by Lauren Goodman | Jun 20, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
What to Do When You Have a Sneaky Teen
If you’re wondering what to do about a sneaky teen, start by understanding why the behavior is happening in the first place. Few things are more frustrating than discovering your teenager has been sneaking around behind your back. You have rules. You communicate your expectations clearly. In many cases, you would probably say yes if they simply asked permission. Yet somehow they continue to hide things, bend the truth, or go around the boundaries you’ve set. What makes this so painful isn’t usually the behavior itself. It’s the damage it does to trust.
Hardly any parents are trying to control every aspect of their teenager’s life. They simply want an honest relationship. They want their teen to trust that reasonable requests will be considered fairly, and they want to trust that their child is being truthful about where they are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing. The reasons behind sneaky behavior can vary, so understanding what’s driving it is an important first step.
What to Do When Their Behavior is Dangerous
If you suspect your teenager is hiding drug use, sexual activity, criminal behavior, or anything else that could put their safety at risk, that needs immediate attention. The advice in this article is not meant to minimize serious concerns. However, many parents find themselves dealing with a teen who isn’t engaging in dangerous behavior but still feels the need to be dishonest. In those situations, it’s worth asking yourself a difficult question: Why does my teenager feel the need to sneak? You may not know the answer right away, but understanding their motivation will help know what to do about a sneaky teen and help you respond more effectively.
How Often Are You Saying No?
One common reason teenagers sneak is because they believe asking permission is pointless. Whether that perception is accurate or not, they may feel convinced that every request will be denied. Over time, some teens stop asking altogether and begin finding ways around the rules instead.
I once worked with a teenage boy who frequently said, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than ask permission.” In his mind, that wasn’t a joke—it was a strategy. He believed it was the only way he would ever be allowed to date, attend a party, or even participate in harmless teenage antics like toilet papering a friend’s house. That doesn’t excuse the dishonesty, but it does help explain it. Sometimes sneaking isn’t driven by rebellion. Sometimes it’s driven by a teenager’s belief that honesty won’t get them anywhere.
When a Teen is Sneaking to Avoid Disapproval
Of course, there are also teenagers who sneak because they want to do something they know their parents would never allow but they believe is harmless. Technology provides endless opportunities for this.
Many teens hide social media accounts, download questionable apps, communicate with people they shouldn’t be talking to, or engage with content they know would concern their parents. They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt anyone. They simply don’t want the activity interrupted. When this is the reason behind the sneaking, the issue isn’t a lack of freedom. It’s a lack of willingness to be accountable. Understanding which situation you’re dealing with matters because the solution may look very different.
The Best Thing to Do About a Sneaky Teen Is Start With Connection
When parents discover dishonesty, their first instinct is often punishment. Sometimes consequences are necessary, but they shouldn’t be your starting point. Instead, sit down with your teenager and have an honest conversation about what’s happening. Tell them how their behavior affects you and why it hurts you. Explain that the issue isn’t simply the rule they broke—it’s the erosion of trust that comes with the secrecy.
Ask questions and listen carefully to the answers. How do they feel about the relationship right now? Why do they think they keep sneaking? What would help them be more honest moving forward? Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than accusation. You may learn something important, and your teenager may be more willing to change if they feel heard instead of attacked.
What to Do About a Sneaky Teen When Talking Isn’t Enough
If you’ve had multiple conversations and nothing changes, it’s time to become more structured. Clearly explain what behaviors need to stop and what consequences will follow if they continue. Be specific. Vague warnings rarely work with teenagers. Just as importantly, follow through.
You don’t need to yell, lecture, or make dramatic threats. Calm consistency is far more effective than emotional reactions. When your teen lies or sneaks, administer the consequence you outlined. However, when they tell the truth—even when it’s difficult—remember to acknowledge that too. Parents sometimes become so focused on correcting dishonesty that they forget to reinforce honesty. Both are important.
What to Do About a Sneaky Teen Who Keeps Breaking Trust
If the sneaking continues despite conversations and consequences, you may need to temporarily reduce your teenager’s freedom. That might mean increased supervision, fewer privileges, more accountability, or greater involvement in their daily activities. Think of it this way: freedom grows where trust grows.
When trust is repeatedly damaged, it makes sense for parents to increase oversight until that trust is rebuilt. The key is making sure your teenager understands the connection between their choices and the restrictions that follow. You want them to think, “I lost this privilege because I wasn’t trustworthy,” not, “My parents are unfair.” When consequences feel logical and connected to behavior, they are much more likely to teach the lesson you’re hoping to teach.
Remember That Trust Can Be Rebuilt
If you’re dealing with a sneaky teenager, you’re certainly not alone. Parents in this situation often feel angry, hurt, worried, and exhausted. Some even begin questioning whether they’ll ever be able to trust their child again. The good news is that most teenagers mature significantly over time. Character develops. Judgment improves. Relationships heal.
Stay focused on the long-term goal rather than winning every short-term battle. Continue setting appropriate boundaries. Continue holding your teen accountable. Continue looking for opportunities to connect. Most importantly, don’t let their dishonesty stop you from loving them well. Trust may be damaged today, but with patience, consistency, and effort from both sides, it can absolutely be rebuilt.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 17, 2026 | Christian Counseling
Finding Hope as a Hurting Parent
We have so much to be grateful for. It is incredible that we live in a country with so much freedom. God has truly blessed each of us in ways we often take for granted every single day. Even having clean water and enough food to eat is not a given in many parts of the world. If you’re struggling with your child, taking time to recognize these blessings can help bring a little perspective during difficult seasons and offer hope for a hurting parent.
Counting Your Blessings
The reason I remind you of this is because if you’re reading my blog, you’re probably hurting. Your teenager may be behaving in a way that scares you. You may be feeling overwhelmed as a parent and unsure of what to do to help your child. That can be one of the most helpless feelings in the world.
It does us a lot of good to count our blessings, especially when it comes to our teenagers. I realize things may be tough right now, but there are likely a lot of things going right too. It is very easy to become completely focused on solving one problem. When that happens, we can lose sight of all the things that are not problems.
Keeping Things in Perspective
For example, I have several clients who struggle with body image. Their focus on their appearance can become so intense that it dominates much of their lives. This is difficult for parents, who worry about whether their child is eating enough, exercising too much, or simply hating the way they look.
Many of these parents have found it helpful to refocus on what is going right with their child. In some cases, these teens still maintain good grades, avoid drugs and alcohol, and remain loving and engaged with their families. These parents work hard to keep perspective and remember that while there is a problem, there is also a lot going well. This is one of the best ways you can find hope as a hurting parent.
That is often how life works. Problems and blessings often exist side by side. We should not ignore the problems, but we should not ignore the blessings either. In fact, if you think back over your life, you can probably identify very few times when everything was completely good or completely bad.
Remember to Balance Correction with Praise
Raising kids requires maintaining the perspective that things could always be better and always be worse. Tell your teenager often what you appreciate about them. Help them improve where they need to grow, but don’t make that the only thing you talk about. If every conversation focuses on what needs fixing, it can come across as criticism. You want your child to know all the reasons you think they are wonderful too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 17, 2026 | Christian Counseling
Learning to Forgive Yourself After a Serious Mistake
Learning to forgive yourself can be hard.
Fifteen years ago, a 16-year-old boy was approached by an acquaintance at school (we’ll call him John). The 16-year-old had a reputation as the kid to go to if you wanted to try a new drug. John sought him out and asked if they could hang out after school. When the time came, John worked up the courage to ask, “Do you think I could try heroin with you?”
The 16-year-old liked John. He told him, “No. Some people can’t just use it once. You could become addicted immediately.” John replied, “Look, I’m going to try heroin. Would you rather it be with you, where at least you know the drug is good? Or would you rather I get it from someone else?” The 16-year-old sighed and took out a syringe. Together they got high. John fell completely in love with the euphoria and never got off the drug. By age 22, he was dead.
The 16-year-old is now 31. He cannot forgive himself for what happened. When he talks about it, his eyes fill with tears. He is haunted by two questions. First, “What if I had stuck with my no? Maybe he wouldn’t have made the effort to get it somewhere else.” Second, “Why did he die and not me? He was a good kid who wanted to live. I was a drug dealer who didn’t care whether I lived or died.”
Why Learning to Forgive Yourself Is So Difficult
How do you forgive yourself for a mistake that feels unforgivable? How do you move forward when you believe your bad choice caused so much suffering? This question has plagued humanity for thousands of years. While there are many answers, two stand out as especially helpful: repentance and self-compassion.
The Role of Repentance
Repentance is a religious concept, but it can be applied in a non-religious context as well. If a person sins against God, they admit what they have done and turn away from it. It is not enough to simply say, “I was wrong and I’m sorry.” There must be a genuine effort to change so the behavior is not repeated.
Going a step further, true repentance often includes helping others avoid the same mistakes. Christianity teaches repentance, but many other faiths emphasize it as well. Even from a secular perspective, most people would agree that taking responsibility for harmful behavior and actively working to change can be an important part of self-forgiveness.
Learning to Forgive Yourself Through Self-Compassion
The second part of self-forgiveness is self-compassion. In psychology, self-compassion is often associated with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It requires a person to understand the many factors that contributed to a poor decision.
In the case of the 16-year-old, he was using drugs to numb PTSD caused by severe childhood abuse. Those drugs affected his judgment and decision-making. John also made many choices that led him to seek out heroin. Experiences in John’s life contributed to his belief that he could handle trying the drug.
When you make a mistake, it’s important to understand the external factors. It doesn’t excuse what happened, but it does provide context. Knowing this can help you take the first step towards learning to forgive yourself.
Self-Compassion Is Not the Same as Excusing Behavior
It is important not to confuse self-compassion with making excuses. Many people today are quick to blame all of their problems on outside circumstances. The reality is that our lives are shaped by both external factors and personal choices.
Healthy self-compassion acknowledges the factors that influenced a bad decision while still accepting responsibility for that decision. It says, “I understand why I made that choice, and I am committed to making a better one in the future.”
Learning to Forgive Yourself and Move Forward
The combination of repentance and self-compassion allows a person to move forward. Together, they provide the balance of responsibility and grace that is necessary for healing. Repentance helps us acknowledge our mistakes and change course. Self-compassion helps us recognize our humanity and understand how those mistakes happened in the first place.
As a therapist who mainly sees teens, I would like to add this. If you are the parent of a teen, help your teenager learn this lesson by practicing it yourself. Let your teen see you take responsibility for your mistakes while also extending grace and mercy to yourself. In doing so, you model a healthy path forward—one that combines accountability, growth, and forgiveness.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 10, 2026 | Eating Disorder Therapy
Why Eating Disorders in Teen Girls Are So Common
Parents call me about many different concerns, one of which is the possibility that their daughter has an eating disorder. Once girls are in counseling, even if they came for a completely different reason, they frequently reveal that they believe they are overweight. Of the girls who believe this, a significant number are actively trying to lose weight. If those efforts become extreme or dangerous, they may qualify for an eating disorder. Lately, I have been seeing a lot of eating disorders in teen girls, so it seems like a good time to talk about this issue.
Common Warning Signs of Eating Disorders in Teen Girls
You may have noticed that I wrote, “If those efforts become extreme or dangerous, they may qualify for an eating disorder.” What exactly does “dangerous” mean?
Many girls (and sometimes boys) who are trying to lose weight turn to unhealthy methods. For example, frequent self-induced vomiting can cause serious health problems. It can damage teeth, injure the esophagus, and create electrolyte imbalances. In severe cases, those imbalances can even become life-threatening. There are many other dangerous behaviors used to lose weight. These include crash dieting, excessive exercise that leads to illness or injury, fasting, using laxatives, eliminating entire food groups, or using drugs to suppress appetite.
When Healthy Eating Isn’t Actually Healthy
Nutrition is an essential part of good health. Ironically, many girls struggling with eating disorders become obsessed with food and nutrition while still eating in very unhealthy ways.
One example comes from a girl I worked with who struggled with an eating disorder. She developed numerous misconceptions about food based on diet trends. She believed carbohydrates were harmful and were like poison for the body. If she ate only salads for lunch and dinner, she considered that a healthy day of eating. In reality, she had simply consumed too few calories while missing important nutrients such as carbohydrates and protein.
Treating Eating Disorders in Teen Girls
Therapists are not nutritionists, but we are often required to address nutritional concerns as part of treatment. Because of this, eating disorders are frequently treated with a team approach that includes both a therapist and a registered dietitian.
The dietitian helps the teen create a healthy eating plan. The therapist helps her manage the emotions that come with following that plan. For many girls, that emotional work is incredibly difficult and is a major part of recovery.
A medical doctor is also required to ensure that your teen is recovering their health (They monitor labs, check cardiovascular health, etc.). In addition to this, you, the parent, will play a vital role in your teen’s recovery. The therapist will teach you how to guide your teen’s eating habits and support them emotionally as they start healing.
The Emotional Side of Eating Disorders in Teen Girls
Eating disorders are primarily emotional struggles. Girls with anorexia often appear to be in complete control of their eating habits. On the surface, they may seem highly disciplined and determined. In reality, their eating behaviors are driven by deep feelings of shame, self-disgust, fear, anxiety, and dissatisfaction with themselves. Teens with bulimia often experience these same emotions. In addition, they often feel emotionally numb or disconnected during a binge episode.
Questions to Ask if You Are Concerned
If you are worried that your daughter may have an eating disorder, start by having a conversation. Ask her how she feels about her body. Ask whether she is trying to diet. Find out how much time and energy she spends thinking about food, weight, and exercise.
Most girls are aware of these things to some degree, but many still eat normally and exercise moderately. What you are looking for is whether the concern seems extreme or consuming. Also pay attention to how your daughter responds. If she becomes highly defensive, angry, or unwilling to discuss the topic, that can sometimes be a sign that something deeper is going on.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 9, 2026 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Understanding the Signs of Depression in Teens
Lately, I have been receiving a lot of calls from parents who are worried their teenager may be depressed. The truth is that depression can look very different from one teen to another, which can make it difficult to recognize. Knowing the signs of depression in teens can help you identify when your child may need additional support.
1. Irritability and Withdrawal
One sign of depression in teens is irritability. Your teenager may have previously enjoyed spending time with family but now prefers to stay isolated in their room. If you ask them to come out and spend time together, they respond with frustration or annoyance. While some desire for privacy is normal during adolescence, a sudden and significant change in behavior can be cause for concern.
2. Changes in Sleep
Another common sign of depression in teens is a change in sleeping habits. Some depressed teens sleep excessively. They sleep through the night and still take long naps during the day. Other teens experience the opposite problem and struggle with insomnia or frequent waking during the night. If your teenager’s sleep patterns have changed dramatically, it is worth paying attention to what else may be going on emotionally.
3. Social Isolation and Loss of Interest
You may also notice your teenager becoming less social. Perhaps your child used to spend a lot of time with friends, text constantly, or look forward to social activities. Now they may seem disconnected from their peers and no longer interested in spending time with others.
Some teenagers begin expressing feelings that they do not fit in anywhere. Others become cynical and start saying that everyone is shallow, annoying, or difficult to relate to. When teens pull away from relationships and lose interest in activities they once enjoyed, it can be one of the signs of depression in teens.
4. Suicidal Thoughts
One of the most serious signs of depression in teens is talking about suicide. If your teenager is texting friends about suicide, writing about it in a journal, posting about it online, or discussing it openly, it should always be taken seriously.
It can be tempting to assume these comments are simply attention-seeking. Even if attention is part of the motivation, talking about suicide is not a healthy way to seek attention and should never be ignored. If your teenager is expressing suicidal thoughts, they need a professional evaluation as soon as possible.
When the Signs of Depression in Teens Warrant Seeking Help
Depression can leave teenagers feeling hopeless, isolated, and overwhelmed. The good news is that help is available. If you suspect your teenager may be struggling with depression, reach out for support. A mental health professional can help determine whether your child is experiencing clinical depression and what type of treatment may be most helpful. The earlier depression is recognized, the sooner your teenager can begin feeling better.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
