You, as an adult who has had sex, do understand the emotional risks associated with being sexually active with someone. You understand the connection that occurs, and the emotional pain that comes if that bond is broken.
An overly strict parent will not allow their teen to even date at all because they don’t want their adolescent child anywhere near sex. An overly permissive parent not only looks the other way if their child becomes sexually active, they might even allow the teenager’s partner to spend the night at their house. A parent who teaches their child how to date without allowing their child to be sexually active is one who is allowing their teenager to explore who they are becoming, while lovingly placing protective limits on their teenager’s behavior.
Teen dating and sexuality is just one example. The real point is to help you understand where to set limits on everything your teenager does. Allow them a bigger area to roam as they earn your trust, and as they can handle it. Don’t be so strict that while you protect them from any failures, they are not learning how to live life. Don’t be so permissive that while they might like you better, they are exposed to things beyond their adolescent years. Find the middle ground that keeps you in charge as the parent but lets your child develop; this is loving your teenager well.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
For the teenage Christian there are many challenges.
Image Credit: Iamnee and freedigitalphotos.net
Because I am very serious about my Christian faith I tend to get referrals from churches and families seeking a therapist who is also a Christian. I would estimate though that at least half of the teenagers I work with are either of a different faith, or do not practice a religion at all. This is fine in the context of a counseling relationship because compassion, care, understanding and guidance are aspects of counseling that transcend any religious or cultural differences between me and my clients.
Today though I am writing to my clients, both present and future, who are Christian teenagers. I want you to know you are not alone in walking a path that feels incredibly difficult at times. You are called to have the highest level of integrity, and that often means you do not end up in first place. While you have plenty of friends who find ways to cheat on tests or homework assignments, you are asked not to behave this way. Sometimes you probably give in to this temptation as I did several times in high school. Afterwards you might get the grade you were hoping for, but there is no satisfaction in it. You are left with a sense of guilt that can only be remedied by admitting your fault. This is even harder to do- face up when you know you’ve done wrong.
You also are following the moral and emotional guidance of Christ. These days some of your beliefs are culturally unpopular. You might find yourself dealing with some mild form of verbal persecution among your peers. While it is extremely unlikely you have faced physical abuse for your beliefs, if you are strong in them, you have very likely been called a name or two. This happened to me in high school as well. I was called mild things like naive, to completely inappropriate and incorrect names such as bigot, and one time I was even called a neo-Nazi. In no way did I ever have even the slightest inclinations towards white supremacy. This came from the mouth of someone who was angered when I said Christians believe there is one way to Heaven. I did go home and cry though because it felt terrible to be so completely maligned when I was trying to live my life in a very loving way towards others.
Another challenge you will most certainly face is moral dilemmas when you hang out with your non-Christian friends. A great number of them probably party, drink, lie to their parents sometimes, and are sexually active. It is really easy for you to attend youth group and go to church on Sundays, but still partake in these other things. In high school I had one foot in my faith and church, and one foot in the party scene. I justified it by saying I wasn’t the worst one there. I very rarely drank, and instead usually chose to be the designated driver. The problem was that I was lying to my parents about where I was going, and was tempted by other things as well. I was moral shades of gray. I know A LOT of Christian teenagers who do the same thing. It is tough for you to keep your non-Christian friends if you never do the things they like to do. But, this is exactly why it’s so important to understand that you walk a challenging road.
I think the most important thing you can do right now is keep a daily connection with God. Read your bible regularly, pray and stay involved in a small group. If you do these three things the desires of your heart will more likely align with Christ. That makes it a lot easier to follow Him than if you are trying to use your own will-power to be a “good kid,” but you don’t actually know a lot about who Jesus is. Then it becomes a religion of right and wrong instead of a relationship of love.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
