I have the privilege of walking with hurting teenagers for 10 years now. When I say privilege, I truly mean it. Being a therapist for teens is an amazing job because I get to see miraculous things happen in people’s lives. In this short video I will relay some of the amazing things I have been privy to in the ten years I have been in practice counseling adolescents.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
You don’t have to follow along with the crowd’s plan for your child’s life. This is what I wrote about earlier in the week. Here’s a short video clip on the same topic.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Teens really know how to push a parents’ buttons, but there are ways to “fight nicely.”
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I know we’ve all heard this before, but it is really important to be careful when you’re angry. Twice this week I’ve sat with teenage clients who have cried over things someone in their family said out of anger. In both situations the teens had completely exasperated their families, but the teenagers still took the resulting comments to heart.
We’ve all gone through this. In a fight with our spouse they might say some awful thing that cuts to the core, or you might throw out a phrase that you know you’ll be sorry about later. With our kids though, it is essential to stay a bit calmer and be more mature. I sat in my office with one girl who had said truly horrid things to her father during an argument, but when he finally was pushed far enough to call her a curse word, she fell apart. She sat and wondered for a few weeks whether he really thought that of her.
As a parent you have to be intentional. You have to keep the end goal in mind, which is to raise your child into a well-adjusted adult. You have to keep in mind that each year brings new phases, and new ways your child will learn to mature. Sometimes in that learning process they will resist you. If you get caught up in these instances where your child is resistant, you will forever be struggling with them. You will find yourself acting at their maturity level, or will find they have more power in the relationship than you. Know ahead of time what character traits you’re aiming for. It’s a lot easier to arrive at a destination if you know where you’re going than if you meander. This in turn will help you to be calmer. It will prevent you from saying useless, blaming things like, “You’re the reason this family fights all the time!” How do you think a kid/teen will feel after that?
So, it is extremely important to control your tongue. You are the example to your children. If you’re rude to them, you’ll get it right back. Do not let their vision of how they want to conduct their life, or what they think is the most important thing cloud your judgment as a parent. A teenager will tell you that what college they are accepted to is the most important thing that will ever happen to their career. As a parent, you have the wisdom to know that where they go to school is a small piece of the puzzle. The bigger pieces are work-ethic, networking ability, work experience, drive and motivation, integrity, and fiscal responsibility. If you buy into your teen’s vision then you will be overly focused on SAT scores, and not spend enough time helping them develop the rest of the necessary character qualities to succeed.
How do we best sum this up? Watch what you say out loud to your child. Make sure it is congruent with the person you are trying to help them become. Remember that extremely rude comments made in the heat of the moment are not easily forgotten by children. Know how to have grace, and know when to say you’re sorry.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Excessive social media use might lead to a weakness of character.
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Teenagers use Instagram and Snapchat all the time. Some of them use Facebook too, but I mostly hear about “Insta” and Snapchat. These are good tools of communication. They allow people to enjoy seeing what their friends are up to, which can be fun. More often than not though, I am hearing about hurt feelings as a result of these apps.
Teens that are constantly on these apps covet what their friends have. They covet the highlight reel of friends with boyfriends or girlfriends, friends with other friends, friends with good family relationships, friends doing fun things, and friends being recognized for achievements. They also covet their friends’ bodies, clothes and other material possessions. It’s an endless game of your teenager comparing himself or herself and thinking (s)he doesn’t measure up.
Covetousness is an ugly character trait. It seems harmless at first. Initially your teenager simply wishes (s)he had what “they” have. Then (s)he feels discontented with what (s)he has. Then (s)he begins to envy. From there flows a desire to take short-cuts. Short-cuts lead to lying, cheating, stealing and impatience. This is the mark of someone who needs instant gratification to be happy. People who live like that remind me of Esau from the Old Testament in the Bible. Esau traded everything that came with the Ancient Israelite tradition of being a firstborn son for a meal; he was hungry so he chose instant gratification. Your child wants to be loved, so (s)he becomes willing to be sexual with someone at a party instead of putting in all the work it takes to have a meaningful, loving relationship. Yes, I know this is an extreme example, but a covetous character really does lead to short-cuts, which can ultimately lead to a very hard road.
I am not blaming social media for the poor character trait of covetousness. That is something that comes from instant gratification. I will tell you though that the teenage clients I see who don’t really struggle with this also don’t spend much time on social media. While there isn’t causation, there does seem to be correlation. Just like drinking soda every day i9s correlated to obesity, using social media appears to be correlated to an envious character.
There’s an old adage that if you want to be thin hang out with thin people, and if you want to be wealthy hang out with wealthy people. Well, if you want a strong character, do what people with strong characters do. They use social media a little bit, but they don’t live on it. They don’t allow themselves to become so wrapped up in it that they start comparing what they see with their own lives. People of strong character simply tend to be busy doing other things than wishing they had what someone else has. I want this for your teenager too. I want your teen to develop sound character so that he or she will be a positive contribution to this world instead of someone who whines because life has been “hard” and “unfair.”
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Your teen will learn about sex; will they learn from you or someone else?
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As a parent, there are certain moments in our teenagers’ lives that we fear. The first time they get behind the wheel of a car; the first time they come home from a party and you smell alcohol; the first time you find out they are having sex; all terrifying moments. Some parents are not bothered by the idea of their teen having sex, as long as the teen uses protection from disease and pregnancy. Through my years of working with teens though, I have found most parents are unprepared and definitely upset when their teen becomes sexually active.
Sexually active teens tend to have an intensity in their dating relationships that is less common to abstinent teens. It is not surprising. Sex is a very emotionally intimate process that moves a relationship to a completely different level. To stand naked in front of someone is a metaphor for emotional vulnerability that just does not exist with clothes on. Teens are very, very rarely mature enough to handle the emotional bonding and closeness that occurs with sex.
As a parent, what do you do if you discover your teen is sexually active? Firstly, please do not be one of those parents who think that your teen’s business is private. Please don’t be that mom who tells your daughter you’ll get her birth control and condoms, and then you won’t ask questions. I’ve heard mom’s tell me, “As long as she’s not getting pregnant, I don’t want to know.” This attitude leaves your child to chart very adult waters without any adult perspective. This means the only advice your teen is getting is from his or her other inexperienced, adolescent friends. Also, please do not be one of those parents that glorifies teenage sex. You are not doing your child any favors by saying things like, “Way to go son, now you’re really a man.”
You most certainly need to sit down with your teen and have a conversation. There need to be rules. The teen needs to understand what comes along with the decision to be sexually active. You are better off too old-fashioned than too permissive. It’s okay if your teen gets mad at you. Later, when they are no longer even speaking to their current sexual partner, they will thank you for setting limits. It might not be for ten years, but they will thank you. As a therapist, I have heard clients tell me they wished their parents had done more to forbid their sexual behavior in the past. I have heard this more times than I can count from male and female clients. This is always said after the fact, when the break-up has occurred.
If you can’t tell by now, I am coming from a perspective where waiting is best. The longer your teen waits, the healthier their choices will be. They will blossom into a person who can make mature decisions about a partner. For all you Christian parents, talk gently with your teen about God’s design for sex. Help them to know that God offers forgiveness for their choice, and please be graceful. Telling them that they are a sinner who has ruined their future marriage will only engender sneaky behavior in your child.
No matter what, this is a difficult and delicate topic. While you can’t avoid it, don’t be a bull in a china shop either. Remember above all else to show love and care towards your teenager. Don’t be afraid to inform the parents of your child’s sexual partner, but also handle this with a lot of care. Love and respect are the first ingredients to this being a successful conversation.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Surrounding yourself with supportive community reduces anxiety.
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Anxiety is a huge challenge for many people. It is an obstacle that keeps them from moving forward with goals, keeps them from being close in relationships, and imprisons them. The intense fear that something bad is going to happen feels overwhelming and upsetting. Often, the things we worry about don’t even make sense to anyone else. Someone might worry about something going wrong on a vacation to the point where the vacation isn’t even relaxing. Another person might worry about being a failure in life, when she has earned A’s and B’s in school all along. Some worry that nobody will like them, even when they have a lot of friends. Anxiety is typically illogical, but still can be hard to control.
One of the best ways to help with anxiety is to rely on your faith. Most major religions teach not to worry. Some even call it a sin to worry. They all want you to focus on something bigger than that thing you are concerned with right now.
Even if you do not have a faith in a god, there are really good lessons to learn from religion on how to deal with anxiety. While you might not know to whom you are praying, pouring out your fears and believing something is out there that cares about you still is immensely helpful. Getting yourself into a community of people who care about you and the struggles you are facing will strengthen you. You might try a support group for starters. I know there are beliefs and prejudices some of you have towards support groups; there is a stigma about people who go to support groups. Those beliefs are generally wrong. You will find some of the nicest, most normal people in these groups. Going to a support group also gives you the opportunity to encourage someone else, which reduces anxiety as well.
Coming from a Christian perspective, God wants you to remember that he will shoulder your burdens. Jesus already took on all the punishment you deserved for every wrongdoing you committed, so there is nothing to be afraid of. You aren’t alone when you go through painful things because God doesn’t abandon you. Remembering that helps you hold on to a sense of peace and joy even in your darkest of days. Christianity also teaches us to go through things in community. If we are suffering, we are to share the weight of our sorrows and fears with others. When you have people supporting you and praying for you it makes a world of difference. Things are a lot less scary when others walk through them with you.
Psalm 28:8-9 says: “God is all strength for his people, ample refuge for his chosen leader; Save your people and bless your heritage. Care for them; carry them like a good shepherd,” (The Message Translation).
Facing your worries and then moving beyond them is definitely difficult. It is made even more difficult because we tend to walk through our anxieties by ourselves. Going through your pain in community, and in prayer, relieves some of the stress anxiety causes. Relying on God to guide you gives you strength and hope.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
