“Hooking up” has become normalized, acceptable and even preferred to dating among today’s teenagers. Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
In a culture that has the shortest attention span in recent history, it’s no surprise our teens are “hooking up” more often than they’re dating. Parents, this should scare the bejeezus out of you! It scares me to death and I’m not even fearing for my own child (she’s still small), I’m worried sick about the teenagers I work with.
On the more obvious level, I worry for their physical health. It’s not new news that diseases spread through kissing, sexual activity and sexual intercourse. It’s also not new news that girls who participate in this type of activity with boys they don’t know very well are much more likely to be sexually assaulted. In that case, sometimes the situation gets away from them. What began as consensual activity progresses farther than they intended. Actually, this goes for boys too. While your sons aren’t as likely to complain about it aloud, I hear it in my office ALL THE TIME. An adolescent male is “hooking up” with a girl at a party and she doesn’t seem to be stopping when things really heat up. He wants to stop, but knows that culturally he’s not supposed to. Before he really knows what’s happened to him, he’s squandered the virginity that he did actually value. He wasn’t assaulted per se, but he didn’t really want to be with that girl either.
Side bar: I keep putting “hooking up” in quotes because this has become a confusing term. In my generation the term “hook up” always meant sex. Teens use it now to mean anything from making out to intercourse. It’s not a very descriptive term. If you hear your child using it, make sure to ask for clarification.
The other part of “hooking up” that really bothers me as a therapist is the lack of personal connection, self-respect, respect for commitment, and respect for the other partner- all the emotional stuff. Most of the teenagers I work with who “hook up” have been deeply hurt by this activity. They do this believing it will help them walk towards having a relationship, but actually makes them disposable. There is no earning the right to a kiss after being taken on a nice date because all he has to do is give your daughter a drink or two and then they’ll become sexual (feel free to interchange he with she and daughter with son). I realize this type of thing has been going on for years, but I’m telling you that it is more prevalent than when I was in high school in the late 1990s and early 2000s. At least at that time we tended to be “dating” before anything would happen. One client complained to me that the majority of her friends have a “hook-up” or a “friend with benefits,” but that nobody has a boyfriend or girlfriend. She said she’s commonly called prude, old-fashioned, and a tease because she isn’t sexual with her male friends; she insists on being taken out for a real date. I pointed out to her that although she is called names for this, she does actually have the respect of her male and female friends. She agreed. Can you believe she is made fun of for having self-respect?!?
Parents, I’m begging you to have multiple conversations with your teenagers about this. Please, please, please teach them that their bodies are to be treasured, not given away. Please set a strong example for them yourself. I realize that given the statistics today, half of you reading this have gone through a divorce. That means there are a significant number of you trying to date. For those of you in that situation, set the example for your teens of how you’d like them to handle sex. If you’re casual about it, they probably will be too; if you take it seriously and see it as a big deal, they probably will too.
One of the best things you can do as a parent is demand the respect your teenager deserves, and force them to give the respect their fellow teens should have. I realize that sentence wasn’t very clear, so this is an example of what I’m talking about. If you have a teenage son, require him to knock at the door and shake hands with a girl’s parents when he takes her out. If you have a teen daughter, don’t let her leave the house until her date has come to the door to pick her up and shaken your hand. If he’s clearly uncomfortable beyond the nerves any teen boy would feel standing face to face with a girl’s parents, don’t let her go with him! Hold very firm boundaries around teen dating while still letting them figure out what it’s all about. For goodness sake, talk to them about the destructiveness of just “hooking up!” We want our kids to grow up healthy and free of the burdens that come with sexually transmitted diseases, wounded hearts from sex that happened too young, and the pain of being cast off after giving everything to another person.
Bullying can cause your teen to appear depressed. Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
6th grade was hell for me. The girls in my carpool used to get out of the car and shut the door before I could get out. They’d walk off as fast as possible so they didn’t have to walk with me. When I’d get on the campus and try to stand in the circle of other 6th grade girls who were talking, they’d squeeze together so that I couldn’t stand with them. If I wore a shirt that any other girl had, they’d call me a “biter,” whatever that means. I came home crying all the time. Finally, my mom had had enough. She didn’t call the school. She did lock all the doors when the carpool got to school and told them sternly to stay put. She firmly told them their behavior was inappropriate and rude. She expected them to walk with me onto the campus, and always smile and wave when they saw me. She said if they said anything rude behind my back, talked about this little chat with other kids, or made me cry one more time she’d take it up with their parents. I was embarassed, but the rest of the school year was tolerable after that.
Your teenager comes home in tears. You ask what’s wrong and at first they don’t want to tell you. Then, after some prodding, they tell you there are some kids being mean at school. You ask what they’ve said or done. You’re teenager lets you know he’s been teased in the locker room because he’s hit puberty early, or late, or really it could be anything. Anything that’s a little bit different about your child is fair game. Adolescents are wonderful in so many ways; they’ve begun to have a sense of humor, take responsibility for themselves, and assert a lot of independence. However, adolescents are just awful in other ways.
Your daughter is in middle school, typically the worst age for bullying for girls, and she seems really down. Again, she won’t tell you what is wrong. It’s almost always a safe bet that there is something going on at school with friends. This is an age where pre-teen and early teenage girls are extremely sensitive to what others think of them. Your daughter tells you that at lunch her usual group of friends were all looking at her and whispering. She is certain they were saying mean things behind her back.
Some of the situations your teen children deal with are very normal. The two situations described above are extremely uncomfortable for your teenager to live though, but are typical. The situation I dealt with was a little bit more extreme, but still borderline bullying. In these situations try your best as a parent to help your teenager cope. The kids who fare best in these situations can laugh it off and dish it back out. If you teach your teenager to banter with other teens, remind them repeatedly not to curse, use physical force, or say anything mean. Help them know the line between what is being said in good fun and what is being said to just provoke. Teach them not to provoke, but to joke back enough that they are perceived as having a good humor. Teenagers are constantly chiding one another because they’re just discovering sarcasm. They try it out on each other and in the process of learning its limits, can sometimes be mean. If your kid seems to let it roll off, and even laugh at the things being said about/to them, the other kids will genuinely like them. On the other hand, if your adolescent is defensive, overly emotional or enraged, it will encourage more teasing and make them a bit of an outcast.
There are circumstances that qualify as true bullying. Don’t call the school’s vice principle to complain that your child is being bullied because it seems there might be a few people whispering about her. However, if she is being called names on a consistent basis, being physically threatened, or in any other way harassed, it is time to step in and take action. Your teenager may resist your involvement for fear of being even more disliked, but you have to recognize that teenagers don’t always know what’s best for them. The sooner it stops, the easier it will be for your child to go to school without distress.
In summary, to help your teen navigate the social politics at school, including bullying, keep in constant conversation. Help them to know home is a safe place where they will never be teased in a mean way, and where they will be loved no matter what. Be vigilant to see if your child is the bully, and put your foot down immediately to stop it if they are.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
We all mess up. Sometimes it’s accidental, and sometimes we make a bad choice. Whatever the case, once we realize there’s a problem with our behavior, honestly is the best way out. Yes, you will likely have a consequence, but it’s nothing compared to the consequence you’ll face if you lie about it or try to cover up your misdoing.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
I have the privilege of walking with hurting teenagers for 10 years now. When I say privilege, I truly mean it. Being a therapist for teens is an amazing job because I get to see miraculous things happen in people’s lives. In this short video I will relay some of the amazing things I have been privy to in the ten years I have been in practice counseling adolescents.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
You don’t have to follow along with the crowd’s plan for your child’s life. This is what I wrote about earlier in the week. Here’s a short video clip on the same topic.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens really know how to push a parents’ buttons, but there are ways to “fight nicely.” Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I know we’ve all heard this before, but it is really important to be careful when you’re angry. Twice this week I’ve sat with teenage clients who have cried over things someone in their family said out of anger. In both situations the teens had completely exasperated their families, but the teenagers still took the resulting comments to heart.
We’ve all gone through this. In a fight with our spouse they might say some awful thing that cuts to the core, or you might throw out a phrase that you know you’ll be sorry about later. With our kids though, it is essential to stay a bit calmer and be more mature. I sat in my office with one girl who had said truly horrid things to her father during an argument, but when he finally was pushed far enough to call her a curse word, she fell apart. She sat and wondered for a few weeks whether he really thought that of her.
As a parent you have to be intentional. You have to keep the end goal in mind, which is to raise your child into a well-adjusted adult. You have to keep in mind that each year brings new phases, and new ways your child will learn to mature. Sometimes in that learning process they will resist you. If you get caught up in these instances where your child is resistant, you will forever be struggling with them. You will find yourself acting at their maturity level, or will find they have more power in the relationship than you. Know ahead of time what character traits you’re aiming for. It’s a lot easier to arrive at a destination if you know where you’re going than if you meander. This in turn will help you to be calmer. It will prevent you from saying useless, blaming things like, “You’re the reason this family fights all the time!” How do you think a kid/teen will feel after that?
So, it is extremely important to control your tongue. You are the example to your children. If you’re rude to them, you’ll get it right back. Do not let their vision of how they want to conduct their life, or what they think is the most important thing cloud your judgment as a parent. A teenager will tell you that what college they are accepted to is the most important thing that will ever happen to their career. As a parent, you have the wisdom to know that where they go to school is a small piece of the puzzle. The bigger pieces are work-ethic, networking ability, work experience, drive and motivation, integrity, and fiscal responsibility. If you buy into your teen’s vision then you will be overly focused on SAT scores, and not spend enough time helping them develop the rest of the necessary character qualities to succeed.
How do we best sum this up? Watch what you say out loud to your child. Make sure it is congruent with the person you are trying to help them become. Remember that extremely rude comments made in the heat of the moment are not easily forgotten by children. Know how to have grace, and know when to say you’re sorry.
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
