Dads are tremendously important.
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I listened to a talk by Dr. Warren Farrell on boys growing up in our current society. He was insightful and interesting. He has done extensive research and study on the topic of fatherhood. He also commented on what he calls the “boy crisis.” If you would like to view that talk you can access it at https://youtu.be/8vX6345eeq4.
One of the most interesting nuggets of information he shared was that children raised in a mother-only household have ADHD approximately 30% of the time, while children raised in a father-only household have ADHD approximately 15% of the time. He also shared myriad of other facts discussing the importance of fathers in a child’s life. Much of what he said was corroborated by a very important book from pediatrician Dr. Meg Meeker called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters (a recommended read for dads with girls).
The reason I share this with you today is in my practice over the past 10 years I have noticed teens with highly involved fathers have an easier time recovering from whatever sent them to therapy. Dads have an irreplaceable role in a child’s life. They teach grit and toughness, patience, determination, and delayed gratification better than moms can. Moms have other extremely important roles, so don’t think I mean moms aren’t valuable, but that’s a discussion for another day. My main point is, your child needs his or her dad.
If you are from a divorced family this can be more difficult. A lot of the time mom has been deeply hurt through the process of divorce and can harbor extremely difficult feelings towards dad. It is beyond challenging to set those feelings aside and encourage your child to spend time with his or her father, particularly if you as mom have zero respect for him. With the exception of truly abusive dads, you still have to try hard because your kids will be better off even if you despise him.
Dads, you need to make an effort to spend time with your kids. They learn through osmosis more than through lecture. They need to be around you. You need to be careful to be a man of integrity, kindness and firmness. They don’t need you to coddle them. Even if your wife says you are too hard on them, research shows children benefit from the black and white way dads enforce rules. Be steadfast, consistent and present.
Some of you are in a situation where having a dad around isn’t an option. In that case get a grandfather involved or an uncle. Also, mom, in that case you must double down on teaching fortitude to your children. You have to be aware that pushing them through hard things is what a father usually does, and now you have to play that role. You are tasked with walking the impossible juxtaposition of firmness and softness.
Make today a new day. Be intentional with your children having a lot of exposure to their fathers. Dads, don’t believe everything you hear about masculinity being toxic; research shows your children need you.
A psychiatrist prescribes medication to help with your psychological struggles. There are some certified to work with teens and children.
First of all, a lot of people do not know the difference between a psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor and therapist. Let me start by clarifying what those terms mean. Counselor is the most general term. It can refer to a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. Counselor is also the term used for a person with an associate degree or certification in addiction counseling. A therapist refers to either a psychologist or a master’s level person with a license. A therapist is someone who will spend an hour with you on a regular basis talking about ways to work through your struggles, and can also do psychological testing. A psychologist has a doctorate (either a Ph.D. or a Psy.D.), can do psychological testing, and can do therapy. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor, who completed medical school and a residency. The psychiatrist can do therapy, but typically chooses to refer out for therapy. The psychiatrist evaluates patients to determine whether medicine can help a psychological condition, and if so, prescribes that medication.
Sometimes people hesitate to take medicine for a psychological condition, preferring to address the problem in therapy. Usually your therapist will let you know when it is time to seek a psychiatric evaluation. It is also a good idea to see a psychiatrist if you feel extremely depressed, are considering suicide, have been hallucinating, or have extreme anxiety like panic attacks. There are other conditions where seeing a psychiatrist is advisable as well. For example, if you suspect your child has ADHD, then you can get a diagnosis and treatment from a psychiatrist. Use your therapist or primary care doctor as a guide in terms of when to contact a psychiatrist, and often they will have good referrals to give you.
When you go to your psychiatry appointment, come prepared. Keep a list of your symptoms, what caused them, and what time of day they occurred. Be extremely honest about any drugs or alcohol you use. Your psychiatrist is required to keep everything confidential, so don’t be afraid to tell him or her. If you smoke marijuana every so often, your psychiatrist NEEDS to know this. The reason it is so important to give your psychiatrist this information is that you are being given medication. Alcohol and illegal drugs interact with legal medication, affecting how well the medicine works. In some cases you actually are putting yourself in danger by mixing certain medications with certain drugs or with alcohol. Your psychiatrist isn’t going to be judgmental of you, believe me. Your psychiatrist has heard it all, and I mean ALL. You will not shock your psychiatrist. He or she has seen some of the seemingly most normal looking people take drugs, have an alcohol problem, lose touch with reality, make poor decisions, participate in extremely risky behavior, and anything else you can think of. Just keep in mind that your psychiatrist can only help you to the extent that you share everything about what is going on with you.
Also come to your appointments with a list of any physical symptoms you might be dealing with. Remember, this is a medical doctor. Sometimes psychological problems are caused by a physical problem or a disease. Your psychiatrist is trained to look for signs of physical disease and help you connect the dots. They are also trained to look for the opposite (physical problems caused by psychological impairment).
So, is it time to call a psychiatrist? Perhaps, and especially if you’re considering taking medication to deal with a psychological struggle. Consult with your therapist or primary care doctor to find out. If you don’t have a therapist or primary care doctor, you can call a psychiatrist directly for an evaluation in most cases.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Adolescent females have been shown to benefit from being athletes for a number of reasons. Some of my favorites include the development of fortitude, and work ethic. I also love the stat showing teen female athletes become sexually active later than their non-athletic peers.
There’s a fine line between accepting who you are, and taking that too far. If we’re really honest with ourselves we all will admit we use the excuse, “That’s just the way I am,” when we don’t want to face something ugly about ourselves.
Are you the same person with your family and with your friends? Consistency lowers anxiety. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
What do you do if your family is raising you to be a certain way, but your peers want you to be something else? Your family has taught you to be responsible, kind, caring, respectful, avoid curse words, tell the truth, be honorable, try hard in school, etc. Your peers are encouraging you to experiment with alcohol, marijuana, sex, and irresponsible behavior. Your peers think it’s fine to lie to your parents, use the f-word in every sentence, and complain about school. How do you reconcile these two very different environments when it’s no longer cool to stick with the morals your parents have instilled in you?
Living in this tension is a source of immense anxiety for some teens. They kind of go with the flow at school and around their friends, but in their hearts they’d rather be the person they are around their families. They feel guilt and sometimes shame. It’s very difficult to keep up an appearance of being a great kid in front of certain people, and the appearance of being an edgy kid in front of other people. After a while it is confusing and stressful.
It’s very normal for adolescents to try and discover their own identity until their mid-twenties. A teenager may come home with blue hair or a piercing; parents, don’t make this the end of the world. They’re trying on a new identity. Usually, as they get older they settle more into what they’ve always been taught.
In the meanwhile though, teenagers please remember that “normal” isn’t that great. Fitting in with kids who are going against what you believe is only going to cause internal angst. It takes a lot of emotional strength and fortitude to remain grounded in what is right, even for adults. As a teenager it is much more challenging. Teens are quick to give their peers a dirty look or a few harsh words when one of their friends doesn’t go along with everyone else. If you prefer not to drink at a party, you probably have to deal with a few condescending comments. Keep on track and don’t worry about what some drunk kid says about you; conformity doesn’t breed greatness.
Your overall anxiety will be lower if you are the same person in every situation. Here’s where parents can make a huge impact: model having integrity in every area of life, and stick with good morals. Parents, be the same person at work, home, in the dark and in the light. Your children will benefit immensely from watching your consistency.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
