Here are some tips for anxiety management. It’s a good topic for today because I am having an anxious kind of day (yes, even therapists get anxious).
A peaceful place
1. It’s not as bad as you think it is. Truly. You are worrying about something that is very unlikely to play out exactly the way you think it will. Things usually go better than we predict.
2. Be in the moment. If you’re anxious then you are likely living in the future. If you just choose to exist in the moment, you will find there are things to be grateful for right now. If you are asking, “What if?” about some upcoming situation, you are missing out on “right now.”
3. Do not panic. You have more time to think through and act than you realize. If you are experiencing test-taking anxiety for example, even during the exam you have 60 seconds to close your eyes and breathe. If you are worried about what to say to your friend after an argument, you have time to write out your thoughts before you see your friend.
4. Respond thoughtfully. One thing that makes us anxious is a sense of urgency. We believe we must respond immediately to a text message, email, or phone call. This is simply untrue. Taking an extra 5 minutes to think through what you will say can calm your anxiety.
5. Do something enjoyable. I know this sounds very cliche. However, it’s over-suggested because it has a lot of merit. It’s hard to be anxious when you’re sitting in the sun with a glass of lemonade.
6. Bounce your concern off someone honest. Don’t call a friend who always tells you everything will be fine because you won’t know whether or not you can believe them. Call that friend who is very candid. If they tell you it’s fine, you will feel better. If they agree that it’s not fine, they will give suggestions on how to make it better.
7. Remember to breathe. Deep, slow breaths are the complete opposite to anxious breathing. If you can take deep, slow breaths then your brain registers relaxed feelings.
8. Force a smile. This is for the exact same reasons as number seven. It is incongruous with anxious feelings.
9. Do something for someone else. When we’re overly anxious, we’re often worried about ourselves. We’re not too focused on others. Doing an act of service really helps other people feel cared for, and helps you feel better.
10. I saved the best for last. The thing that is most helpful for me is prayer. Giving up my fear or concern to God, who knows more and has more control than I ever will, and who has my best interests in mind, is a huge relief.
Now, don’t you feel a little better? I know I do!
Most of you already have heard these things. If your teenager has anxiety you’ve probably asked them to try some of these things. It takes a little while and it takes practice. We’re not usually good at things until we work at them. One of the things therapy does that is helpful for teenagers is forces repetition of coping skills. A lot of teens will try something once, say it doesn’t work, and then not give it another shot. A counselor is kind of like your anxiety-reduction coach. If you’re not at the point where you think therapy is needed, try and encourage your adolescent to work at anxiety-reduction skills over and over until they really can do it.
Volunteering helps your teen’s physical and mental health. Credit: Wikimedia/free-images.com
The benefits to volunteering are innumerable. For your teenager they are essential. Many of us automatically think of how great it looks on college applications to have a teenager who volunteers. However, there are reasons it’s good for your child that span from work-ethic to physical health. Research does nothing but support the idea of your teen spending some selfless time to benefit others.
This past week my family did something out of our comfort zone. We hosted a pastor who was attending a conference at our local church. If I’m being totally honest it was inconvenient. We had to let the kids camp out on our floor, actually keep the house picked up, make a little bit of extra food, and stay up later than usual (One of my kids wakes me at 5:30 every morning so the only hope of enough sleep is an early bedtime).
Despite this, it was a great experience! It was really, really good for every single member of my family to be inconvenienced for someone else’s benefit. It helped us get exposed to another perspective too. This pastor has a significantly less materialistic lifestyle than we do. He cares more about the needs of those around him than his own safety or comfort. I would have told you I was like that too, but that would have been wishful thinking. It is really good for us to contrast how we live with the way other people live. It is even better for us to give up something for someone else.
When it comes to your teenagers it does them a lot of good to get past their own comforts and concerns. Teens I’ve worked with who have been exposed to significant poverty or need tend to have a lot more gratitude. Those who have simply been sheltered in the OC Bubble are often self-centered. They don’t mean to be, but they are worried about brand-names and image.
Teens who volunteer work harder. They tend to care about something with some amount of passion. They don’t feel their own personal future is the only thing that matters. They also feel more empowered. Teenagers who volunteer are less likely to see themselves as victims. They know changes can be made so they don’t sit back helplessly when they see something they don’t like.
The point of all this is to say that your teenager will benefit greatly from selflessness. One of the most productive ways to be selfless is to volunteer at something that really matters. Help your teenager choose a cause that isn’t simply whatever fills the amount of volunteer time suggested by a college counselor, but something that actually matters to him or her.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Youth sports have positives and negatives. Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Depending on where you live this may or may not be relevant to you. Here in Orange County, California, youth sports are competitive. It’s pretty tough to make the Little League All-Star team. It’s intense if you play club soccer, especially if you’re on the 1st team for your age group. High schools use various methods to recruit football players to their school, even outside of their school district.
A huge number of parents have their kids in one, two or sometimes three very intense athletic programs. They have a running coach, private lessons, strength and conditioning work-outs, and year around leagues to compete in. Weekends are dominated by travel for games. If there are two or three kids in the family the parents are often split up at two different athletic events on Saturday AND Sunday. Sometimes there is travel involved. There is always an expense involved.
I played club soccer growing up, which took up most weekends of the year. When I wasn’t playing soccer I was playing softball. Once I got into high school I also added field hockey into the mix. In high school I took honors and AP classes too. At the end of 10th grade though it all came crashing down. Apparently I wasn’t cut out to have a rigorous academic schedule and 3-5 hours of sports per day. After a pretty extended period of illness, I finally threw in the towel and played one sport. I cut back to one or two AP classes per year. The other parents and a lot of my friends thought I was crazy. They would say to me things like how would I get a scholarship for college now?
Ask yourself what your goal is if your child is intensely playing sports. Are they really, truly talented enough to make the top professional level, where only the tiniest sliver of athletes get to play? Do they love the sport so much that you can’t stop them from practicing extra even if you tried? Or, are they complaining about practices? Are they saying they feel tired, and struggle to complete all their homework? Do they say they wish they had more time with friends?
Around here many of us lose the forest for the trees. The goal of youth sports is for kids to learn cooperation, work-ethic, make friends, have fun and get a little exercise. It’s part of how we help them build character. Once they show a little promise though we often forget these goals. Instead we are whisking them to practices, spending thousands of dollars and traveling all over the Southwest United States. We are not spending relaxed time at home with our family all together.
Highly competitive youth sports is adding stress and anxiety to your child’s life. It isn’t giving them the release you think it is. On top of that, many adolescents are now developing injuries that used to only be seen in professional athletes. Some spend a lifetime dealing with the problems caused by those injuries. In fact, out of the friends I have who played collegiate level sports, three are healthy and five have chronic, lifelong injuries. Four of those injured five have had surgeries to try and repair the injuries, and one has had three surgeries.
The point of this blog isn’t to condemn youth sports. I think they’re wonderful…in moderation. They just shouldn’t take priority over faith, family, academics or physical health. Please carefully consider your teenager’s future health and current well-being if they play competitive sports. Please also consider your family’s quality time. With that in mind I trust you can make the best decision for your family as a whole.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hi, my name is Lauren and I’m a chronic worrier. I worry about the future, things I’ve said in the past, how I’ll get through my to-do list, what direction society is heading, if my kids are growing up right, etc. It’s fine to think about those things, but I excessively overthink them. As a therapist who treats anxiety, this sounds not-so-good, right? Actually though, it means I know which tools are helpful. Here’s one of my favorites.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Overcoming Anxieties and Overcoming Fears Image courtesy of scottchan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This week I conducted a session with a 14 year old girl who has really worked hard to overcome her anxiety. I felt so incredibly proud of her, that I asked her permission to write a little bit of her story here. Just to help you understand what kind of person she is, she answered, “Sure, you can write my story. Especially if it might help someone else.”
A few months ago she was finishing Freshman year of high school. She says she was struggling with her attitude toward school, and really toward life. She had days where she felt very anxious about attending school. The anxiety could be bothersome enough to cause physical symptoms, or make her want to miss school. She says this really affected her grades.
A lot of kids in this situation just give in to the anxiety. They let it wash over them until they become fearful of any social situation. This girl did the exact opposite. She decided to walk straight towards her fears with a rare tenacity. She has a dream of becoming an editor someday. So, she applied to become the editor-in-chief of the school newspaper. She told me it was a longshot because that’s typically a position reserved for upperclassmen. She also decided to join the cross-country team; this is a girl who told me she’s not sure she could have run one lap around the track when she made this decision. She said she wanted to get healthier and have the chance to make more friends.
All summer long she worked on building endurance. She stuck to a running schedule and joined the summer team practices as often as she could. She frequently had to walk, and sometimes felt sick. She said she was usually coming in last on the runs. Sometimes she felt discouraged and thought she didn’t add any value to the team. After a short time of struggling with self-doubt, she gathered her courage and decided to play a different role on the team; if she couldn’t be the fastest runner then she was going to be the spirit of the team. Imagine for a second how difficult it must feel to be inwardly shy and even socially anxious, but outwardly be consistently cheerful and encouraging. She’s done such a good job at it that other teammates have started to notice. Now you are beginning to see why I felt so proud of this girl!
She also was just named the editor-in-chief of the school newspaper as a sophomore. Thought she had felt terrified to try, she decided she had nothing to lose. You can’t get what you want if you don’t at least ask.
This 14-year-old has something most of us don’t get until we’re much older, if at all. This 14-year-old girl has learned to swim against the current of her anxieties to pursue her goals. She wanted more school involvement, experience editing, a chance to make some friends, and a way to get in shape. All of these things scared her, but she went after them anyhow. It has not been easy at all; she says she is just starting to feel the reward for several months of going outside her comfort zone. She has come to understand what it means to work hard for a goal even though the payoff takes time to realize. She is learning lessons that will bear fruit for the rest of her life.
How does this story help you help your teen? Hopefully your child can realize that even though risking failure and facing fears is overwhelmingly scary, it can be done and it can be rewarding. So, for those of you facing tough situations, hang in there because the payoff is somewhere around the corner.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Treating emetophobia is usually straight forward. If you are dealing with it, or your teenager is dealing with it, please reach out. There is a fairly good chance we can help you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
