by Lauren Goodman | Jul 17, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
Learning How to Communicate With Your Teen
Have you ever wondered why your teenager doesn’t talk to you anymore? Do you miss the days when they came home excited to tell you everything that happened at school? Maybe you have friends whose teens seem to share everything with them, and you wish your relationship looked more like that. Learning how to communicate with your teen starts with becoming the kind of listener they feel safe talking to.
How to Communicate With Your Teen Without Judgment
Every week I sit across from dozens of adolescents in my counseling office. Early in therapy, I always ask whether they feel close to their parents. Some say yes, while others say no. Of the teens who say they feel close to their parents, nearly all have one thing in common: they don’t feel judged when they share what’s going on in their lives. The teens who don’t feel close to their parents often describe the opposite. They feel criticized, corrected, or lectured whenever they open up, so eventually they stop sharing.
It’s hard for us as parents to honestly evaluate ourselves. When learning how to communicate with your teen, you must ask yourself, ‘Am I being too judgmental?’ ‘Is the advice I mean to be helpful coming across as questioning the way my teen is handling the situation?’ ‘Am I distracted when my teen tries to talk to me?’ These are difficult questions, but answering them honestly is the first step toward having a more open relationship with your teen.
Unless they ask for it, try to refrain from giving your teen too much advice. If you have something you want to tell them, ask if they want to hear it first and then respect their decision. We need to guide our children when they’re making poor choices or talking about something harmful. But if your teenager is simply telling you how difficult a test was, they probably won’t want you to give them study tips. Often they simply want someone to listen.
Reflective Listening
For most people, reflective listening is difficult because our natural instinct is to help. When someone we love is struggling, we want to solve the problem for them. Unfortunately, this often backfires with teenagers. Many teens interpret unsolicited advice as criticism, even when it comes from a loving place. As a result, they become less likely to share in the future.
How to Communicate With Your Teen Through Better Listening
Effective listening begins by minimizing distractions. That may sound obvious, but it makes a tremendous difference. Put your phone down, pause or turn off the television, sit with your teen, and give them your full attention. It’s okay to ask them to do the same. Also remember that not every teenager communicates the same way. Many teens, especially boys, actually talk more openly when they aren’t making direct eye contact. Sitting side by side while driving or taking a walk together may lead to a much deeper conversation than sitting across from one another.
If you want your teen to keep talking, resist the urge to immediately comment or give advice. You don’t have to approve of everything they say, but you also don’t have to evaluate every situation they describe. For example, if your teenager tells you about something one of their friends did, simply nod, listen, and encourage them to continue.
There are certainly situations where you need to step in—such as if a friend is talking about suicide or another serious safety concern. But if they’re telling you about a classmate who cheated on homework, try not to immediately label that teen as a bad friend. Cheating is wrong, but there may be fear or desperation to improve a grade behind that choice. Your goal in that moment is to keep the conversation open, not to pass judgment on someone your teen knows. This is one of the keys to learning how to communicate with your teen.
Be Patient With the Process
If you don’t currently have a very open relationship with your teenager, don’t lose heart. Strong communication takes time to build. Be patient, stay consistent, and keep showing your teen that you are a safe person to talk to. More often than not, teenagers want their parents’ love, attention, and support. Be patient, stay consistent, and keep showing your teen that you are a safe person to talk to. Over time, those small moments of listening without judgment build trust, and trust is what leads to deeper conversations.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 17, 2026 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
How to Help Your Teen Overcome a Phobia
Watching your child struggle with a phobia (also known as a simple phobia) can be heartbreaking. You know their fear doesn’t make logical sense, but to them it feels completely real. Helping your teen overcome a phobia takes patience, understanding, and the right support. As a therapist, I’ve helped many teens work through phobias. As someone who experienced two phobias myself, I also know firsthand how overwhelming they can be. One of my phobias was a fear of sleeping away from home, and I want to share that experience because it is more relatable for kids and teens.
How My Phobia Started
When I was 8 years old, I used to spend the night at my friend Tracy’s house. She was my best friend at the time. We spent hours making up games, creating our own “newspapers,” and putting on plays that probably drove our parents nuts. One night I couldn’t fall asleep. Tracy always left Nickelodeon on throughout the night. I watched show after show while becoming more and more anxious because I wasn’t sleeping. I knew I probably could have fallen asleep if the television had been turned off, but Tracy (who was very bossy) had made it clear I wasn’t allowed to touch it because she couldn’t sleep without it.
The next morning I went home completely exhausted and emotionally drained. The following weekend I tried sleeping at Tracy’s house again, but I ended up calling my parents to come get me. From then on, the same thing happened almost every time I tried to spend the night somewhere else. It gradually developed into a form of separation anxiety that was only relieved if I knew I could be home and in my own bed by 8:30 that night.
Helping Your Teen Overcome a Phobia: Two Effective Approaches
There are two well-established ways of helping your teen overcome a phobia. Both involve facing the fear instead of avoiding it, but they differ in how quickly they do so. While flooding (the first approach) usually works faster, gradual exposure (the second approach) is more gentle and your teen is less likely to fight you when you use this method.
Method #1
The first approach is called flooding. This means facing the fear all at once, allowing the anxiety to rise, and staying in the situation until it naturally begins to come back down. It is extremely uncomfortable, but it can be very effective at getting rid of the phobia quickly.
Method #2
The second approach you can use when helping your teen overcome a phobia is called gradual exposure. Rather than confronting the biggest fear immediately, your child works through a series of smaller, manageable steps. Each step is repeated until it no longer creates much anxiety before moving on to the next one.
For example, if your teenager is afraid of sleeping away from home like I was, gradual exposure might look something like this:
- Visiting a friend’s house for an hour.
- Staying through dinner.
- Staying until bedtime but going home to sleep.
- Sleeping over with the understanding that a parent will pick them up early in the morning.
- Spending a full night away from home.
- Repeating sleepovers regularly until the anxiety fades.
Whenever your teen completes one step, next time they move on to the next one. You can apply the same method to other types of phobias. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety overnight. The goal is to gradually teach the brain that the feared situation is actually safe.
My Experience With Flooding
I wish my parents had known about the gradual approach. Instead, after several years of this fear, we used flooding. They told me that when I decided to spend the night somewhere, there would be no coming home no matter how anxious I became. They arranged for me to stay with a trusted family friend. I cried. I panicked. It was one of the hardest nights I can remember. Then morning came. I still remember how proud I felt thinking, “I’m finally over my fear of spending the night away from home.”
Why Repetition Matters When Helping Your Teen Overcome a Phobia
Unfortunately, I wasn’t over it. The next time I spent the night somewhere else, the fear came rushing back. I couldn’t believe it. I felt incredibly discouraged. My parents again insisted I stay the night, and while it was still difficult, it was slightly easier than the first time. In total, it took about 11 sleepovers before the anxiety finally disappeared. Even after that, if I went several months without spending the night away from home, I could feel the fear beginning to creep back in. To keep it from returning, I had to continue sleeping away from home about once a month for a while.
Consistency Is Key
One thing I hope you take away from my story is that there is nothing “simple” about a simple phobia. I actually dislike that term because it minimizes how disruptive these fears can become. My phobia kept me from enjoying birthday sleepovers, team sleepovers, late nights at friends’ houses, and even summer camp, despite the fact that I still went.
Whether you choose flooding or gradual exposure, consistency is essential. The natural temptation is to avoid fear whenever anxiety becomes overwhelming. Unfortunately, avoidance teaches the brain that the situation really is dangerous, making the phobia even stronger. Instead, encourage your child to face the fear one step at a time, celebrate each success, and continue practicing long after the anxiety starts to improve. Over time, the brain learns that the feared situation is safe, and the fear begins to lose its grip. Helping your teen overcome a phobia is rarely quick or easy, but it is absolutely possible. With patience, consistency, and plenty of encouragement, most teens can learn to face fears that once felt impossible to overcome.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 12, 2026 | Christian Counseling
Why Teach Integrity to Teens?
We must teach integrity to teens because it fosters a sense of wholeness and authenticity. Many faith traditions emphasize integrity because living in accordance with one’s values helps reduce inner conflict. When our actions match the way we present ourselves to the world, we are more at peace. In the same way, teenagers who develop integrity often enjoy greater self-respect and healthier self-esteem.
What Is Integrity and Why is it Important?
Having integrity means you are the same person in the light as you are in the dark. When nobody is watching your behavior, is the same as it is when everyone is watching? If you own your own business, do you declare all your income, even your cash? If you tell your children they cannot be sexually active outside marriage, are you sexually active outside marriage? Over time your teenagers can tell whether you are hypocritical when you can get away with it. Being a good model is more than half the battle in teaching integrity to teens. They follow your example. If you exhibit and value integrity, they will too.
By modeling integrity to your teenager, you are teaching them how to earn trust. Teenagers trust their friends who don’t gossip about them, pay them back when they borrow a few dollars, and who keep secrets they promise to keep. Correspondingly, your teenager is much more trustworthy to others when your teen has integrity. This means that your teen will keep friends, earn respect from teachers, and get along better with you. Consequently, your teen will have higher self-esteem.
How Does Therapy Help Teach Integrity to Teenagers?
Counseling for teens can be very important in teaching teens integrity. One of the main goals of therapy is self-discovery. It is a lot easier to be congruent to your values if you’ve explored what those values are. Counseling then encourages you to examine whether you are being true to those values.
For example, I profess to live by Christian values. When I went through my own counseling, I discovered I was spending an inordinate amount of time exercising. After more exploration, my therapist helped me see that I was not living to my professed Christian value of having God before all else. I was putting my own body shape and appearance before all else. In Christianity we call this having an idol. No wonder I was living with emotional knots! I wasn’t living with integrity. Things in my emotional and spiritual life improved significantly after this discovery because I got my behaviors in line with my heart.
What Can I Do to Teach Integrity to my Teen?
There are a few steps you can take to teach integrity to your teenager. First of all, take a few minutes to write out what values you hold in your heart. Secondly, write out how closely you live to those values. Thirdly (and this is the hardest one), write out the values you are showing with your behavior that you don’t actually want. Fourthly, commit to a few small changes that will help you line up with your values. Once you have this down for a few weeks, try repeating the exercise with your teen. If you explain how much that exercise helped you, they will likely be willing to try it too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 12, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
Building a Strong Relationship with Your Teen
Improving relationships with our teens is effort well spent. To some, the idea seems daunting. “How will I ever get my teen to respect and like me?” you wonder. Still, teenagers who have one caring adult in their life fare far better as adults than those who don’t. Hopefully, this means the interactions have an element of friendship underneath; this gives you more permission to have the parental interactions when they are needed.
Steps for Improving Your Relationship with Your Teen
Tracking The Improvement in Your Relationship with Your Child
That said, if you decide improving your relationship with your teenager is one of your new goals, then it’s time to plan. Firstly, figure out a few reasonable ways you can track yourself to see how you’re doing. For example, if you yell when you’re frustrated, try writing a quick note on a calendar at the end of each day: “Good today,” or “Yelled too much today.” While it’s simple, holding yourself accountable is the key to changed behavior. The other key is sticking with it. It supposedly takes 7 weeks to change a habit. That’s 49 days. Tracking behavior every day for a month and a half helps elicit change.
Be Patient with the Process of Improving Your Relationship with Your Adolescent
Secondly, when you’re improving your relationship with your teen, staying patient is vital. When you become nicer to people in your family, they won’t even notice at first. They will go on reacting towards you the way they always have. Keep in mind, you probably have to give it about three weeks before you notice them starting to be kinder in return. For their part, your adolescents won’t even realize they are being nicer in return. It eventually just starts to happen. Sadly, many parents I work with lose patience with this process because it is hard to make a huge effort for three weeks. It also can be very challenging not to get caught up in an argument when your teen talks back.
Give Yourself Grace When Learning to Get Along with Your Teen
Third, extend grace to yourself. Unlike a New Year’s resolution to exercise four days a week, improving your relationship with your teen cannot be measured so neatly. You can commit to doing four extra acts of kindness each week, but you cannot expect a perfect relationship simply by checking boxes. Instead, strive each day to strengthen your connection with your teen, while forgiving yourself when you slip back into old habits. In a sense, you may need to mentally “hit reset” many times throughout the day. If you speak harshly, become too permissive, or make another mistake you are trying to change, acknowledge it, take a breath, and begin again. Over time, these healthier patterns become more natural.
Eyes on the Prize (Getting Closer to Your Teen)
Finally, don’t lose sight of the reward at the end. You need to consistently visualize what things will be like once you’ve achieved the goal of an improved relationship. To this end, maybe you imagine hugging your son each morning when he’s on his way out the door to school. Similarly, perhaps you picture your daughter wanting to take a walk with you on a Saturday morning. Or, maybe you see yourselves sending funny little text messages to one another throughout the day. Whatever it is, don’t lose track of where you’re headed. Dave Ramsey always says, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” Though he gives advice about money, this phrase can apply to improving your relationship with your teen.
To put it another way, you need a tangible goal to achieve. Don’t try to picture being best friends with your teenager. You want them to have friends their age, and it’s not likely you will become best friends anyway. Just keep your focus on things looking a little better than they do right now.
When to Seek Counseling to Get Along Better with a Teenager
For some of you, improving your relationship with your teenager feels like it’s beyond a simple blog post. In those cases, our counselors at Teen Therapy OC can help. We’re always happy to spend a few minutes free of charge on the phone with you or to answer an email or two. This helps you determine next steps such as whether therapy is the right direction.
In summary, counseling usually helps when there is little to no respect between you and your teenager. Also, some parents come to the point where they cannot trust their adolescent child. If that is you, therapy is a good place to start. In addition to this, if your relationship is going through a rough patch because your teen is dealing with mental health struggles, therapy becomes even more important.
Our Hope for You as You Improve Your Relationship with Your Teen
Our hope and prayer for you is that this is a year filled with joy and blessings in your relationships with your children. We pray also that you learn as much from them as they do from you. We want times of teaching and learning, but we also want you and your teen to have fun and joy!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 11, 2026 | Depression Therapy for Teens
What Parents Need to Know
Discovering that your teenager is hurting themself can be frightening and overwhelming. One of the first questions parents ask is, “Why is this happening?” Understanding self-harm in teens is an important first step toward getting your child the help they need.
Why Self-Harm in Teens Occurs
Many teenagers who experiment with self-injury first hear about it from friends or social media. Some try it in an attempt to cope with emotional pain, find it does not work, and do not continue. Others, however, engage in self-harm more frequently or severely, which is cause for significant concern. When this occurs, a comprehensive mental health evaluation is essential. Although some teens may hope that self-injury will communicate their distress or bring needed attention and support, ongoing self-harm is always a sign that something is wrong and should be taken seriously. Professional help, including a psychiatric evaluation when appropriate, is an important part of treatment.
What Self-Harm in Teens Can Tell Us
Teens who self-harm may injure themselves in different areas of the body. Sometimes they choose locations that they can easily conceal, while others may be more visible. The most common area is on the forearm of the teen’s non-dominant arm. The teens who cut here often want you to discover that they are cutting. This is a cry for help, but the teen cutting does not know how to express their emotions in a healthy way.
Other common areas include the inner thighs and stomach. Teens who cut in these areas are often trying to avoid detection because they do not want anyone to stop them. Still, while the location can offer clues about why a teen is cutting, it is important to remember that self-harm is a serious concern no matter where it occurs.
Self-Harm in Teens as a Coping Skill
There is no single explanation for why teens self-harm. One helpful way to understand the behavior is to view it as an attempt to cope with overwhelming emotional pain. A teenager may feel powerless in the face of a difficult situation—such as family conflict, grief, or another major stressor—and self-injury can create a temporary sense of control. Unlike emotional pain, which may feel unpredictable, self-harm can seem manageable and immediate. Although it may provide brief relief, it does not address the underlying struggle and is not a healthy way to cope with pain.
Steps to Take if Your Teen Is Self-Harming
The most important message for parents is that self-harm in teens should always be taken seriously. Because self-injury often occurs alongside suicidal thoughts, it is vital to seek help immediately from a therapist, pediatrician, school counselor, or psychiatrist. You should not navigate this alone.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one evidence-based approach commonly used to help teens who self-harm. It teaches skills for managing difficult emotions, tolerating distress, and developing healthier coping strategies.
A Final Word for Parents
If you have discovered that your teenager is self-harming, please know that your fear and heartbreak are understandable. Lean on a few trusted people for support, and resist the urge to blame yourself. Instead, direct your energy toward helping your child access the care they need. With compassionate support and effective treatment, healing is possible for both teens and their families.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
