Some teens get along really well with their parents. Photo courtesy of Marin and freedigitalphotos.net.
What a Close Relationship with Your Teen Looks Like
Having a close relationship with your teen is a beautiful thing. I have a few clients who have that closeness with their mom and dad. These teens share openly about their lives with their parents. They want to hang around the house. They want to bring their friends over, and their friends want to come over. Their friends all consider these parents to be a second mom or dad. Not only this, but these teenagers always respect their parents when they’re given instruction.
How to Have a Close Relationship with Your Teen
When great parents raise their children, there are several important things they do that create a close relationship between them and their teen. Here’s what I notice they do:
1. They NEVER make judgemental comments about their teen’s friends
These parents don’t assume their teenagers will behave badly because they have friends who occasionally make bad choices. Instead, these moms and dads tell their teenagers how grateful they are that they can trust their teens to make the right choice even when their friends aren’t. This causes teens to not only behave well but desire to make good decisions.
2. They are hurt instead of angry
When their teenager says something awful, makes a poor choice, does badly in a class, etc., these parents never react in anger. They feel hurt instead, and they let their teen see this. These teenagers absolutely hate to hurt their parents’ feelings, so they try to do well at things.
3. They take part in their teens interests even when it’s not enjoyable for them
The parents I’ve observed who have a close relationship with their teen don’t disparage their kids’ interests. In fact, they do the opposite. I’ve seen these parents attend concerts of bands they’ve never listened to, help their kids plan trips to go on with their friends, drive them all over just to spend time with them in the car, and buy clothes that don’t fit the style they prefer their teens to wear.
4. Their expectations are clear
All these parents have a line that their teens wouldn’t dare cross. Because they show so much respect to their teenager, their teen doesn’t want to disrespect them. Their teenagers don’t sneak, but then again, they don’t have to. They can tell their parents things without judgment.
You Still Have to Exercise Discipline
If your teen is truly making a poor decision, you do have to discipline them. However, to have a close relationship with your teen, you must do this gently, not angrily. Show your teen you’re disappointed, but you’re willing to help them do the right thing. On the other hand, only discipline your teenager if they’re really doing the wrong thing. Otherwise, respect their decisions and make sure you’re not being too controlling or too relaxed with them.
Working to Have a Close Relationship with Your Teen
Having a close relationship with your teen takes years of work. It’s hard to completely reverse things if you’ve settled into too friendly or too controlling of a role with your teen. However, putting the work in is worth it. Work to respect them and to enjoy them. It will be challenging, but try finding things to like about their friends and learn about what they like doing. Maybe you’ll enjoy it too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Skype therapy works really well for teens. Credit: Ambro via freedigitalphotos.net
Telehealth Therapy and How Well it Works for Teens
How well does teletherapy work with teenagers? It depends, but it’s likely telehealth therapy could be a great option for your teen.
When Telehealth Therapy is Good for Teens
There are a lot of teens who benefit from videoconferencing sessions just as much as the traditional face-to-face sessions. Telehealth therapy is especially good for teens who have families with busy schedules. For some, getting to the office every single week is too much of a challenge. For the teen to be able to do their sessions from home is helpful to the whole family.
When Schedules are Too Busy for Face-to-Face Therapy
Teletherapy can also be helpful for your family if there are other kids in the family who have commitments like soccer practices, tutoring, etc. It makes it easier on you if you’re unable to make the time to drive your child to therapy every week. If your child can stay home while they do therapy, you can take care of the rest of the things you have to do every day.
How Telehealth Therapy Makes Scheduling Easier
Telehealth therapy is also good for teens in that it makes it easier to schedule sessions. Therapists in our practice keep specific office hours, but we offer telehealth sessions Monday through Saturday. This way, it’s easier to find a time that works for you. If your adolescent has school, sports, a hangout with friends, etc., it’s nice for them not to have to miss an activity to be able to go to therapy.
Is Telehealth Therapy Right for Your Teen?
Are you wondering whether your teenage son or daughter will benefit from online counseling sessions? If the answer to all the questions below is yes, it is likely telehealth therapy is a good option for your teen.
Is your teenager conversational? In other words, do they speak readily?
Does your adolescent want counseling?
Can your teenager pay attention?
Is your teen moderately comfortable with technology?
Can your adolescent find a private place for their sessions for an hour at a time?
A Unique Side of What Teletherapy Can Do for Teens
I have been working with clients using telemedicine since 2010. The clients who have worked in this format have had a better continuity of care. I know that seems counter-intuitive, but this way clients can have a session when they need it no matter what point they’re at in life. With telehealth therapy, if a teen goes to college or moves away, they can still continue with online sessions.
Putting it Into Practice
If you know your teen needs therapy and you either live out of the area, you don’t have the time to make another appointment, or you just feel comfortable with video sessions, this is a great option for you. Please give me a call and we’ll talk about how telehealth therapy can work for you and your teen.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Finding our your teenager is using drugs is heart-breaking. Image courtesy of FrameAngel at FreeDigitalPhotos.ne
Deciding When to Send Your Teen to Rehab
For a parent of a child who is using drugs and alcohol, one of the most difficult questions is when to send your teen to rehab. When you consider the costs (disruption to school, guilt you might feel sending them away, emotional distress they will feel being sent away, stigma that might be attached with inpatient treatment, and fear of who they will meet while in treatment) it is enough to make any parent balk.
5 Signs Showing When to Send Your Teen to Rehab
1) You cannot control your teen
If your teen is willing to go to any length to get their way, including being physical with you, it’s time to send your teen to rehab.
Examples of Teens Who do Whatever They Want
Your teen blows you off when give them a curfew. You tell them you will be taking their phone, and they ignore you. They skip school when you require them to be there. If this is a constant issue, you can no longer control your teen.
2) They are stealing
If you are still unclear on when to send your teen to rehab, it will be obvious if they begin stealing to finance it. If you’ve noticed money missing from your wallet, guests who come over complain money is missing from their wallets, or your teenager has been caught breaking into cars, etc., it’s time to get them help.
3) They refuse a drug test
Teens who are being honest about what they are using, and how often are usually eager to take a drug test. They want to prove to you that they are being honest. When they refuse it, it means they are hiding something. This is a sure sign they are using something they won’t admit to.
4) Their emotions indicate they’re physically suffering
When teens are coming down from their high, or sobering up from alcohol use, they often lament how miserable they are. They might say extreme things like they want to die, or yell at you and be extremely irritable. Whatever the case, it’s clear they are going through physical suffering as they withdraw. As you can see from this, knowing when to send your rehab is vital.
5) Send a teen to rehab when they ask for help
This sounds obvious, but many parents don’t act on it when their teen asks for help. There is a very small window of time in which a teenager asks you for help with their addiction. Quickly the cravings overtake them, and they say they are fine. However, if your teenager is asking you for help, even if this lasts for just a few hours, it’s their way of telling you they can’t stop using on their own.
Some Local Adolescent Rehabs
Once you know when to send your teen to rehab, picking one is the next step.
Note: I don’t endorse any particular rehab for your teen as each situation is different, and there are more rehabs out there than just these examples.
Addiction is terrifying; it makes everything feel like chaos. You walk around on eggshells because you are afraid to set your teenager off. Your teenager is combative, rude, and has completely dropped activities they used to care about. Knowing when to send your teen to rehab is hard, and if you’re at this point with your child, my heart goes out to you. You are loving your teenager well even though sending them to rehab is the last thing you feel like doing.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Parents who nitpick their teens can hurt the relationship. Credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net
Reactions of Criticized Teens
Some parents criticize their teens to try to help them become good adults. Unfortunately, this can lead to negative consequences for the child. Teens who are overly criticized feel they cannot please their parents. They get so frustrated they either rebel or shut down. To them, making their parents happy seems hopeless.
Parents Who Criticize Their Teens
I have worked with teens who have parents that won’t stop criticizing them. When I ask the parents to share something good about the teen, they begin by saying something nice about the child, and then they turn it into a backhanded compliment. In those cases, the teenager looks at me and seems to be shutting down.
Why Your Teen May be Rebelling
If you feel your teenager is never really trying hard enough, is too sassy, and is defiant, try looking at the relationship between the two of you. Your teen may be rebelling because they feel they can never please you. If your teen feels too criticized, they will become uncooperative.
The Parent’s Argument Against This
You might say you’d be happy with your teen if they would only do X, Y, and Z, but your teenager doesn’t believe it anymore. Your adolescent would tell me that even if they did those things, you would think they could’ve done it better.
The Solution
If this describes the relationship you have with your child, it is important to start making changes right away. Don’t lose your relationship with your teen because they feel criticized by you, and you feel disrespected by them. Work on having fun with them. Don’t be so focused on who you think your teenager is supposed to be that you won’t let them be themselves.
Having a Good Relationship with Your Teen
Yes, you need your child to have responsible and respectful behavior. However, consistently making negative comments about what they eat, how they dress, who they’re friends with, how they played that last sports game, etc. will just drive them away. This will cause them to be defensive and angry, leading to both you and them feeling hurt. Over-criticizing your teen isn’t good for either of you; instead, focus on building a strong, healthy, and loving relationship with your teen.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Being happy means knowing it’s not about you. Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
The Struggle with Teen Happiness
As parents, sometimes it seems impossible to bring your teen happiness. However, keeping your child happy is not as hard as it may seem.
The Teen’s Approach to Attaining Happiness
Teens are constantly encouraging each other to pursue what feels good in the moment. They have a “You only live once” attitude. This is what teens do for happiness.
The Parent’s Approach to Bringing Their Teen Happiness
As parents, we tell our teens that their future is what’s important. We care about their grades, conduct, reputation, and attitude. We tell them, “We just want you to be happy,” but we don’t let them play video games until 2 a.m. on a school night. Somehow, we know that’s not good for them even though it makes them happy.
Who’s Right?
Are teenagers correct in thinking you should do whatever feels good in the moment? Are we parents right, who think living should be for our future happiness and goals? Could we both be wrong?
Problems with Living for the Moment
If you only ever live in the present, then everything is momentarily gratifying. However, teens who indulge themselves whenever they feel like it will never have permanent happiness. Once they experience something, they will need a bigger activity/item to bring them the same emotional high. While watching a movie until 10:00 p.m. might have thrilled your child at one point, now they’ll want to stay up all night at a friend’s house for the same feeling.
Consequences that Come from Living for the Moment
Also, bad decisions can be made when teens try to bring themselves happiness using this mindset. An adolescent might have sex with someone they don’t love, try drugs or alcohol, or cheat on a test.
Problems with Living for the Future
On the other hand, if you live only for your future, you will still be unhappy. What a waste to have all the gifts of youth and enjoy none of them. When was the last time you could sprint after your friend while laughing hysterically and not get winded or sore? How long ago was it that you could go out tanning without worrying about skin cancer? When did it last sound like fun to get a block of ice and slide down a long grass hill while trespassing at midnight? You can’t be so focused on your future that you miss everything in front of you.
A Better Answer to Teen Happiness
Now that we’ve exhausted the two most common ways people try to become happy, what’s left? What I am going to propose would be a major shift in your teenager’s thinking. For that kind of shift to take place, you will have to lead the way. Start seeking opportunities to serve others. Show your teen that to achieve lasting happiness you have to focus on something bigger than yourself. That is the real key to teen happiness, helping your child look beyond themself.
Helping Your Teen Find Purpose
It is your job to help your teenager know why they’re here on Earth. If you teach your teenager that their purpose is to attain status and things, then that’s what they’ll pursue. This will leave your child unfulfilled and empty. Their purpose must be a timeless and selfless one. In my family, our purpose is to be dedicated followers of Jesus Christ. We believe this will create a compassionate heart, driven and focused attitude, and happy child. If you don’t choose to go the faith-based route, choose some way to serve others. True teen happiness comes from looking outward, not inward.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
