Love your teens with grace, affection and rules. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Parenting a Teen
Parenting a teen is different than an elementary aged child. How does your role as a mom change once your child becomes an adolescent? This is a question I am asked in some form or another on a regular basis in my therapy practice.
1. You still help with physical needs.
While you are no longer physically brushing your child’s teeth, you are making sure their teeth are cared for. You take them to the dentist, orthodontist, buy their toothpaste, etc.
You still make sure your teenager is getting a balanced diet too. This is actually a challenge for a mom of teenagers because teens go out to eat with their friends. Help them limit this activity to a healthy level and make sure the food available at home is good for them.
Perhaps most importantly, make sure your teenager is getting enough sleep. I see parents let off the gas on the bedtime when their children are still way to young to manage this with maturity. If they aren’t usually getting 8 hours of sleep per night, they aren’t managing it well on their own.
2. Character development.
To the best of your ability expect your teenager to behave in a way that lines up with the adult you hope they’ll be. As you parent your teen, avoid saying to yourself, “They’re just kids and they’ll grow out of this.” If your teen is drinking, smoking, sneaking out, etc. it’s a good idea to reign them in. You also want to help them develop integrity, honesty, perseverance and responsibility.
3. Love.
Your teenager absolutely still needs a lot of love and affirmation. Just because they’ve lost that baby cuteness doesn’t mean they don’t want to snuggle sometimes. Even if they are cold when you touch them, they still need it. Be careful not to put pressure on them to meet your needs for affection though. That sometimes drives them away from you. They need to hear you’re proud of them and that you believe they will make it when they step out into the world.
4. More space.
More and more your adolescent needs the room to venture out. You are their safety net but no longer their director. They should be able to choose their own friends, own extra-curriculars, and own interests. When they “skin their knees” they need you to help them get back up, but they no longer need complete insulation from ever possibly “skinning their knees.”
Parenting a Teen: So Much Change
The transition from parenting a child to parenting an teen is full of nothing but change. It is up to you to demonstrate flexibility with the constant change. Continue to love your children as passionately as you ever have, but understand that it starts to look different. You are no longer the center of their world, you have been moved to the supporting cast. Even though your role is less central, you are still immeasurably important.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Help your teen do better in school with more sleep Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Improving Teen Sleep
Teenagers are notorious for not sleeping enough during the school week, and then sleeping very late on the weekends; proper sleep has great importance for a teen. This disrupts their sleep quality and patterns. However, I truly understand why they do it; most teens are exhausted by the end of the week.
Consequences of Poor Sleep
The importance of teen sleep is paramount. Not sleeping enough causes irritability, poor memory, depressed mood, affects eating patterns, is linked with use of caffeine and nicotine, and lowers immunity. The average teenager needs 9 hours and 15 minutes of sleep every single night. Most are lucky if they get 8 hours. Part of the struggle is that in adolescence it is normal for the circadian rhythm (the body’s natural sleeping and waking pattern) to shift. Adolescents often cannot fall asleep until close to 11pm. However, most schools start around 8am. That means there isn’t even enough time to get proper sleep.
Ways to Improve Sleep
This will seem obvious, but it is worth mentioning. Things that can help your teen fall asleep earlier are keeping their room very dark at night, finishing dinner by 7pm, stopping homework and phone use by 8:30pm, and using the last half hour of the day to wind down. Do not let your teenager have a TV in their room, or let them play video games in their room. Those are two activities associated with mental alertness; their room needs to be associated with rest. Also, their bed should only be used for sleeping. A lot of teens like to do their homework on their bed, text while sitting on their bed, read on their bed, etc. Again, you want your child to mentally associate their bed with sleep. These are all things that can help you get your teen to bed by 9pm.
Why Improving Teen Sleep is Important
Initially you may experience resistance on the idea of an earlier bedtime. Try and explain the benefits. Tell your teenager that school becomes easier with more sleep. Tell them also that they will be healthier, have more energy, and get along better with family. For teens who struggle with their weight, explain to them that the proper amount of sleep links to a healthier body weight.
What Do We Do About Teen Sleep In Counseling
When a parent brings their teenager into counseling with me, one of the first things I check on is how much sleep the teen is getting because of the importance of good teen sleep. Many adolescents come for depressed moods, irritability and low self-worth. Most of the kids who feel this way also are very short on sleep. Many of these kids sleep about 6 hours per night during the school week.
Right away we agree on improving their sleep schedule. We move up their bedtime by a half hour each week until they are in bed with the lights out for 9 hours per night. In about 25% of cases, this is all the adolescent needs to feel completely better. In almost 100% of cases it helps the adolescent feel somewhat better.
After you read this take a few minutes to examine the sleep patterns in your family. Is everyone watching TV before bed? Do some members of the family texting until they fall asleep? Are your kids doing homework until 11pm? Do you have to wake your teenagers up two or three times every morning before they start getting ready for school? These are all signs of bad sleep hygiene (yes, that’s an actual term). Maybe if everyone works on it, the whole household will get along better.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Responsible teens are much happier than entitled ones. Photo courtesy of Marin and freedigitalphotos.net.
Entitlement in Adolescents
A while ago, I was fortunate enough to hear John Townsend speak. He is witty, engaging and above all, wise. He had really good things to say about adolescent entitlement.
One of the key points he made was that we should not say, “I deserve” this or that. That verbage causes us to actually lose power. When we think we deserve something, we assume it’s due us. That means we’re upset when we don’t have it, and we don’t see how to go and get it for ourselves.
What To Do If Your Teen Is Entitled
If your teenager tells you, “I deserve an iPhone,” it means they’ve given you all the power to control when and how they get it. They are completely relying on you to provide this for them. Instead it’s much better to teach your children (and yourselves) to use the words, “I’m responsible” to get the thing you want. If your adolescents learn to say this, they then believe it’s within their power to earn things. I agree with Dr. Townsend on this point completely because it teaches your teens motivation, and goal setting. Those two things can be hard to teach a teen, but they help to end entitlement in adolescents.
Entitlement to Special Treatment
Another point Dr. Townsend made that was fantastic is essentially to be very careful about believing you’re “exempt from responsibility,” and therefore, “owed special treatment.” When you read that sentence, I’m sure you don’t think you’re guilty of this. Afterall, at first I didn’t. Then he went on to explain that ALL of us do this from time to time. We think it’s fine to share our opinions without being careful of someone else’s feelings. We can be particularly guilty of this on social media. However, we don’t want to hear opinions contrary to our own; that’s deemed offensive.
The Most Common Area of Teen Entitlement
When it comes to teens, I hear the problem of being “exempt from responsibility” and “owed special treatment” in one particular area all the time. This is with their teachers and coaches. I hear teens’ parents tell me their child had a bad teacher or bad coach. They say this in front of their teenager. This causes entitlement in your adolescent. Some parents even go as far as to change their teenager’s schedule at school in order to get a particular teacher and avoid others. My question to you if you do this is: Why does your child deserve the best teacher? It’s nice when it happens, but does anybody deserve that? And, there’s that word “deserve” again.
Responsibility in Adolescents is the Opposite of Entitlement
The better thing to teach your child is to be responsible for finding a way to learn and earn a good grade even with the less engaging teachers. There’s that other word, “responsible.” Besides, learning to function with less than optimum learning conditions is more important than learning the subject matter. How many times in your life have you used your 11th grade trigonometry from that class with the great math teacher? Compare this with how many situations you’ve been in where your boss or client was less than great. Aren’t you glad you learned to cope with “bad” teachers after all?
What Can Parents Do?
Firstly, you have the ability to model good behavior. Show a lot of gratitude for all the things in your life. Understand that God gives and takes away as He wills. We aren’t owed anything in this life. Your kids will greatly benefit from that outlook too. They’ll work hard and enjoy what they have, but they won’t be destroyed every time they don’t get their way.
At Teen Therapy OC, combatting entitlement in adolescents towards parents is a key goal in nearly every counseling relationship. Many, many adolescents who come in struggle with entitlement. They are angry with parents for “taking away my phone,” or “not letting me go out with my friends.” Of course this doesn’t describe everyone, but for those it does, we work on adolescent entitlement reduction. Everyone ends up happier.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Positive thinking improves your whole life. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Happiness For Teens: How do today’s teens seek happiness?
Happiness for teens is elusive. If you’re reading blogs on this site, it probably means either you or someone you love deeply is struggling to find happiness. I’ve been there too. It really hurts. It can be such a struggle to find more than just fleeting enjoyment.
We look to things like a new outfit, the latest video game, a trip to a theme park, something good to eat, or especially social media. We know these things are associated with pleasure. For a few minutes, and maybe a few hours if we’re lucky, we feel happy. These things keep us coming back. Ultimately though, they wind up empty.
5 things that contribute to more lasting happiness for teens:
1. Actively demonstrating gratitude.
There are most certainly people in your life that you rely on. Whether it’s that weekly call with your mom you use to vent, or your assistant at work who schedules your meetings. If you’re a teenager, then it’s that one teacher who always actually listens, or your friend at school who sits next to you at lunch each day without fail. Try your best to visibly thank someone each day. Send a text, an email, write a note, etc. If you just do this once a day you will truly increase your happiness; you and your teen can find more happiness.
2. Control your thoughts.
It’s really easy to think nobody cares about you. You believe you’re not as smart as the next person, or that you will never amount to anything much. It’s harder to remind yourself of why these thoughts are simply untrue.
Happy people work hard to fight their negative thoughts. The first step is to recognize them. The second step is to honestly test them. The third step is to reshape them. If you think nobody cares about you, you need to test this theory. You don’t need to actively do anything, you just need to look back at the last 24 hours. Did anyone say hello to you, hug you, smile at you, give you a ride somewhere, send you a message, etc? If even one person did any of those things, then you need to reshape your thought to something more positive. You might change it to something like, ‘At least one person cares about me.’ Happy teens are more successful at fighting their negative thoughts.
3. Get in the habit of smiling.
People wait for someone to smile at them first. If you’re both doing this, nobody ends up smiling. Smile first. It might feel awkward, but you get incredible results. If you smile more, others interpret you as more friendly. They want to be around you more. You end up happier. Also, the muscles we use to smile are linked to the “happiness center” in our brain. In fact, smiling is healthy. When you smile your brain automatically feels happier. Happiness for teens is more achievable with a smile.
4. Exercise: An Important Part of Happiness for Teens.
People who do some sort of daily exercise are happier. You will have more energy. Teens who exercise regularly also have a better body image. Consistent exercise is an important ingredient for happiness in teens.
5. Prayer or meditation.
5 minutes a day is not much time. If you stop for 5 minutes and slow down your mind, you will gain hours of a better mood. Better moods equal increased productivity. Increased productivity equals a feeling of accomplishment, which is linked to happiness. Additionally, prayer accomplishes this. Plus, then you’re connecting with God and He loves you.
Most, if not all, of these tips are things you’ve heard and read before. What’s keeping you from actually putting them into practice? It probably takes 1 week of actively doing these things to increase your overall happiness. Happiness is the result of habits, not the result of luck. This means it’s something you make. As humans our natural state is one of complaint, irritation, and frustration. This can be overcome, but you have to work at it. You can do it! Use that positive thinking to tell yourself you can!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
There are always things to be thankful for if you’re looking. Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Finding Help for Teen Depression is Tough
Getting help for teen depression is hard. As a parent, your heart is breaking. You see your once vibrant adolescent struggling to come up for air. Your son or daughter is likely irritable, sullen, withdrawn, and does not feel zest for life. Consequently, you are left wondering what you should do.
A Story of Depression
I’m reading an incredible book right now. It’s called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The book is fairly auto-biographical, but only for a period of the author’s life. She starts out by explaining how regret, sadness, and bitterness pervade her life. More or less, she’s probably struggling with depression and some anxiety. She looks back at past events that really hurt her family growing up, and continues to have fears caused by those events.
Does Regret Play a Role in Your Teen’s Depression?
I think if we’re not very conscious to control regretful thoughts, they can affect all of us. There are always things to look back on that we should have done differently. I must have thousands of those types of choices. I’ve spent a good part of the last few days wishing I could redo last Friday, actually. Your teen needs help for depression because they fixate on regrets. These range from small things like a few poorly chosen words to big things like breaking up with someone. Adolescents with depression idealize how something ought to feel. As a result, they profoundly struggle with accepting that life is full of missteps and inequalities.
Ideas That Help with Teen Depression
One Thousand Gifts goes on to share how the author works through her depression and anxious moods. There are a few lessons to take from her, which I will go over in the next paragraph, but first let me tell you the basics of what she does to move on from her past. She leans hard into her Christian faith and recognizes one of the main tenants of Christianity is to be thankful IN all things (not FOR all things). This means finding something to be grateful for no matter what. She begins a list of 1,000 little joys that surround her. The list has the smallest things, like how incredible the different colors are in soap bubbles or how beautiful the sound is when her children play together. Surprisingly, these things are easy to overlook unless you’re paying attention; she finds she has been overlooking them for years.
1. Lean Into A Faith
The lessons from Voskamp’s story that can help with teen depression are as follows: First of all, while not all of you reading this are Christian, most of you probably believe in something. Teach your suffering teen to lean hard into it when they’re suffering. Faith is an amazing way to cope with stress, depression, and anxiety. It might not solve it, but it also takes work. Your teen can’t just vaguely believe in something and then never read about it, pray, and give it time. If your teen does all these things, they will find some percentage of help with their teen depression in their faith.
2. Gratitude and Depression are Opposing Forces
Another huge lesson from Voskamp’s story is that thankfulness is really the opposite of depression and anxiety. Actively looking for the small things in life that are beautiful, enjoyable, funny, loving, etc. leads to less time worrying and regretting. Honestly, there simply isn’t room in your mind to do both. This isn’t to trivialize a legitimate depressive disorder or anxiety disorder, because often those are much deeper than just your teen’s attitude. However, for many teens seeking help with depression, changing focus to a grateful posture alleviates some of the suffering.
3. Life Isn’t Linear: Depression and Joy Coexist
Voskamp teaches one of life’s most important lessons. Teens fighting with depression find help in knowing they have permission to grieve/feel anger/fret/feel sadness at the same time they feel joy. For example, many teen parents call and tell me their child requests counseling for depression or anxiety. However, the parent says it’s hard to understand because their teen still laughs and sees friends. These things do exist at the same time. For my part, I am grateful that’s the case because it means there is always joy to be found even on the worst of days.
Final Thoughts on Help for Teen Depression
Now for a personal note: I (Lauren) don’t struggle much with depressed moods. I do however struggle with anxiety. Worries about the future plague me at times, and it’s a battle to keep these thoughts at bay. However, Voskamp’s techniques are really helpful in my own life. I am trying to be more active in my faith, and am looking for tiny things to enjoy. In the past 15+ years I’ve been counseling depressed teens, this technique has never failed to help them at least a little bit. My hope is that it will be a source of help for your teen with depression as well.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
