Bullying can cause your teen to appear depressed. Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
6th grade was hell for me. The girls in my carpool used to get out of the car and shut the door before I could get out. They’d walk off as fast as possible so they didn’t have to walk with me. When I’d get on the campus and try to stand in the circle of other 6th grade girls who were talking, they’d squeeze together so that I couldn’t stand with them. If I wore a shirt that any other girl had, they’d call me a “biter,” whatever that means. I came home crying all the time. Finally, my mom had had enough. She didn’t call the school. She did lock all the doors when the carpool got to school and told them sternly to stay put. She firmly told them their behavior was inappropriate and rude. She expected them to walk with me onto the campus, and always smile and wave when they saw me. She said if they said anything rude behind my back, talked about this little chat with other kids, or made me cry one more time she’d take it up with their parents. I was embarassed, but the rest of the school year was tolerable after that.
Your teenager comes home in tears. You ask what’s wrong and at first they don’t want to tell you. Then, after some prodding, they tell you there are some kids being mean at school. You ask what they’ve said or done. You’re teenager lets you know he’s been teased in the locker room because he’s hit puberty early, or late, or really it could be anything. Anything that’s a little bit different about your child is fair game. Adolescents are wonderful in so many ways; they’ve begun to have a sense of humor, take responsibility for themselves, and assert a lot of independence. However, adolescents are just awful in other ways.
Your daughter is in middle school, typically the worst age for bullying for girls, and she seems really down. Again, she won’t tell you what is wrong. It’s almost always a safe bet that there is something going on at school with friends. This is an age where pre-teen and early teenage girls are extremely sensitive to what others think of them. Your daughter tells you that at lunch her usual group of friends were all looking at her and whispering. She is certain they were saying mean things behind her back.
Some of the situations your teen children deal with are very normal. The two situations described above are extremely uncomfortable for your teenager to live though, but are typical. The situation I dealt with was a little bit more extreme, but still borderline bullying. In these situations try your best as a parent to help your teenager cope. The kids who fare best in these situations can laugh it off and dish it back out. If you teach your teenager to banter with other teens, remind them repeatedly not to curse, use physical force, or say anything mean. Help them know the line between what is being said in good fun and what is being said to just provoke. Teach them not to provoke, but to joke back enough that they are perceived as having a good humor. Teenagers are constantly chiding one another because they’re just discovering sarcasm. They try it out on each other and in the process of learning its limits, can sometimes be mean. If your kid seems to let it roll off, and even laugh at the things being said about/to them, the other kids will genuinely like them. On the other hand, if your adolescent is defensive, overly emotional or enraged, it will encourage more teasing and make them a bit of an outcast.
There are circumstances that qualify as true bullying. Don’t call the school’s vice principle to complain that your child is being bullied because it seems there might be a few people whispering about her. However, if she is being called names on a consistent basis, being physically threatened, or in any other way harassed, it is time to step in and take action. Your teenager may resist your involvement for fear of being even more disliked, but you have to recognize that teenagers don’t always know what’s best for them. The sooner it stops, the easier it will be for your child to go to school without distress.
In summary, to help your teen navigate the social politics at school, including bullying, keep in constant conversation. Help them to know home is a safe place where they will never be teased in a mean way, and where they will be loved no matter what. Be vigilant to see if your child is the bully, and put your foot down immediately to stop it if they are.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
We all mess up. Sometimes it’s accidental, and sometimes we make a bad choice. Whatever the case, once we realize there’s a problem with our behavior, honestly is the best way out. Yes, you will likely have a consequence, but it’s nothing compared to the consequence you’ll face if you lie about it or try to cover up your misdoing.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
I have the privilege of walking with hurting teenagers for 10 years now. When I say privilege, I truly mean it. Being a therapist for teens is an amazing job because I get to see miraculous things happen in people’s lives. In this short video I will relay some of the amazing things I have been privy to in the ten years I have been in practice counseling adolescents.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
You don’t have to follow along with the crowd’s plan for your child’s life. This is what I wrote about earlier in the week. Here’s a short video clip on the same topic.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens really know how to push a parents’ buttons, but there are ways to “fight nicely.” Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I know we’ve all heard this before, but it is really important to be careful when you’re angry. Twice this week I’ve sat with teenage clients who have cried over things someone in their family said out of anger. In both situations the teens had completely exasperated their families, but the teenagers still took the resulting comments to heart.
We’ve all gone through this. In a fight with our spouse they might say some awful thing that cuts to the core, or you might throw out a phrase that you know you’ll be sorry about later. With our kids though, it is essential to stay a bit calmer and be more mature. I sat in my office with one girl who had said truly horrid things to her father during an argument, but when he finally was pushed far enough to call her a curse word, she fell apart. She sat and wondered for a few weeks whether he really thought that of her.
As a parent you have to be intentional. You have to keep the end goal in mind, which is to raise your child into a well-adjusted adult. You have to keep in mind that each year brings new phases, and new ways your child will learn to mature. Sometimes in that learning process they will resist you. If you get caught up in these instances where your child is resistant, you will forever be struggling with them. You will find yourself acting at their maturity level, or will find they have more power in the relationship than you. Know ahead of time what character traits you’re aiming for. It’s a lot easier to arrive at a destination if you know where you’re going than if you meander. This in turn will help you to be calmer. It will prevent you from saying useless, blaming things like, “You’re the reason this family fights all the time!” How do you think a kid/teen will feel after that?
So, it is extremely important to control your tongue. You are the example to your children. If you’re rude to them, you’ll get it right back. Do not let their vision of how they want to conduct their life, or what they think is the most important thing cloud your judgment as a parent. A teenager will tell you that what college they are accepted to is the most important thing that will ever happen to their career. As a parent, you have the wisdom to know that where they go to school is a small piece of the puzzle. The bigger pieces are work-ethic, networking ability, work experience, drive and motivation, integrity, and fiscal responsibility. If you buy into your teen’s vision then you will be overly focused on SAT scores, and not spend enough time helping them develop the rest of the necessary character qualities to succeed.
How do we best sum this up? Watch what you say out loud to your child. Make sure it is congruent with the person you are trying to help them become. Remember that extremely rude comments made in the heat of the moment are not easily forgotten by children. Know how to have grace, and know when to say you’re sorry.
Excessive social media use might lead to a weakness of character. Credit: Ambro via freedigitalphotos.net
Teenagers use Instagram and Snapchat all the time. Some of them use Facebook too, but I mostly hear about “Insta” and Snapchat. These are good tools of communication. They allow people to enjoy seeing what their friends are up to, which can be fun. More often than not though, I am hearing about hurt feelings as a result of these apps.
Teens that are constantly on these apps covet what their friends have. They covet the highlight reel of friends with boyfriends or girlfriends, friends with other friends, friends with good family relationships, friends doing fun things, and friends being recognized for achievements. They also covet their friends’ bodies, clothes and other material possessions. It’s an endless game of your teenager comparing himself or herself and thinking (s)he doesn’t measure up.
Covetousness is an ugly character trait. It seems harmless at first. Initially your teenager simply wishes (s)he had what “they” have. Then (s)he feels discontented with what (s)he has. Then (s)he begins to envy. From there flows a desire to take short-cuts. Short-cuts lead to lying, cheating, stealing and impatience. This is the mark of someone who needs instant gratification to be happy. People who live like that remind me of Esau from the Old Testament in the Bible. Esau traded everything that came with the Ancient Israelite tradition of being a firstborn son for a meal; he was hungry so he chose instant gratification. Your child wants to be loved, so (s)he becomes willing to be sexual with someone at a party instead of putting in all the work it takes to have a meaningful, loving relationship. Yes, I know this is an extreme example, but a covetous character really does lead to short-cuts, which can ultimately lead to a very hard road.
I am not blaming social media for the poor character trait of covetousness. That is something that comes from instant gratification. I will tell you though that the teenage clients I see who don’t really struggle with this also don’t spend much time on social media. While there isn’t causation, there does seem to be correlation. Just like drinking soda every day i9s correlated to obesity, using social media appears to be correlated to an envious character.
There’s an old adage that if you want to be thin hang out with thin people, and if you want to be wealthy hang out with wealthy people. Well, if you want a strong character, do what people with strong characters do. They use social media a little bit, but they don’t live on it. They don’t allow themselves to become so wrapped up in it that they start comparing what they see with their own lives. People of strong character simply tend to be busy doing other things than wishing they had what someone else has. I want this for your teenager too. I want your teen to develop sound character so that he or she will be a positive contribution to this world instead of someone who whines because life has been “hard” and “unfair.”
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
