Arguing with a teen can seem impossible, but it’s actually not. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
To argue effectively with your teenager, you both have to be listening. It doesn’t do a lot of good just to try and overpower each other. Here’s the mistake a lot of teens and parents both make when they are disagreeing: they continue to restate the same point repeatedly. When the other person doesn’t seem to hear it, they just say it more loudly. Eventually the tone of voice gets rude and then the argument can turn nasty. That’s when teenagers are blamed for “having an attitude,” or “being disrespectful,” or “talking back.”
It’s essential to realize deescalation has to occur before anything else. This means the discussion must remain calm. It’s completely fine, and actually positive to feel and express emotions. It’s not encouraged to do this offensively, with a blaming and/or defensive attitude. When’s the last time you were happy to hear someone’s point after they called you a name, rolled their eyes, or spoke with contempt in their voice? I know I have no interest in what someone has to say after that. All I’m thinking is what a jerk they are, and then I dig my heels in.
Parents and teenagers ask me all the time why it’s so much easier to talk about things in my office than at home. The answer is in remaining deescalated. When a family is learning to communicate better my primary goal is to keep the emotional triggers deescalated. I do this by slowing the discussion down and making sure each side acknowledges what they’ve just been told by the other side. In other words, I make sure parents are listening to their adolescents, and vice versa. I also don’t allow blaming. I ask each person in the room to expound on anything they’ve said by also explaining their current emotional state. For example, a teen might say to her mom, “I really want to be able to go to the party even though there won’t be any parents there.” When asked to expound on this, she may say, “I feel left out if I can’t go. I also feel I’m not trusted if I’m not allowed to go.” While this may not cause Mom to change her mind, she can certainly relate to feeling left out and not trusted. Those are really unpleasant emotions. Instead of Mom arguing that these types of parties are unsafe, Mom can tell her daughter she hates those emotions too. Once Daughter feels heard, she and Mom can work together to come up with some kind of creative solution.
It’s so incredibly important to communicate with your teenagers in a way that deescalates them. You won’t even have an impact on them if they are angry, defensive, and otherwise emotionally charged; they are not ready to listen in that state. You aren’t ready to listen either and the only two options become either fighting or shutting down. You may get your child to comply with you, but they will resent you. This is not what your objective is. The objective is always to keep them safe and teach them whatever they need to learn from a situation.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Your pain is real and your pain is intense. School is a place of special torture for you. You don’t feel emotionally safe among your peers. You wait for someone to make a degrading comment or not even notice you at all. You feel as though nobody would care if you simply stopped showing up at school. You wish to disappear. The deep suffering you experience because of your differences leads you to a place of hopelessness. Your spirit is at risk of breaking because you are socially rejected.
I know it’s hard, but see if this one little thing can help in even a small way:
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Help your teen combat depression and anxiety with physical touch. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It has been said that you need affectionate physical contact approximately ten times per day for your well-being. Does your teenager get that? If you’ve noticed your teen feeling anxious or depressed lately, you might ask yourself this question. Some teens hug their parents, siblings, and friends multiple times per day. They seek you out on the couch and sit right next to you. They are naturally very affectionate. However, these are not usually the kids who feel depressed or anxious.
It’s ironic that for the depressed or anxiety-ridden teenager, the thing that can help them to feel better is something they might hesitate to seek. Mom and Dad, this is where you come in. You can be conscious about giving your teenager affection. This doesn’t mean you necessarily have to wrap them in a big hug. It can be a pat on the back or a quick rub of the head. Just making the extra effort to have contact with your children can really help them thrive.
You now might be thinking one of two things. One possibility is that you are thinking it is inappropriate to touch your teenager. While you are probably not going to have the same sort of physical affection with your teen that you had when they were two, it is acceptable to show physical affection towards your children, irregardless of their age. Yes, now you should knock on their bedroom door before you enter and probably won’t be wandering into the bathroom while they are taking a shower. However, while they’re doing their homework it can be of tremendous benefit to their attitude and mood if you give them a quick squeeze of the shoulders. It also softens whatever you were about to say to them. For example, if you were going to say, “I’m glad to see you working hard on homework,” think about how that could be perceived sarcastically. Now think about how it’s likely to be perceived if it includes a quick affectionate touch- probably as a positive comment.
The second thing you might be thinking is, “My teenager won’t let me touch him.” You’re one of those parents who would love to hug your son or daughter, but they’ll have none of it. Just start where you can comfortably start. Maybe for a few weeks you’ll ask if you can help carry something they are holding. They will probably have incidental contact with you when they hand it to you. Perhaps you will offer to fix an out-of-place strand of hair, or help your teen into his jacket. You also might consider simply changing the rules around the house to require a hug before leaving and before going to bed. While it will be met with disgust and complaint, know that it is benefiting your teenager tremendously and that they secretly like it.
Physical affection toward your adolescent helps you too. Remember when your child was really young and sometimes screamed or threw tantrums? For a parent those moments are very frustrating. Picking your child up and holding her helped you reconnect the bond that was slightly damaged with the tantrum. Things are no different with your teen. They still throw tantrums (although they look a little different). You still need to work at reconnecting the bond. For a parent, physical affection is one of the best ways to do so.
Have fun being more affectionate to your teenager this week! It’s good for you; it’s good for them; it helps everyone’s mood.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Do you ever feel like you can’t find a good solution for a problem? You’ve tried and you’ve tried to fix something but it continues to challenge you. One example of this might be losing weight. You’ve tried a lot of diets and exercise plans, but you simply cannot lose the weight, or you cannot keep it off. Here’s a tip for getting “unstuck” wherever you are.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Help your teen be proud of who they see in the mirror- teach them to be significant. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Today in church I heard a great little tidbit from Pastor Rick Warren. He said, “Seek to be significant, not prominent.” I thought that was extremely applicable to the teenagers here in Orange County. We’re trained to differentiate ourselves, be a leader, and try to stand out from a very young age. The fact is though, there can really only be a few leaders. Everyone else has to be a worker-bee. We need to teach our teens that this is not a bad thing.
I have seen a number of teenagers in my counseling office who are struggling with the fact that they don’t stand out. Sometimes they are frustrated they don’t stand out academically. Other times they wish they could be the best athlete on their team. Still others desperately long to be the most popular teen in their school. They often see themselves as insignificant because they aren’t prominent.
For your adolescent to believe they lack significance because they are not prominent is a fallacy. Significance is something one decides to develop. It’s our job as the parents of our children to help our kids focus on doing significant things. It’s also our job to help them understand that these actions are not usually glorified, or attention-grabbing.
Here’s what I mean: It’s very significant for your teenager to go to a party where everyone else is drinking alcohol but they choose not to drink, and maybe even call you to pick them up. It’s significant for your adolescent to be one of the slower runners on their cross-country team, but they are always positive and cheering on the other runners. It’s significant if your teenager chooses to acknowledge and respect you in front of other kids, even when it’s unpopular. It’s significant if your adolescent volunteers at a soup kitchen on a Saturday morning before all their other friends are up; none of these things garner prominence.
If you work very hard at helping your children make a contribution to this world, and help them understand that for the most part those actions do not get them attention or accolades, you will help raise happy, self-assured, motivated teenagers. You will teach your teen what it means to have humility. You will help your adolescent know how to work hard. You will teach your child integrity and honesty. They won’t mind taking the longer road if it’s the right one. They will be patient, intentional, focused, and able to set long-term goals.
In short, if you teach your teenager the importance of being significant, whether or not that gets them prominence, you will help them develop strong character and inner contentedness.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
