by Lauren Goodman | Jul 12, 2026 | Christian Counseling
Why Teach Integrity to Teens?
We must teach integrity to teens because it fosters a sense of wholeness and authenticity. Many faith traditions emphasize integrity because living in accordance with one’s values helps reduce inner conflict. When our actions match the way we present ourselves to the world, we are more at peace. In the same way, teenagers who develop integrity often enjoy greater self-respect and healthier self-esteem.
What Is Integrity and Why is it Important?
Having integrity means you are the same person in the light as you are in the dark. When nobody is watching your behavior, is the same as it is when everyone is watching? If you own your own business, do you declare all your income, even your cash? If you tell your children they cannot be sexually active outside marriage, are you sexually active outside marriage? Over time your teenagers can tell whether you are hypocritical when you can get away with it. Being a good model is more than half the battle in teaching integrity to teens. They follow your example. If you exhibit and value integrity, they will too.
By modeling integrity to your teenager, you are teaching them how to earn trust. Teenagers trust their friends who don’t gossip about them, pay them back when they borrow a few dollars, and who keep secrets they promise to keep. Correspondingly, your teenager is much more trustworthy to others when your teen has integrity. This means that your teen will keep friends, earn respect from teachers, and get along better with you. Consequently, your teen will have higher self-esteem.
How Does Therapy Help Teach Integrity to Teenagers?
Counseling for teens can be very important in teaching teens integrity. One of the main goals of therapy is self-discovery. It is a lot easier to be congruent to your values if you’ve explored what those values are. Counseling then encourages you to examine whether you are being true to those values.
For example, I profess to live by Christian values. When I went through my own counseling, I discovered I was spending an inordinate amount of time exercising. After more exploration, my therapist helped me see that I was not living to my professed Christian value of having God before all else. I was putting my own body shape and appearance before all else. In Christianity we call this having an idol. No wonder I was living with emotional knots! I wasn’t living with integrity. Things in my emotional and spiritual life improved significantly after this discovery because I got my behaviors in line with my heart.
What Can I Do to Teach Integrity to my Teen?
There are a few steps you can take to teach integrity to your teenager. First of all, take a few minutes to write out what values you hold in your heart. Secondly, write out how closely you live to those values. Thirdly (and this is the hardest one), write out the values you are showing with your behavior that you don’t actually want. Fourthly, commit to a few small changes that will help you line up with your values. Once you have this down for a few weeks, try repeating the exercise with your teen. If you explain how much that exercise helped you, they will likely be willing to try it too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 12, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
Building a Strong Relationship with Your Teen
Improving relationships with our teens is effort well spent. To some, the idea seems daunting. “How will I ever get my teen to respect and like me?” you wonder. Still, teenagers who have one caring adult in their life fare far better as adults than those who don’t. Hopefully, this means the interactions have an element of friendship underneath; this gives you more permission to have the parental interactions when they are needed.
Steps for Improving Your Relationship with Your Teen
Tracking The Improvement in Your Relationship with Your Child
That said, if you decide improving your relationship with your teenager is one of your new goals, then it’s time to plan. Firstly, figure out a few reasonable ways you can track yourself to see how you’re doing. For example, if you yell when you’re frustrated, try writing a quick note on a calendar at the end of each day: “Good today,” or “Yelled too much today.” While it’s simple, holding yourself accountable is the key to changed behavior. The other key is sticking with it. It supposedly takes 7 weeks to change a habit. That’s 49 days. Tracking behavior every day for a month and a half helps elicit change.
Be Patient with the Process of Improving Your Relationship with Your Adolescent
Secondly, when you’re improving your relationship with your teen, staying patient is vital. When you become nicer to people in your family, they won’t even notice at first. They will go on reacting towards you the way they always have. Keep in mind, you probably have to give it about three weeks before you notice them starting to be kinder in return. For their part, your adolescents won’t even realize they are being nicer in return. It eventually just starts to happen. Sadly, many parents I work with lose patience with this process because it is hard to make a huge effort for three weeks. It also can be very challenging not to get caught up in an argument when your teen talks back.
Give Yourself Grace When Learning to Get Along with Your Teen
Third, extend grace to yourself. Unlike a New Year’s resolution to exercise four days a week, improving your relationship with your teen cannot be measured so neatly. You can commit to doing four extra acts of kindness each week, but you cannot expect a perfect relationship simply by checking boxes. Instead, strive each day to strengthen your connection with your teen, while forgiving yourself when you slip back into old habits. In a sense, you may need to mentally “hit reset” many times throughout the day. If you speak harshly, become too permissive, or make another mistake you are trying to change, acknowledge it, take a breath, and begin again. Over time, these healthier patterns become more natural.
Eyes on the Prize (Getting Closer to Your Teen)
Finally, don’t lose sight of the reward at the end. You need to consistently visualize what things will be like once you’ve achieved the goal of an improved relationship. To this end, maybe you imagine hugging your son each morning when he’s on his way out the door to school. Similarly, perhaps you picture your daughter wanting to take a walk with you on a Saturday morning. Or, maybe you see yourselves sending funny little text messages to one another throughout the day. Whatever it is, don’t lose track of where you’re headed. Dave Ramsey always says, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” Though he gives advice about money, this phrase can apply to improving your relationship with your teen.
To put it another way, you need a tangible goal to achieve. Don’t try to picture being best friends with your teenager. You want them to have friends their age, and it’s not likely you will become best friends anyway. Just keep your focus on things looking a little better than they do right now.
When to Seek Counseling to Get Along Better with a Teenager
For some of you, improving your relationship with your teenager feels like it’s beyond a simple blog post. In those cases, our counselors at Teen Therapy OC can help. We’re always happy to spend a few minutes free of charge on the phone with you or to answer an email or two. This helps you determine next steps such as whether therapy is the right direction.
In summary, counseling usually helps when there is little to no respect between you and your teenager. Also, some parents come to the point where they cannot trust their adolescent child. If that is you, therapy is a good place to start. In addition to this, if your relationship is going through a rough patch because your teen is dealing with mental health struggles, therapy becomes even more important.
Our Hope for You as You Improve Your Relationship with Your Teen
Our hope and prayer for you is that this is a year filled with joy and blessings in your relationships with your children. We pray also that you learn as much from them as they do from you. We want times of teaching and learning, but we also want you and your teen to have fun and joy!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 11, 2026 | Depression Therapy for Teens
What Parents Need to Know
Discovering that your teenager is hurting themself can be frightening and overwhelming. One of the first questions parents ask is, “Why is this happening?” Understanding self-harm in teens is an important first step toward getting your child the help they need.
Why Self-Harm in Teens Occurs
Many teenagers who experiment with self-injury first hear about it from friends or social media. Some try it in an attempt to cope with emotional pain, find it does not work, and do not continue. Others, however, engage in self-harm more frequently or severely, which is cause for significant concern. When this occurs, a comprehensive mental health evaluation is essential. Although some teens may hope that self-injury will communicate their distress or bring needed attention and support, ongoing self-harm is always a sign that something is wrong and should be taken seriously. Professional help, including a psychiatric evaluation when appropriate, is an important part of treatment.
What Self-Harm in Teens Can Tell Us
Teens who self-harm may injure themselves in different areas of the body. Sometimes they choose locations that they can easily conceal, while others may be more visible. The most common area is on the forearm of the teen’s non-dominant arm. The teens who cut here often want you to discover that they are cutting. This is a cry for help, but the teen cutting does not know how to express their emotions in a healthy way.
Other common areas include the inner thighs and stomach. Teens who cut in these areas are often trying to avoid detection because they do not want anyone to stop them. Still, while the location can offer clues about why a teen is cutting, it is important to remember that self-harm is a serious concern no matter where it occurs.
Self-Harm in Teens as a Coping Skill
There is no single explanation for why teens self-harm. One helpful way to understand the behavior is to view it as an attempt to cope with overwhelming emotional pain. A teenager may feel powerless in the face of a difficult situation—such as family conflict, grief, or another major stressor—and self-injury can create a temporary sense of control. Unlike emotional pain, which may feel unpredictable, self-harm can seem manageable and immediate. Although it may provide brief relief, it does not address the underlying struggle and is not a healthy way to cope with pain.
Steps to Take if Your Teen Is Self-Harming
The most important message for parents is that self-harm in teens should always be taken seriously. Because self-injury often occurs alongside suicidal thoughts, it is vital to seek help immediately from a therapist, pediatrician, school counselor, or psychiatrist. You should not navigate this alone.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one evidence-based approach commonly used to help teens who self-harm. It teaches skills for managing difficult emotions, tolerating distress, and developing healthier coping strategies.
A Final Word for Parents
If you have discovered that your teenager is self-harming, please know that your fear and heartbreak are understandable. Lean on a few trusted people for support, and resist the urge to blame yourself. Instead, direct your energy toward helping your child access the care they need. With compassionate support and effective treatment, healing is possible for both teens and their families.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 11, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
How to Discipline Teens Effectively
When your kids are little, giving consequences is usually pretty straightforward. You put them in time-out for a few minutes when they misbehave. If they throw a tantrum, you ignore the behavior until they calm down and ask nicely. If they misuse a toy, you take it away. But as kids get older, discipline gets harder. Many parents try to use the same techniques they used when their kids were younger, just modified for teenagers. The problem is that those strategies don’t always work the same way with teens. This is where learning how to discipline teens can become challenging.
A teenager ditches school, so you ground them. They argue with you, so you either ignore them or argue back. They misuse their phone, so you take it away. Sometimes these consequences work, but sometimes they don’t teach the lesson we want them to learn. The goal of disciplining teens is not just to punish a behavior. It is to help your teenager learn responsibility while keeping your relationship strong.
How to Discipline Teens When They Ditch Class
How do you give consequences to a teenager? Remember that your teen is getting closer to adulthood. They need opportunities to experience real-life consequences while you are still there to guide them. If your teenager ditches school and the school calls, it can be tempting to make an excuse for them. Instead, allow them to face the natural consequences of their choice. You might tell the school, “I wasn’t aware they were gone. I assume they skipped class.” Then allow the school to give an appropriate consequence, such as Saturday school.
When your teen comes home, calmly say, “The school told me you cut class today and now you have to attend Saturday school. That’s probably not how you wanted to spend your weekend.” If they ask you to help change the date because they have work or a game, you can respond: “Since you felt old enough to decide whether or not you should attend class, I guess you’re old enough to figure out how to handle this consequence.” Then let it go. Don’t lecture them or keep bringing it up. Allow them to solve the problem.
Why Grounding Your Teen Doesn’t Always Work
Do you see how different this is from simply grounding your teenager? When you ground your teen, you often become responsible for enforcing the consequence. You are the one saying no to the soccer game, the friend’s house, or the activity they want to attend.
Your teen may end up focusing more on how “unfair” you are instead of thinking about the choice they made. When thinking about how to discipline teens, the goal is to help them learn from their mistakes, not just make them uncomfortable.
How to Discipline Teens When They Talk Back
Another common challenge parents face is disrespectful communication. When your teenager argues with you, it can be tempting to defend yourself and prove your point. But getting pulled into an argument usually does not help. Instead, stay calm and say something like: “I’m not going to argue with you right now.” Or: “We can talk about this tomorrow when we are both calmer.”
This gives you both time to think. If your teen keeps pushing, calmly ask, “What did I say?” Remember, not everything is urgent. Teenagers often feel like things need to be solved immediately, it’s always important to take time before responding.
An Idea for Excessive Teen Phone Use
Many parents struggle with how to discipline teens when it comes to excessive phone use. The first instinct is often to take the phone away, but this can create a bigger power struggle. Instead, help your teen take responsibility. For example, look at the cell phone bill, highlight the cost or their phone, and leave it on the kitchen table. When your teen sees it, calmly say: “It looks like you have had a hard time following our expectations around phone use. You will need to come up with a plan for how you will pay for the phone this month.”
Then let them think through the solution. They may argue or say they don’t have the money. You can simply say, “I’m happy to help you brainstorm solutions if you want my help.” The goal is for your teen to connect their choices with the consequences. If you decide the punishment and force it on them, they may focus on how unfair you are. If they help solve the problem, they are more likely to learn from it.
Doing Your Best
Parenting teenagers today is challenging. It’s impossible to get it right all the time. From teen phone addiction to disrespectful communication, there are many situations where parents wonder how to discipline teens effectively. As a mother myself, I sympathize with this. The good news is that small changes in the way we approach discipline can make a big difference. Instead of trying to control every outcome, we can help our teens learn how to handle the outcomes of their own choices.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 8, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
What Is a Secure Attachment With Your Teen?
One of the greatest gifts you can give your teenager is knowing they always have a safe place to come when life gets hard. Every parent wants their child to feel loved, understood, and supported, but sometimes it can be difficult to know how to build that kind of relationship. That’s where the idea of a secure attachment with your teen comes in.
Attachment theory has been around for decades and is based on research by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. While the research began by studying babies and toddlers, the principles continue throughout life and help explain why some teenagers naturally turn to their parents during difficult times while others pull away. Researchers describe several different attachment styles that develop between young children and their primary caregiver.
The Three Attachment Styles
Before talking about teenagers, it helps to understand the different attachment styles researchers identified in young children.
Secure Attachment: A child seeks out a parent or caregiver for comfort when distressed. They feel safe exploring the world because they trust their caregiver will be there as a secure base when they need them.
Resistant Attachment: A child becomes very distressed when a parent leaves but also refuses comfort when the parent returns.
Avoidant Attachment: A child appears largely unaffected when a parent leaves, seems equally comfortable with strangers, and does not show a strong preference for the caregiver when seeking comfort.
Why a Secure Attachment With Your Teen Matters
Securely attached teenagers often resemble securely attached toddlers on a much larger scale. Your teenager thinks of you as home base. They venture into the world, build friendships, try new experiences, and become more independent, but they continue to check in with you. When life becomes overwhelming, you are the person they trust to help them sort through it.
When something upsetting happens, they naturally come to you for comfort, guidance, and perspective. That doesn’t mean they agree with you all the time or want your advice every minute of the day. It simply means they know they are emotionally safe with you.
How to Build a Secure Attachment With Your Teen
If this doesn’t describe your relationship with your teenager right now, don’t be discouraged. Start where you are. Take an honest look at what might be getting in the way. Do you intend to lovingly correct your teen but accidentally come across as critical? Does your child get punished every time they admit making a mistake? Is there a great deal of yelling or chaos in your home? Even if you deeply love your teenager, could you unintentionally seem distracted because you’re often busy with work or looking at your phone? These are difficult questions, but answering them honestly can help you identify small changes that may make a big difference.
The First Step Toward a Secure Attachment With Your Teen
One of the most powerful ways to strengthen your relationship is by practicing nonjudgmental listening. Allow your teenager to talk without interrupting or immediately offering your opinion. Thank them for trusting you enough to share. If you think advice would be helpful, ask if they would like to hear it first.
If they say no, try to remember that your highest priority right now is strengthening your relationship. By taking the long view, you are creating an environment where your teenager feels emotionally safe. It’s also important to remember that when teens consistently feel heard instead of judged, they often become much more open to hearing your advice later.
Grace Goes a Long Way
Years ago, I worked with a teenager who came to counseling for anxiety. Even though anxiety was a struggle, this teen had a wonderfully secure attachment with her mother. Her mom listened without judgment and created an atmosphere of safety. Because of that, she had tremendous influence in the everyday details of her daughter’s life. I want that kind of relationship for you and your teenager, too.
And as a mom myself, I can promise you this: you won’t do it perfectly every day, and that’s okay. Healthy relationships are not built on perfection. They are built on love, consistency, and grace.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
